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OK Computer vs. Mylo Xyloto


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Mylo Xyloto vs. Opening the OK Computer CD

These are two very similar songs in that neither is really a song at all. The former is a pointless act of Eno instrumentals, while the latter is a pointless act of attempting to break the seal off the case, then getting pissed off because there's some sticky residue stuck to the case that you still can't wipe off with water and a towel. MX is the winner here, because you avoid the risk of water damage to your purchase.

 

Hurts Like Heaven vs. Airbag

Again, very similar songs, because HLH talks about heaven, while Thom Yorke repeats the words "I am born again" in Airbag, which is the key to heaven in many religions. I have to give the advantage to Airbag, because Thom says he's "back to save the universe", presumably to battle the dark lord Chris Martin who insists on using his "heart as a weapon" to destroy galaxies.

 

Paradise vs. Paranoid Android

Para-para-paradise. Para-para-paranoid android. They're basically the same song for that reason, but the former rolls off the tongue way easier. Paradise wins by default for that reason, even though Paranoid Android is technically a 390218190348675980327485320 times better song.

 

Charlie Brown vs. Subterranean Homesick Alien

Thom Yorke says he's "finally lost it completely", but Chris Martin beat him to the punch by writing Paradise one song beforehand, proving that he "lost it" way before. Plus, rave kids love Charlie Brown. Do you see any kids raving to SHA? No, you see them smoking weed. And as everyone knows, smoking weed is way more fun when you're raving.

 

Us Against the World vs. Exit Music (For a Film)

Both bands' epic struggles as Coldplay is fighting "the world" a la Scott Pilgrim, while Radiohead is facing some mysterious being whose name is never stated who they hope chokes. I sympathize much more with Radiohead here, as a mysterious force could be anything. It could be God, it could be the Matrix, it could be Thom Yorke's grandma's terrible cooking, ANYTHING. Whereas you already know what "the world" is.

 

M.M.I.X. vs. bathroom break

They're both bathroom breaks. M.M.I.X. probably isn't long enough for a bathroom break, but you're really not missing anything by taking a dump during MX's next song either.

 

Every Teardrop Is a Waterfall vs. Let Down

ETIAW is a huge let down, while Let Down is actually named Let Down. Taking that into consideration, I honestly can't tell these songs apart. Let's call it a draw.

 

Major Minus vs. Karma Police

I don't know who the hell Major Minus is or how he got promoted to the position of "major", but I bet he's at war with the karma police, who apparently want to arrest Major Minus because he talks in maths and buzzes like a fridge. Quite frankly, this what Major Minus gets when he messes with them.

 

UFO vs. Fitter Happier

Apologies to Chris Martin, but even with his sweet, gentle voice in a more acoustic track, he just can't compare to the unbelievable vocal range of Microsoft Sam.

 

Princess of China vs. Electioneering

Everyone and their mother knows about Chris Martin's huge scandalous affair with Rihanna by this point, but I have a feeling there's more trouble than meets the eye here, and that Rihanna may also be cheating with Thom Yorke, especially when Thom sings "somewhere we will meet", as if to say they have to find a secret place to get it on where no tabloids will find them. As the song implies, Rihanna is extremely Chinese, and I just don't think Asians are Thom's type. Gotta give the prize to PoC here.

 

Up in Flames vs. Climbing Up the Walls

Unlike the previous songs which were all extremely similar, these two songs couldn't be more different. CUTW talks about how "it's always best when the candle's out", implying fire disappearing, whereas Up in Flames constantly talks about stuff being up in flames. These two songs just aren't comparable and are likewise a smudge on two otherwise completely identical albums.

 

A Hopeful Transmission vs. No Surprises

The similarities return here, as AHT has absolutely no surprises in it, while No Surprises talks about no surprises. I don't know which of these two songs came out first, but I sense a major lawsuit happening here.

 

Don't Let It Break Your Heart vs. Lucky

Radiohead's brilliant Britney Spears cover here easily triumphs over Coldplay's middling Coldplay cover.

 

Up With the Birds vs. The Tourist

The Tourist says something "barks" in the beginning, implying a dog, because dogs bark. Up With the Birds flat-out tells you it's talking about birds. If you put a dog and a bird in a cage together, the bird would be eaten within seconds. Coldplay is clearly the one eaten here.

 

I dunno, I can't decide which of these two albums is better. They're just so, so similar.

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