I found out today that a man I love has a girlfriend. The first man I've fallen in love with in years. I just feel like I wanna die. All the good ones are taken. Heart broken!!

 

I don't really have any advice for that, but I'm sending you a big hug ! Don't ever give up...

 

I just believe that everything happens for a reason. Maybe he needs to learn something about himself or relationships first from that woman and it won't last. Maybe there is something you first have to go through. Timing may be off for a reason. Oh, if we only had a crystal ball. Just ask the Universe or your God to help you understand...your answer will come. So sorry for your heartbreak!

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I lived exactly the same situation a few months ago. I also felt like I was dying inside, but finally I was able to move on. Of course it was really hard, but I can tell you that you will feel better so soon, you only have to be patient. Time will heal you for sure. And as @iamsue has said before, everything happens for a reason, a reason we usually don't know. Maybe you'll meet someone more special for you. Maybe he wasn't the right for you. Who knows... life always surprises us. And remember, the best is yet to come....
Send you a big hug

 

Spoiler

Sorry, long post but I am just trying to make sense of my feelings here.
This week is again one of the darkest ones I have ever had, and actually I'm barely functioning at the moment. I have a ton of things to do such as finding a new job, continuing to work on something that I'm writing but I can't seem to be able to do any of these at the moment.
And I hate myself for my own instability because there just seems to be no end to the tears, especially when I am at home but also when I'm in public I find it hard to keep myself together. I think it doesn't help that I'm all alone in this city and don't have anyone to actually meet with and talk to (and honestly no one generally ever seems to want to spend time with me, because maybe I'm a bad person or a weird person or I don't know, but I am used to that), I can basically just talk to random strangers on the internet about it, which is quite sad in itself !
Arguably, I am partly responsible for this renewed heartbreak myself, but it just had to be done. You know how even if a relationship has ended you can hope beyond reason that maybe you can get this person that means so much to you back eventually ? And that hope, small as it may be, is sometimes all you need to go on living and to ease the pain. But of course at some point the moment of truth has to come.
"If you love someone, you should let them know" I thought that was the right thing to do. Because I thought, what would be the point in holding back, what could be gained by not being honest and open about your true feelings ? I don't wanna live and keep thinking in the future that I just didn't fight enough for it, that maybe if only I had put a bit more effort in it would all have worked out. I thought if there is a chance, even a minor one, I need to seize it...but of course telling someone your feelings openly also makes you very vulnerable, and puts you on the line for rejection, and in my case that was the outcome. It makes you feel so empty inside and like last year, the best imagery I can find is that someone has whisked away the ground away from underneath your feet. Because now it is worse than before, now all the hope is gone, even the last tiny bit of hope is gone, it is definitely over and burnt and dead. And then it hits you once more that you will never ever be with this person again, and that all the previous memories and even places that come flashing back before your mind have become sad and meaningless, that an entire part of your life and memories has become completely bitter and worthless. I know (and people keep telling me) I just need to forget this person once and for all, but HOW ON EARTH am I supposed to do that ? My brain is not a memory card where I can press the delete button !!
And then of course the thought that you can not imagine ever being with another person. Literally I cringe at the thought of ever loving someone else, it feels so wrong to me.

I watched the Chris Martin Zane Lowe interview from 2014. I really admire how Chris has gotten over things and completely changed his outlook on life, but I just do not know how to reach that mindset. I wish i could value all the negative things for what they are, as it says in the Guesthouse, or see the beauty of life in all its colours, even the darker ones...but I can't. Which is odd if you think about it because rationally speaking my life is probably better than the majority of people's on this planet, I don't live in extreme poverty or hunger nor am I living in a warzone or a natural catastrophe, I don't have an incurable disease...And I wonder how much tougher these people must be to live these lives. So I wish I could stand above these "little" things that ruin my life, and not let everything in life get at me so badly, I wish I could toughen up a bit emotionally...Sometimes I spitefully even wish I could become completely cold and numb towards feelings and not feel anything anymore because overall life seems to be more painful than joyful and what is the point ? Actually I see no point in living it at all. And it's not like you choose to be born, we all get thrown into life without anyone asking us if we actually want that.

I found out about myself that I seem to be just generally really bad at loss and rejection, at letting go of people or times or memories etc. The fact that things come and go and you can't turn back time or hold on to a cherished moment or person forever is perhaps the thing that bothers me most about life. And that makes me so worried about the future. Because if even something comparatively small, if every heartbreak throws me into a major depression, how can you ever survive something much worse that is inevitably gonna come at some point in your life, such as the death of a parent or health failure in old age or something ?

 

^I wouldn't ever imagine that you would have so many problems in your personal life. I think that you are very active and joyful in the forums. I recommend you to make sure you have a job that you are proud of and make new friends trying out hobbies and sports. I'm sorry about your loss and I wouldn't tell you to forget him/her, but just remember all the good times you've been together.Anything that happens in the past shaped who you are today and that should make you feel grateful. But you should understand that this loss can't be the end of YOUR life as well. You are not a bad person at all and you seem to have the will to go out there and make anyone's life better and full of adventures. Don't worry about feeling embarrassed when in public, because if you don't try you'll never know. I was also like this up until last year, until I realised that human interaction is very important and no one will judge you if you come closer to them. It was difficult at first but now I've gained confidence as I discovered that I'd better be myself while talking to anyone and everything will be alright. Try your best and you'll make it through this situation, I'm sure you'll make it.
DON'T EVER GIVE UP

 

I am sorry for hearing that These kind of situations are so horrible, I know how you feel, and I can't come up with anything wise to say... All I can say, which is a cliché, but time will help you heal, trust me! It will be hard to move on, but you will get over it slowly. A big hug for you

Sending you a big hug as well! Just try to keep in mind that all these bad experiences only make you stronger. And always remember, you can reach out for help (us and professionals). Just don't give up.


I literally don't have any strength or interest to do anything. University's exam week approaches and so much other work to do. It just sucks when you are so broken inside already and then more bad stuff just happens, and nothing helps and there is no way to escape the bad feelings. Always music has been a way for me to keep my feelings under control, but I just can't anymore. I am so exhausted and tired of all this. I am so disappointed in my (now former) best friend who decided to cut connection to me during awful time in my life. He just coldly stopped responding to my calls and messages, when I didn't want to tell him everything about one of my personal thing which he used to accept. How can he just throw years and years of friendship away, especially when he knew my life is so f**ked up and I need his support. It's so hard to try to put anything into words and, well,.. I just don't know what to say anymore.

 

As someone who has been surrounded by depression all my life and has had my own dark holes I know it doesn't seem as easy as "it gets better" because of the thoughts that keep swirling in our heads and the moods that just keep clinging on. What I have realized recently though that it is about learning to love yourself and take care of yourself...And take a hard look at what actions or patterns could be keeping you from achieving a better state. What goals could you set to reach a future that will propel you. And then loving yourself through that process, dusting off and charging forward with purpose when you are knocked down. That's what has worked for me when I go into the downward spiral. Sending love.

 

Just reread this during my own recent darkest hour and it is so true. But right now I feel like a blow-up clown that you punch and it pops back up- only I am so tired of doing that, I have no energy to bounce back up again.


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Hi, everyone, just stop by to share a bit of my thoughts/experiences if it can help a bit when we come cross for a reading here~
First of all, thanks for the thread starter and all the support/good energy accumulated here, being open up by courage and trust is not an easy thing, thanks for Co. music and the community, good/shinning humanity manifested here. A secret and nice "synchronization": I once had a dream around the time this thread was created that "maybe there could be a "psychological help" thread for people who are in need of help or would like to share their stories"~

Most of my adult years, I work in education and philanthropy fields, for children and young adults, with teachers, school admins, parents, enterprises, psychologists, lawyers, policy makers, etc. In between, I felt strongly such opportunities not only coming from inspirations of important relationships/events triggered during self-exploration phases, but also a divine/magic design of life itself - as in Amazing Day lyrics penned: "Life has a beautiful, crazy design". To help such children/young adults is to help myself, and we co-create this learning/sharing/healing environment/process. It is like my vocation mirrors back to what I might be adequate/well developed or/yet lack or even insufficient/harmed/abused during each life development phase.

Based on my limited knowledge and experiences, I want to share a bit below. Life seems a long process of discovering one selves, most of time, via relationships, the relationship with your parents, families, school friends/teachers, boyfriends/girlfriends, partners, colleagues/managers, or culture/society in large, etc.; sometimes, we are so hurry/entangled that we neglect other types of relationships, such as with nature(lake, mountain, grassland...), animals, plants, etc. , most of time, which may help us cleanse old worn-out/negative energies and recharge positive ones like good books, music, exercises (yoga etc.). Based on a previous international "Violence Free School project", we've discovered or even proved some common as well as different knowledge(cause-effects etc.)/practices of "life development laws" from materials from Sweden (《The Century of The Child》by Ellen Key, 1900), UK/England (Childhood-Adulthood 26 years' tracking research (quantity/quality, and case studies) - how childhood development/environment affects internal/external "state/behaviors" of the adults, starting around 1970'-1980' or so) and China (Educator Mr. Fengyi Wang's research (quality/case studies) on "Embryo-Familial Environment - Parent Relationship-States - Personality/Well-Beijing of the Adults", around 1900; He was also teaching traditional wisdoms/practices such as Causes-Effects of Buddhism/Confucianism). To be continued~

 

Wow! You are very wise!


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Cont. from the first part above,
If we include pre-incarnation/reincarnation (discoveries/therapy from the likes of Psychiatrist Dr. Brian Weiss(link in the signature)), then we can see the common parts are early childhood development/environment is very important (or even like pre-programmed/embedded) for all the later developments, character building/personality making etc. and above all, the essence of the well being of each life.

If we combine such discoveries (although this might not be sth. new but the effective usage and sustainable integration into classes, clinic, policy etc. seem still fresh and limited.) with most common relationship challenges, we might instinctively(consciously/or unconsciously) attract people/situation mirroring our internal world, with similar insufficient, wounded, or broken parts or on the contrary, with the support/healing energy we are lack of, from this perspective, the purpose is to help, learn and heal with mutual exchange/growth. If we could look at this from different perspectives (in between, immediately after, or even after a certain length of time), what I have learnt from this person/event/situation ? what might be the causes/effects of my behaviors? how can I better love myself and others, what does being happy mean to me etc. I believe the "emotional turbulence/heart breaks/depression" serve its "knocking "purpose/triggering as gifts rather than mere loss or even misfortune. I've read wise words from both Buddhism/Christianity(or wise people) that "All is In the Best Arrangement - thus we shall believe in Divine/Heaven Time (also in you when in synchronization) to Your Manifestation. Anyone who are interested in Astrology, www.astro.com is a professional/inclusive website with many free stuff with an exchange forum, there are also quite a few nice people who might give you valuable online help too [such as Twin Wolf, he is a very knowledgeable, fair, wise and kind man].

By individual maturation, or psychological observation (meditation might help this)/practice, we may gradually rely less on others or relationships, and we are more capable to love the self by a deep awareness/understanding, hence more capable to be in/or sustain loving/constructive/healthy relationships. I am still dealing with childhood scars/pains, and I hope I can be more self-sufficient/self-loving. One activity to share here, to volunteer in non-profit activities might help to restore the positive/loving energies, sometimes, even the trust in humanity if you have been severely harmed/abused.

By my experiences, the adult daily life could be quite hard, and you might meet many who choose to follow the few who are in charge of all the resources, money, human resources, rights of a strict/hierarchical structure (Prof. Joseph E. Stiglitz (Nobel Prize Winner 2001, Columbia University), who questioned the current environment in an open lecture "still from the people, by the people, for the people, or just the top 1%!?"), with no morality ground, telling lies on important issues just for the sake of self/small group or even corruptive interests/purposes. Some cancer curing doctors/psychiatrists even argued whether current complicated social relationships (inequality, stress, deterioration, high divorce rate) contribute more to physical/body health through psychological stress etc.

I still remember a saying from Maya Angelou who gave a lecture in UMKC when I was in college (value what you truly love):
"You can only become truly accomplished at something you love. Don’t make money your goal. Instead pursue the things you love doing and then do them so well that people can’t take their eyes off of you.”
Just attach an Energy - Emotion - Mindset pic for your reference:

Some stages to move upward/forward: self-awareness (allow time/space to understand the hard/core issues here, give yourself individual/quiet time to retrospect/introspect - learn to listen to your gut feelings/inner callings, be brave/frank enough to face All inside but not allow such fully taking/controlling you; learn to differentiate between desire/impulse, normal mental/psychological/emotional/physical need, and driving forces leading to life evolution/transformation(heart/spiritual)) - engage with trustworthy/professionals - get the help/support - restore positive energies [if you can't relax by all means as there is sth. urgent to face continuously, then Let it Be by Beatles].

Someone might find this helpful: http://www.angelmessenger.net/free-angel-card-readings/
Amazing Grace [Children's Voice; Chinese/English]: http://www.kuwo.cn/yinyue/9898381
P.S. sorry for the length, if it is at all, helpful a bit; it is basically about Love, sometimes, religion might be a sensitive or controversial topic to talk, but the love/compassion/light are the essence we can all connect to within and out, (a psychological imagine method) "being with the child inside of you, listening to all his/her saying or crying, open it up, and the music/light would flow in, taking up all the fear, sorrow and anger, you will be fine." I hope the song can help me as good/much as it can help you always be grateful to the friends (Christians, non-Christians) who prayed for and helped me during my great loss.

 

Just attach it again for its wise words and good energies, Charlie Chaplin's As I Began to Love Myself:

 

Thanks, actually, most of my energies are always in mental level - and there is a separation/gulf in between due to early childhood environment; emotion/psychology stuff is always easier to say than done...I hope people could be aware of family pattern much earlier, then the individual can grow out of it gradually.

 

Sending you a big hug You WILL get up again, everything in its right time.

 

I'm glad that it may have helped in some small way in your darkest hour...and I am sorry you are going through this.

I don't know if this is helpful, but, I am a ruminator, and there are definitely times when my hormones are such that I will sit in that spiral until I cry it out, or push everyone away while I am in my dark place and pass the storm. I'm lucky in that usually I can get past it in a few days.

But, something I am trying recently is much more mindfulness. I used to think all this stuff was crazy and didn't work for my anxious mind. But it has recently started to click with me. Probably because I have been rewatching Chris's interviews post his breakup and all he did to heal himself. Practicing emptying my mind, just noticing how I feel, trying to attach no judgement to it, trying to love myself no matter what I feel. Finding the positive in the negative.

It's hard. It takes practice. But when I am successful, it really helps.

 

Thinking or ruminating (I wonder if that’s where “umi” comes from in AOAL about this. You’ve given me lots to consider! Thanks!


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Great to hear your trying and the experience~ it has helped me a lot, and it is a hard but rewarding process. Whether they are endless/"energies absorbing" thoughts or strong emotions, trying to let it out/flow but without being taken by them. Maybe, at first, you are like the one who don't know how to swim in the deep ocean~ after practicing, gradually, it seems you standing by the river of thoughts/emotions, with more understanding but less judgement, then continuously, the origin/answers of the problem surfing out itself, the inner/wise words coming out naturally, the "turbulent waves" then disappearing. It is hard to describe, but I guess I got your saying to a degree.