Coldplaying Roadie #43 – Blog #3 (the “Chris Martin” interview)

Check out a brand new alternative Coldplaying LP5 blog entry: #43 interviews “Chris Martin”

Discuss this blog entry in the Coldplay forum here onwards [thanks Corkus]

In between binging sessions, Roadie #43 has managed to catch up with Chris Martin! Now, some of you may be a bit skeptical of this interview, especially since there are, indeed, many people in the world named “Chris Martin”, but Roadie #43 assures us that he went through a very through identification procedure. Whether that procedure was done under the influence, nobody knows. Regardless, enjoy the interview!

R#43: “Good to see you, Chris.”

Chris: “It’s good to see you too, Millard…”

R#43: “Now, first things first. You ARE the real Chris Martin, correct?”

Chris: “Well, you’re the real Roadie #42, aren’t you?”

R#43: “Uh, yeah, sure, why not.”

Chris: “Listen, this had better be quick. My daughter, Banana, has a recital later today.”

R#43: “Don’t you mean Apple?”

Chris: “That’s what I said, wasn’t it?”

R#43: “Are you sure you’re not just some James Morrison-type doppelganger?”

Chris: “Depends on how much I’m being paid for this interview!”

R#43: “Let’s move on. How is the new material coming along?”

Chris: “Oh, it sounds fantastic! Just to make things even more experimental, we put Jonny on the drums and Will on bass just to mix things up a little, you know. As for me, I’ve decided to take up playing the triangle!”

R#43: “That’s fascinating, Chris! How involved is Brian Eno on the production side?”

Chris: “Oh, that old bum? Every time I would play something, that bald coot would yell at me for being too overdone and similar to past material. So we replaced him with a scarecrow. After all, we do plan on starting a new musical – and spiritual – revolution that will usher in a new age of enlightenment and prosperity!”

R#43: “Mmm hmm. Any ideas yet for a title for the next album?”

Chris: “Well, so far the material has sort of a rainbow-y feel to it, so we were thinking something along the lines of ’In Rainbows’.”

R#43: “Wow, what an incredibly original and inspiring name!”

Chris: “Yeah, it’s pretty awesome.”

R#43: “So, this apparent leak…is it real? Is that truly your voice?”

Chris: “I could tell you…but then I’d have to kill you.”

R#43: “Some of our readers at had some questions for you, Chris. [email protected] asks if Jonny’s favorite food really is cake.”

Chris: “Oh my, yes! The entire reason Jonny got married is so he could have the world’s biggest wedding cake! He even says he wants to purposely divorce and re-marry his wife over and over again just so he can keep having gigantic cakes made for him!”

R#43: “That’s a brilliant idea! He should marry all sorts of fangirls just so he can have cake! Everyone’s a winner!”

Chris: “I know, right?”

R#43: “Totally. Moving on, MelColdplay on Twitter wants to know what you think about Latin American fans.”

Chris: “They’re the best fans in the world! Every time we play there, they just get louder and louder! It’s a darn good thing they know what the phrase ‘Viva La Vida’ actually translates to, because I sure as hell don’t!”

R#43: “She would also like to know what your biggest fault is.”

Chris: “Well, to be quite honest, I don’t think I’m nearly deserving of the success that Coldplay has gotten. In fact, I think we suck. But mostly I’m ashamed of the fact that I won’t ever be able to appease all my adoring fangirls with whatever dirty favors they may want from me. I just too loyal to my wife, Anne Hathaway.”

R#43: “You mean Gwyneth Paltrow? You know, for someone who claims to be the real Chris Martin, you sure are forgetful of family names!”

Chris: “Hey, I’m a rock star! It doesn’t matter what you or Will Berryman think!”

R#43: “Okay, then, prove it. Say something only the real Chris Martin would say.”

Chris: “My balls hurt.”

R#43: “Hmm…it’s true that Chris DOES like to talk about his balls a lot. Good enough for me!”

Chris: “No, I wasn’t answering your question! My balls really do hurt!”

R#43: “You’re a funny guy, Chris. Time for one final question that we ask all our guests in our interviews – What is your favorite Coldplay song?”

Chris: “Where the Streets Have No Name.”

R#43: “Wow, me too! Hey wait, I thought…”

Chris: (yawning) “Well, I gotta run now. Catch ya later!”

R#43: “Oh, uh, thanks Chris! There you have it, folks, an exclusive interview with the one and only Chris Martin…I think. I’m gonna go get hammered after a long day of doing nothing productive. Toodles!”