Don't Let It Break Your Heart!

antdrew

Never in a rush
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821
@karvi22 Trust your instincts and stick to your guns. Be upfront and honest with him as other said. He may not like what you say, you might not even like what you say, but by being real and genuine you can get through this situation. Sending you hugs and love :)

@coldplayisawesome This may sound crazy but just put yourself out there and say what's on your mind. Be honest and don't pull any punches, sometimes relationships run their course and we have to accept them for what they were and are.

I broke up with my girlfriend last week and cut off communications with my best friend a few days ago so it's been an interesting week to say the least. Thank god for the gym. I'm still great friends with the ex though, we text a lot, maybe she texts me too much lol. And my best friend was just a toxic person to be around. We played guitars together a lot. But he isn't open to trying new sounds and ideas, same old same old. Plus while I go to college and work on the wambulance part time, he sits at home playing video games, playing guitar, drinking ridiculous amounts of alcohol(he's got a beer gut to that of a 45 y/o male!). I honestly think he's a women repellant! I'm not bad looking but he just drives them away lol! He doesn't work, doesn't go to school and expects to become a rock star overnight and make millions of dollars without any real hard work. He's out of touch with reality. So I am not wasting my time anymore on him. And with the ex gf, I didn't feel like the right fit for her, and she didn't feel like the right person for me. There were no arguments, cheating, lying, I was open and honest and said I am conflicted because I can't keep stringing you along if I don't really mean it anymore. Anyways I'm getting off the soapbox now!! Hope everyone is doing alright :)
wow dude what a week for you. You've got the right attitude though and I reckon you did the right thing calling it off with your ex, especially realising that you guys just weren't fitting for each other. I think quite a few people just stay with someone because it is easier that way when they aren't fitting for each other either. So I mean I'm sure this'll make you happier in the long run.
 

karvi22

Coldplayer for life.
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I broke up with my girlfriend last week and cut off communications with my best friend a few days ago so it's been an interesting week to say the least. Thank god for the gym. I'm still great friends with the ex though, we text a lot, maybe she texts me too much lol. And my best friend was just a toxic person to be around. We played guitars together a lot. But he isn't open to trying new sounds and ideas, same old same old. Plus while I go to college and work on the wambulance part time, he sits at home playing video games, playing guitar, drinking ridiculous amounts of alcohol(he's got a beer gut to that of a 45 y/o male!). I honestly think he's a women repellant! I'm not bad looking but he just drives them away lol! He doesn't work, doesn't go to school and expects to become a rock star overnight and make millions of dollars without any real hard work. He's out of touch with reality. So I am not wasting my time anymore on him. And with the ex gf, I didn't feel like the right fit for her, and she didn't feel like the right person for me. There were no arguments, cheating, lying, I was open and honest and said I am conflicted because I can't keep stringing you along if I don't really mean it anymore. Anyways I'm getting off the soapbox now!! Hope everyone is doing alright
It seems like you made the right choice in both cases. I also had a toxic best friend a few years ago, and when I decided to stop being friends with this person I immediately started to feel so much better...
Hope you're better now :) I'm sure from now on, good things are coming your way.
 

iamsue

You're a Sky Full of Stars
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Spider-Man, your logic is SO right! I'm sure you will see that with time and know it was the right decision. How brave and honest you were to be vulnerable enough to tell your ex straight-up how you felt. When MS right comes along, she will be very lucky! Not many men would do what you did.

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tov1988

Coldplayer
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Dec 13, 2014
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65
I wish I could start my life over again or at least erase the past 12 years or so
 

I ran away

A Rush of Blood to X&Y
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I wish I could start my life over again or at least erase the past 12 years or so
I know that feeling. Even though I'm objectively speaking not that old I already have a lot of regrets in my life and in the past ten years or so I often found myself wishing I could go back in time and do things differently. Most of my regrets are with regard to human relationships of different kinds by the way (friends, family...)
But in the end it doesn't do any good to dwell on the past. Time is a one-way thing, you can never go back and I think one of the keys to happiness is to not dwell too much on things from the past, draw a firm line underneath this and live only in and for the present. And you probably need to view negative things of the past as things that simply happened and made you grow as a person, and most importantly draw a line.
Not that I have mastered this myself though, I'm very much stuck in the past. This kind of advice is much easier in theory than in practice :(

If anyone else has some insight on that matter or advice I would be curious too...
 

guy42

Warm Player
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I know that feeling. Even though I'm objectively speaking not that old I already have a lot of regrets in my life and in the past ten years or so I often found myself wishing I could go back in time and do things differently. Most of my regrets are with regard to human relationships of different kinds by the way (friends, family...)
But in the end it doesn't do any good to dwell on the past. Time is a one-way thing, you can never go back and I think one of the keys to happiness is to not dwell too much on things from the past, draw a firm line underneath this and live only in and for the present. And you probably need to view negative things of the past as things that simply happened and made you grow as a person, and most importantly draw a line.
Not that I have mastered this myself though, I'm very much stuck in the past. This kind of advice is much easier in theory than in practice :(

If anyone else has some insight on that matter or advice I would be curious too...
I like to think of myself as having mastered it, but unfortunately I'm not sure how I did it. An important step may be to figure out a way to dissociate yourself from the person you were in the past. Also I think accepting the fact that you're imperfect and that mistakes are inevitable is important... Another thing you can use to remind yourself is that you may not learn much from many little mistakes, and so you're more likely to repeat them in the future. But when you make one big mistake you are not as likely to repeat it, and that impacts your future in a positive way.
 

Draco

Broken Hearts Make it Rain
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756
Oh I know about getting stuck in the past real well. It's more for minor and insignificant things sometimes and I can't imagine myself any other way, or getting anyway out of it without feeling happy with myself and what I can do. I put so much emphasis in that thing defining me, and then it knaws at me inside. And then when I'm about to let go I get hit with a borderline existential feeling of who am I ya know. And it can be dumb because it can be simple as changing a goal of mine or career option. A part of it is also the influence of others, like you want to please people and others expect things from you, but learning to realize that their feelings are THEIRS and not yours can help you remove yourself. @guy42 is bringing up a great point of dissociation, yeah LEARN from it, you can't really drop it because some people hide from the past and it comes back to bite them in the ass, but keep reminding yourself how short your life is, you can feel these feelings but your past is going to become obsolete one day to everything, which is a great thing and a terrible thing. Regardless, Focusing on it can distract you from what you can do if you are about contributing and caring for society. If you look back, I'm sure you would be more satisfied seeing that you have left a positive mark in people's lives or done something worthwhile, instead of just contemplating about something that's causing you this trouble.
I hope I don't sound harsh
-and sometimes a regret, or just general negative emotions can be a sign of personally or interpersonally unresolved emotions, a lack of closure in something, sometimes physical ties you need to break that you're in denial of or mental ones you need to acknowledge, going back to dissociation.
 

karvi22

Coldplayer for life.
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Messages
933
Hi guys. Need to talk about something. I've been feeling so lost during last days. Sometimes I feel better, but eventually I get back to this uncomfortable sadness. Maybe it's because next year my life will change a lot and that freaks me out. After so many years studying hard at university, finally I will start to work, but honestly I don't even know if I really like my career so imagine how scared I am of getting a job. I don't know if I will be able to be happy doing this. The only place where I'm truly happy is in a concert or listening to my favourite music in my room, and that doesn't seem to be right. It shouldn't be like that, I should also be happy with my career and stuff like that... but sometimes I've got this feeling I am in a whole with no escape. It seems like only the music is capable of healing me.

PS: while I'm writing this they put Paradise on the local radio... it feels like a signal or something like that haha
 

guy42

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Feb 20, 2016
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Oh I know about getting stuck in the past real well. It's more for minor and insignificant things sometimes and I can't imagine myself any other way, or getting anyway out of it without feeling happy with myself and what I can do. I put so much emphasis in that thing defining me, and then it knaws at me inside. And then when I'm about to let go I get hit with a borderline existential feeling of who am I ya know. And it can be dumb because it can be simple as changing a goal of mine or career option. A part of it is also the influence of others, like you want to please people and others expect things from you, but learning to realize that their feelings are THEIRS and not yours can help you remove yourself. @guy42 is bringing up a great point of dissociation, yeah LEARN from it, you can't really drop it because some people hide from the past and it comes back to bite them in the ass, but keep reminding yourself how short your life is, you can feel these feelings but your past is going to become obsolete one day to everything, which is a great thing and a terrible thing. Regardless, Focusing on it can distract you from what you can do if you are about contributing and caring for society. If you look back, I'm sure you would be more satisfied seeing that you have left a positive mark in people's lives or done something worthwhile, instead of just contemplating about something that's causing you this trouble.
I hope I don't sound harsh
-and sometimes a regret, or just general negative emotions can be a sign of personally or interpersonally unresolved emotions, a lack of closure in something, sometimes physical ties you need to break that you're in denial of or mental ones you need to acknowledge, going back to dissociation.
Yeah, you described it pretty well. Now that I think about it, meditation is the path to dissociation! We are used to thinking about ourselves in terms of our actions / outward manifestation. For example, we think "I am a nurse," "I am a writer," "I am female," "I am a loser," "I am rich," or "I am sad." These are very unstable things to attach yourself to, because if you fail to meet the standards of "I am X," then you will have an existential crisis. Drop the X, and you're left with "I am." Enjoy the present moment. If you get really good at this, then there is a certain point where even thinking "I am human" is counterproductive.

Meditation is interesting because after observing your thoughts for a while, you realize that those thoughts are not really even your own - they're just bursts of energy appearing randomly in your mind. Then you realize that you're not really in control of those thoughts, which means that ultimately you're not in control of your actions, which means that the mistakes you made aren't really mistakes at all, they were meant to happen.

Well, this is very difficult for most people to accept, but if you do accept it, it is very liberating.

That's what I learned from meditation :D

Hi guys. Need to talk about something. I've been feeling so lost during last days. Sometimes I feel better, but eventually I get back to this uncomfortable sadness. Maybe it's because next year my life will change a lot and that freaks me out. After so many years studying hard at university, finally I will start to work, but honestly I don't even know if I really like my career so imagine how scared I am of getting a job. I don't know if I will be able to be happy doing this. The only place where I'm truly happy is in a concert or listening to my favourite music in my room, and that doesn't seem to be right. It shouldn't be like that, I should also be happy with my career and stuff like that... but sometimes I've got this feeling I am in a whole with no escape. It seems like only the music is capable of healing me.

PS: while I'm writing this they put Paradise on the local radio... it feels like a signal or something like that haha
Hi @karvi22, I would always recommend for people to choose a career they will like, even if it's not as high-paying, because how you feel internally is what matters the most. However, if you're kind of stuck on this path, assuming you don't have the luxury of changing your path, I suggest you go along with it at least for a little while. Who knows, maybe you will end up liking it - sometimes you don't know until you actually try it.

Tbh, I used to be in the same place as you with music. I used to use music as a distraction from the sorrows of life. The truth is you must find a way to be happy without music. Actually, you must find a way to be happy without any person, place, or situation. Just happy to be with yourself, you know. Try meditation, it helps with many things. If you have a physical ailment, try to get it cured so you can feel good. I hope you will find the tools you need to begin your journey toward happiness. Peace.
 

AmyEverdeen

Livin' life in Technicolor
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Joined
Jul 7, 2017
Messages
128
Hi guys. Need to talk about something. I've been feeling so lost during last days. Sometimes I feel better, but eventually I get back to this uncomfortable sadness. Maybe it's because next year my life will change a lot and that freaks me out. After so many years studying hard at university, finally I will start to work, but honestly I don't even know if I really like my career so imagine how scared I am of getting a job. I don't know if I will be able to be happy doing this. The only place where I'm truly happy is in a concert or listening to my favourite music in my room, and that doesn't seem to be right. It shouldn't be like that, I should also be happy with my career and stuff like that... but sometimes I've got this feeling I am in a whole with no escape. It seems like only the music is capable of healing me.

PS: while I'm writing this they put Paradise on the local radio... it feels like a signal or something like that haha

I'm kind of feeling the same way even if I'm only starting my second year at Uni. Sometimes if feels like it won't bring me anywhere and that I'm only wasting away money for no reason. And then I'm stuck in a hole of dreaming of publishing novels, or making music and opening for Coldplay, because I just can't see myself working at all.
To change my perception of things I'm going to try and get a student job, so that, in small steps, I can be reassured that it is possible to get things done, even if it seems impossible now.
Then again you really never know what may come upon your path in life and tomorrow might be totally different than yesterday.
 

iamsue

You're a Sky Full of Stars
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Joined
Apr 5, 2012
Messages
2,152
I like to think of myself as having mastered it, but unfortunately I'm not sure how I did it. An important step may be to figure out a way to dissociate yourself from the person you were in the past. Also I think accepting the fact that you're imperfect and that mistakes are inevitable is important... Another thing you can use to remind yourself is that you may not learn much from many little mistakes, and so you're more likely to repeat them in the future. But when you make one big mistake you are not as likely to repeat it, and that impacts your future in a positive way.
I really like this advice!! Thanks!!!


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iamsue

You're a Sky Full of Stars
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Apr 5, 2012
Messages
2,152
Since I've lived more than most of you, I think, this got me thinking. One of my life mottos is "Don't live life in the rear view mirror." So I try to always move on, but learn from mistakes. That requires discipline to pause and reflect. I'm too spontaneous to do that enough, but I do see where that's led me to patterns of mistakes. It's easier to learn from patterns than single mistakes. Then I try to look deeper into the motivations and reasons and assumptions that cause me to keep going down the same wrong path. I also like the saying, "If you always do what you've always done, you will always get was you've always gotten." So true.


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I ran away

A Rush of Blood to X&Y
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Thank you all for your replies. I know it is a mental process, a change of the way you think of yourself or things in your life, but that is so hard. Have never tried meditation. I have to say that being a science and hard facts-oriented person I have always been a sceptic about all things connected to spiritualism and I personally don't believe in any kind of higher being etc., although I have been thinking maybe there is no harm in having a healthy amount of it as in thinking of every little thing you encounter as a blessing or something like that ("see each sunrise as a gift").
And what @guy42 said to @karvi22 about being able to be happy without any particular thing, person, place etc. seems to be key. I think that's what makes true self-fulfillment. Because in the end all the things around you, whether it be particular persons or health or wealth or whatever can always betray you at some point. And relying on finding happiness in other people somehow always seems to lead to hurt and disappointment, at least in my experience.

And @karvi22, I know how you feel. Am at the moment also in a (mid-life ?? haha) crisis about my career and wondering if I want to actually do what I essentially studied for for 10 years now, and like @AmyEverdeen I am dreaming of other, more creative things. I don't have any advice however...
 

coldplayisawesome

Maybe I'm a ghost
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Messages
28,522
Thank you all for your replies. I know it is a mental process, a change of the way you think of yourself or things in your life, but that is so hard. Have never tried meditation. I have to say that being a science and hard facts-oriented person I have always been a sceptic about all things connected to spiritualism and I personally don't believe in any kind of higher being etc., although I have been thinking maybe there is no harm in having a healthy amount of it as in thinking of every little thing you encounter as a blessing or something like that ("see each sunrise as a gift").
And what @guy42 said to @karvi22 about being able to be happy without any particular thing, person, place etc. seems to be key. I think that's what makes true self-fulfillment. Because in the end all the things around you, whether it be particular persons or health or wealth or whatever can always betray you at some point. And relying on finding happiness in other people somehow always seems to lead to hurt and disappointment, at least in my experience.

And @karvi22, I know how you feel. Am at the moment also in a (mid-life ?? haha) crisis about my career and wondering if I want to actually do what I essentially studied for for 10 years now, and like @AmyEverdeen I am dreaming of other, more creative things. I don't have any advice however...
i think spiritualism in such an interesting concept, because you can be spiritual without being religious, which those things tend to get lumped together it seems. i don't particularly believe in a higher being, but i think there is something incredible just about the universe in general and through that i can feel a connection that to me i would define as being spiritual. it doesn't have to be about holding a certain system of beliefs and morals, but about being able to think outside of yourself in a big way. so maybe you can actually use some of your science and hard facts-orientation to change your perspective in that way, kind of like you were saying here about how unique life even is and how ridiculously incredible it is to be able to do any of the things we do as human beings. like me being able to press a bunch of plastic buttons that put symbols up on a screen, somehow representing this crazy abstract idea and then being able to send it to you, another human who lives across the planet...

when i start thinking about all those kinds of things, how remarkable it is that life even exists, let alone existing in the way that it does for us, it makes it a lot easier to forget about dumb stuff i did in the past. thinking that the universe is so big and we're relatively insignificant compared to it COULD be a bit of a downer, but honestly for me it's more freeing than anything. i'm just one small part of something larger. that's not to say that individual people don't matter, that individual problems aren't real and that you shouldn't ever be upset about things that have happened to you, of course.

but it's just something to think about. you're part of the human race, all of the stars and the outer space...
 

I ran away

A Rush of Blood to X&Y
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i think spiritualism in such an interesting concept, because you can be spiritual without being religious, which those things tend to get lumped together it seems. i don't particularly believe in a higher being, but i think there is something incredible just about the universe in general and through that i can feel a connection that to me i would define as being spiritual. it doesn't have to be about holding a certain system of beliefs and morals, but about being able to think outside of yourself in a big way. so maybe you can actually use some of your science and hard facts-orientation to change your perspective in that way, kind of like you were saying here about how unique life even is and how ridiculously incredible it is to be able to do any of the things we do as human beings. like me being able to press a bunch of plastic buttons that put symbols up on a screen, somehow representing this crazy abstract idea and then being able to send it to you, another human who lives across the planet...

when i start thinking about all those kinds of things, how remarkable it is that life even exists, let alone existing in the way that it does for us, it makes it a lot easier to forget about dumb stuff i did in the past. thinking that the universe is so big and we're relatively insignificant compared to it COULD be a bit of a downer, but honestly for me it's more freeing than anything. i'm just one small part of something larger. that's not to say that individual people don't matter, that individual problems aren't real and that you shouldn't ever be upset about things that have happened to you, of course.

but it's just something to think about. you're part of the human race, all of the stars and the outer space...
I like what you just wrote. That's exactly what I meant in terms of being spiritual...the wonder and amazement at life and the universe. Speed of Sound is a song in that vein :D
 

iamsue

You're a Sky Full of Stars
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Like Rumi says, every feeling is sent as a guide! Now THAT is the universe operating. Although I do believe in God.


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karvi22

Coldplayer for life.
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Jun 11, 2016
Messages
933
@guy42 @AmyEverdeen @I ran away thank you so much for your kind words.

Hi @karvi22, I would always recommend for people to choose a career they will like, even if it's not as high-paying, because how you feel internally is what matters the most. However, if you're kind of stuck on this path, assuming you don't have the luxury of changing your path, I suggest you go along with it at least for a little while. Who knows, maybe you will end up liking it - sometimes you don't know until you actually try it.

Tbh, I used to be in the same place as you with music. I used to use music as a distraction from the sorrows of life. The truth is you must find a way to be happy without music. Actually, you must find a way to be happy without any person, place, or situation. Just happy to be with yourself, you know. Try meditation, it helps with many things. If you have a physical ailment, try to get it cured so you can feel good. I hope you will find the tools you need to begin your journey toward happiness. Peace.
I think I will give a try to the meditation thing, it could work! And you're right, all I can do now is to keep doing this and see what happens. Maybe eventually I will learn to love it... after all, how can I know it if I don't even try?

Then again you really never know what may come upon your path in life and tomorrow might be totally different than yesterday.
Totally agree with this... life changes in the most unexpected ways. Sometimes we tend to think over everything so much. Maybe what we should do is to live, because life itself will give us all the answers... and your dreams could come true someday :)

And @karvi22, I know how you feel. Am at the moment also in a (mid-life ?? haha) crisis about my career and wondering if I want to actually do what I essentially studied for for 10 years now, and like @AmyEverdeen I am dreaming of other, more creative things. I don't have any advice however...
Hope you can find your path as well... I know it's hard but we have to try it. Wish you all the best!
 

I ran away

A Rush of Blood to X&Y
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So today is one of these days were I am asking myself again, what is the purpose of living through every day ?
When I was younger I used to have a motivation for living and I used to think that every day and year brings you closer to your life's goals and that once you reach a certain point, everything will be better. It was as if I was working towards something but along the way found out that there isn't really such a thing, and now it feels like it's just a hamster wheel that you're stuck on for the next 60 years or so. And sometimes I feel like all the nice things like going to concerts or travelling are just momentary distractions from this inescapable routine.
And it seems to be the same with human relationships in general (by that I mean any kind, also friendships etc.). What is the purpose if they always seem to involve rejection or hurt or disappointment ?
I'm just sometimes so sick of life in general....
 

karvi22

Coldplayer for life.
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Messages
933
So today is one of these days were I am asking myself again, what is the purpose of living through every day ?
When I was younger I used to have a motivation for living and I used to think that every day and year brings you closer to your life's goals and that once you reach a certain point, everything will be better. It was as if I was working towards something but along the way found out that there isn't really such a thing, and now it feels like it's just a hamster wheel that you're stuck on for the next 60 years or so. And sometimes I feel like all the nice things like going to concerts or travelling are just momentary distractions from this inescapable routine.
And it seems to be the same with human relationships in general (by that I mean any kind, also friendships etc.). What is the purpose if they always seem to involve rejection or hurt or disappointment ?
I'm just sometimes so sick of life in general....
@I ran away I know what you mean because I feel exactly the same. Like Coldplay says, "I don't know which way I'm going, I don't know which way I've come". It seems like we can only find happiness at some moments but the rest of our lifes we just live and that's all. It's like we are in a hole or something like that... during last days I've been wondering a lot about how we can feel better. I'd wish I could have a better answer, but maybe all we can do is to appreciate more the small things. We should try to find happiness in the details. Even if we think our routines are boring and bad, maybe we still can find something beautiful in them... a song, a movie, an unexpected smile... anything could be useful to make us feel good.
Regarding to what you've said about relationships, sadly right now there's nothing positive I can say about it... recently I kinda lost faith in most people. I've had so many disappointments, broken promises... and honestly I'm really tired of it. From now on, I will try to find happiness all by myself. If someone wants to come with me, that will be ok... but it will also be ok if no one comes.
I send you a big hug :)
 
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