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I ran away

Everyday Life and depression

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@nowayme, your story was seriously moving, nearly to the point of tears. I'm beyond happy for you that you managed to get yourself out of that mess, that after 30 long years you finally triumphed against your lifelong depression and that you didn't let it get the best of you by taking your life away either.

Some people give up so easily, and I honestly can't blame them but there's a lot of beauty and happiness in the world too, if you know where to look, and to take the "glass half full" approach. For some things we decide what labels we want to put on them, whether they make us feel happy or sad. And it's those things that sometimes can make or break a person's life.

I'm very sorry to hear though that your friend passed away the day Coldplay's new singles came out. You say she had deteriorating health, was it a mental or physical thing? Much condolences to you and her friends and family though, I must imagine that even though you're risen above your past that hit you very hard like a brick to the stomach, and that you're still recovering.

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Well you know I'm not the sentimental type but since I've dealt with this shit for so long myself all I can say is never think of yourself as a lonesome individual with no friends or people/communities who count on your existence (this place included and I want to press how much we all care about you) . Seeking professional help is a must and the better experts out there will recommend medication along with CBT. The music you listen to also matters a lot just like all the other things you get up to on a daily basis.

 

As for the album, I have a LOT to say about it. It's possibly the greatest step forward for Coldplay and I'm a bit lost for words right now but I'm sure we're gonna have a ton of fun discussing it you and I ;)

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@nowayme, your story was seriously moving, nearly to the point of tears. I'm beyond happy for you that you managed to get yourself out of that mess, that after 30 long years you finally triumphed against your lifelong depression and that you didn't let it get the best of you by taking your life away either.

Some people give up so easily, and I honestly can't blame them but there's a lot of beauty and happiness in the world too, if you know where to look, and to take the "glass half full" approach. For some things we decide what labels we want to put on them, whether they make us feel happy or sad. And it's those things that sometimes can make or break a person's life.

I'm very sorry to hear though that your friend passed away the day Coldplay's new singles came out. You say she had deteriorating health, was it a mental or physical thing? Much condolences to you and her friends and family though, I must imagine that even though you're risen above your past that hit you very hard like a brick to the stomach, and that you're still recovering.

It was physical, it got really bad the last year to the point we had to rush her to the ER and the doctors essentialy told me that she's dieing and I must be prepared but my brain rejected the thought. I'm so mad at myself right now. I have guilt.

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hello @I ran away , and all the other coldplayers who've had rough times.

i want to tell you, my friend, that you are absolutely not alone in this, and we're all reaching out to hug you. as an album that talks about deep subject matter, i totally get that listening to EL in such a mood can worsen it. for me, personally, listening to music or watching tv/movies have been the solace to bring me out of dark places.

 

believe it or not, i have had really bad anxiety throughout the last couple of years, and most recently, i was diagnosed with ASD. the days within this time have ranged from blissful to absolute hell...i almost lost a friend who was really close to me due to stupid decisions, i completely lost track of where i was when first talking to new people in public, and have worried/overthought so many things that i'm pretty sure i sweat excessively every day. my head may be a clusterfuck, but i try to leave all my mistakes/things that i'm not proud of in the past and live in the present day. it's difficult when you've got so much bullshit going round in your head, but it's something that i have done over and over, and the other side is (no pun intended) paradise.

 

mental health should be addressed more in society. it's disgraceful the way some people think that it doesn't exist.

 

i love you all.

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Alright so firstly I am so sorry to hear this. I think I heard you mention that somewhere before here tbh. It wasn't something I thought much about though. I swear I remember you saying this though. But in any case I am so sorry for you and I sincerely hope you do get better soon, because mental illness SUCKS and I can speak from experience. My thoughts go out to everybody affected by this, but most specifically in this thread @I ran away who was suffering very severely, and @Famous Old Painter as well.

 

For my story: I don't have clinical depression so I can't relate as specifically to what you're talking about, but I am on the OCD spectrum and I've experienced it all, from extremely mild starting from a specific event in March of 2015 that is still too triggering to talk about, but steadily and sneakily increasing for the first year and a half, then getting progressively worse and worse at the end of 2016 and into 2017. It was around this point that it was getting too severe that I couldn't hide it anymore. I figured at the beginning that I'd be older and wiser enough to deal with these issues and I'd be fine, but being so naive and not realizing so many people deal with the exact same issues growing up I had little Idea that I was almost literally "dead" wrong. I would be picky to the point where I just had to open up to my parents about it. I swore to not tell ANYBODY else about it, although the other people in the household began to take notice as well. I just didn't want word to spread outside the household and for people to make fun at me about it. I just didn't want to lose anyone, that was my fear (and as you mentioned, you actually lost somebody probably because of this, which is too bad that some people who are "normal" act that way and reject everybody else, it's just that social stigma and our fear of losing people that prevents us from opening up).

 

It got to the point where I was having complete mental breakdowns where there was this voice saying terrible things making me feel bad, and to stop it I'd self-injure, it'd get bad enough for me to do that around every two weeks. Then around April of 2017 it was every week. Eventually it was every few days, then every day in May 2017. June was arguably my low point, as I was having these meltdowns sometimes a few times a day. My parents threatened me with the emergency room, which we went to a few times but didn't actually get out as I managed to calm myself down enough. I had to calm down enough, because we were going on vacation and they were saying they might cancel it because I was that unstable. And I REALLY needed to get out of this ugly place, I felt that vacation would do me a very good job. I managed to keep things under wraps forcefully for a while, but that didn't fix the underlying issue whatsoever. We go on vacation and because I've been bottling this up it began to creep back again. I remember a freakout actually happening sort of out in the open, there weren't many people around, there was 1 though. He didn't really notice, but I was screaming and I threw my phone, lost a part of it and the screen was a little cracked where it hit the ground but it still worked fine, and would probably still work fine to this day if I hadn't sold it to get another phone.

 

Anyhow the big turnaround moment was on a specific day where there was supposed to be a huge fireworks show that was supposed to look really awesome. I seen something that triggered me and as usual I go into full meltdown mode. It was when I was in the truck, I'd seen other things that day that made me uncomfortable but that was the last straw. Was taken to the emergency room against my will, but it was definitely for the better. Ended up staying 5 or 6 hours there, which I know is nothing compared to some visits. But it was enough to make me miss the show, that I had planned for months, I had my playlist all set up and ready to go for it (hopefully you can tell how passionate I am about music now). I could hear my voice looking down and knowing that whatever they'd give me would make him go away, but at the very least "he was able to take away this show from me". I'm just very glad it wasn't a Coldplay concert. Series of doctors came in, pretty much asking me the same thing. Got extremely tiring after a while just saying the same thing over and over again, I don't know why they just don't bring in the biggest wig firstly. I guess he was busy and they were sending in lower level people first, but yeah. You could just tell the top psychiatrist was looking straight through you, could understand so well..... He was gonna give me some Prozac but a short term fix would be the.... I can't remember the name of it but it was a tiny little white dot, and it totally shut off all your emotions. It worked very well in the short term but you'd need to keep taking it so it would stop. It made me feel like a robot without emotion, and it was freaking terrible. But it was FAR better than having to deal with all that other garbage. They were considering keeping me for the night just to keep an eye on me, but I had calmed down enough by that point that they sent me back. At first they wanted to fly me home, and I was like nooooo way. I managed to win the rest of the trip back, but the last few days got stressful again, as I was not yet on Prozac, and even then it takes a few weeks to kick in so I wouldn't have felt the effect anyway. The day was a complete wreck by the way, just like every day was that had a meltdown. Once you expend that much bad energy on something like that, you just feel empty and torn up inside. You might be fine but it just doesn't feel very good whatsoever.

 

Got home and got on the Prozac.... after about four weeks it was doing freaking wonders. I still had those issues but they cooled off significantly, I wasn't freaking out as often anymore, and I could actually live life. I still had the tendencies I had in the past, but they didn't bother me as much and I could deal with it, even if it was in a very weird way, calmly. From then on it's been a steady decline till, I don't know. I think the past almost a year? Things still bother me but I have much more energy efficient ways of dealing with it now. That's pretty much my story, and I don't wanna delve too deep into what exactly bothers me and how I dealt with it as it is still triggering. But for those of you who have OCD, you'll definitely tend to find that what bothers you changes. Something will bother you some days, and not bother you at all other days. Then over months, what used to bother you will fade away, then something else will take its place. It's a never ending vicious cycle, and I don't know exactly what causes it, but it's fucking terrible and still haunts me. Even if these meds I'm still on have help tons, I'm not sure this will be a disease that can ever be cured fully, or that I can be the way I used to ever again. What is certain, is that my life is at the very least bearable again, and some of the time enjoyable..

 

Now what's eerie is that a long time friend of mine began showing signs of more severe mental illness, getting to the point where he had to take 2 different meds a day. Then another more recent friend of mine opened up and said that it'd been very mild for a very long time but recently got unbearable. Like you, this person has been diagnosed with clinical depression, although she suspects she has some schizophrenia as well. THEN just over this summer my brother, who's been mildly idiosyncratic most of his life just like the rest of the people mentioned including myself, showed extremely similar OCD tendencies to what I currently face now, and that's the scariest part. Like I can barely accept that to be coincidence, for me to not only be dealing with something right now and he's going through the exact same thing? And it's not something general like "life is terrible" or whatever, it's a very specific thing both of us are dealing with which seemed to start up around the same time. Like Geez.

 

The other point I wanted to make with this is that it seems like those of us who have these mental illnesses more often than not have an extremely mild form of it in their childhood. My recent friend has said this, my brother has said this, my long time friend has had a variety of mental illnesses in the past, and I can say the same thing. It's a very common childhood example, but I'd always imagine when laying down that if I didn't bring my legs up past a certain line, a monster would get me. But I seriously worried about this, even though deeply I knew it wouldn't happen. And I did it anyway, because this same voice which was much tamer at this time told me I had to do that. Turns out the monster was him all along..... I've always had issues with certain textures of objects that would remind me of bad things, but it got much worse from a certain incident involving that in early 2015. and that's as much as I'm willing to say about what exactly triggers my OCD, but to be honest it's branched out from there and it's not just limited to texture anymore, in fact that's gone fairly minor now. It just started all of this that formed a concept, upon which other OCD tendencies have formed. In fact typing this out made me realize it was all about this all along, and I've never ever thought about it this deeply before, see this is what happens when you open up and think things through, whether it's to yourself or something else, that can help you get through an illness.

 

Now I've noticed that you're talking about how some themes make you uncomfortable, and how you can't really enjoy these songs because they make your depression worse. I could definitely see how this would play a part, and with me there's certain songs that have certain themes, not really mood wise for me, but things I just "don't like" I guess that I can't listen to because of this. So I can relate to it in that way, but in a mood sense I actually prefer listening to songs that line up with my mood. Yes if I'm sad it'll make me even more sad, but it's that theme fitting that actually helped me cope, this is a part of why I live for music, because it just enhances whatever I'm feeling at the time. I like getting deeper into my emotions and enhancing them, and music helps me do that. Not anger of course, and it doesn't promote anger to the point of doing that, it's more of a harmless anger, but if I am feeling legitimate anger it can be extremely relatable and all the better, for me mood doesn't get "stuck" like that so I can delve as deep into any emotion and I'll be fine and great. I especially found some songs to be very relatable. Among others, the Mouldplay classic "Only Superstition" and "Runaway Train" by Soul Asylum. At my worst I found I was really enjoying some Linkin Park, One Step Closer couldn't be more relatable if it tried. It's almost as if he had these same things going on and it at least annoyed Chester in the exact same way it was bugging me. Just the themes are almost the same!

 

 

 

 

I know this all too well too. I personally don't suffer from chronic depression but a friend does and it can be VERY serious. I definitely know it's not just "sadness" too, it's a chemical imbalance in the brain that causes...... well, I can't describe it because I don't have depression, but for those of you who do have depression you know exactly what @I ran away is talking about.

And especially because you're a prominent community member who I know very well and have these connections with I'm even more sorry to hear this. :(

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I know right?!?!!? There's this social stigma around it, really no matter what age you are, although it's more severe in some people's cases, and this causes people to bottle up and thus most of the time it gets worse. My recent friend has done this as mentioned above, and I did it for a long time until she opened up to me about it in September of last year. She was the first person outside my family I told about this, and then it was just kept to the small friend group. I know that because of this she has certain tendencies that have embarrassed her in public before. I've always been extremely cautious in public not to stand out or look like a fool, because I didn't want people thinking I was weird. I've always been an introvert and I've always just wanted to blend in, be invisible ya know. It just gets bottled up, and this relates back to the whole topic of, we need to let people know about this. It sucks when there's been people that are victims of being slaves to modern society and what being "normal" is like, and to reject anything outside that, but it's definitely good to open up to friends and family you trust and can count on. And when the world's ready, we'll hopefully be able to be entirely transparent about everything we're going through. Just too much drama and bad in the world to do that yet..... huh that kind of relates to this EL theme :O

 

 

 

 

Too relatable, if you've read above you'll see I've had a similar experience.

 

That freaking sucks though, holy shit I didn't know it was bad enough for you to be hospitalized :(

 

 

 

 

Mental illness has ups and downs. Even now in a much milder state, I have some good and bad days. Bad nowhere near as what it used to be thankfully, but everybody's different. I hope you get well soon, as always.

 

 

 

 

TOO RELATABLE

 

 

 

 

Remember everybody's different and you might not react to those songs as she did. Better to be safe than sorry though, and if EL triggered you it's best to stay away for now.

 

 

 

 

Too relatable, happens to the best of us, we just can't resist some good ol' Coldplay :joy:

christ.

@cp3176 , a lot of this speaks to me.

the voice inside your head?

the fears of 'monsters' killing you as a form of it in earlier life? (for me, this was anything that was remotely 'scary' as a kid)

the fact that sometimes that voice can be so loud that it ruins great times in your life?

 

i reach out to you man. this isn't far off from the shit i've been going through.

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really? shocked.gif.8f0fe216b60c8d549f526aadddd9a86c.gif

It's crazy just how many people I find are going through really similar things as me. It's probably just for the reason we suspect, it's kinda taboo to speak about these things out in the open and as a society we're not accepting enough of these things yet to do so either, so a lot more people have the exact same issues we have and we don't know about it for this reason probably, and speaking to a lot of you on the forum who I don't even know the names or faces of really opens my eyes to this, that even though we don't really assume there is a human being behind all these messages, there most definitely is and they have their own story, every bit as special as our own, and to recognize that is just mind blowing when you really think about the person who's behind the keyboard typing. and for this, I also would like to reach out to @arushofjacktothehead and hope that, just as I, and many other people have, fight their way through this rut and come out from it stronger than ever.

you're spot on with all those things you said too dude. For the monsters though I guess I wasn't as scared of them killing me, I just felt that they'd grab me by the legs or something and I needed to put them up over a certain line when I was laying down to prevent that, probably as a way to protect myself.

so I specifically reach out to you too as I'm pretty sure we both know exactly how each other feels about this!

I think you're one of the people from before that I knew might have had something because I remember you saying something that somebody had to calm you down because you were in a state of panic. Can't remember where I read that but I do remember you saying something about that.

 

I'm also so sorry to hear that @nowayme, that she was rushed to the ER, and you thought she would live and she didn't..... Very sorry for your loss. cry.gif.7070ed170e25f3578944a5a14a4b9e84.gifcry.gif.7070ed170e25f3578944a5a14a4b9e84.gif cry.gif.7070ed170e25f3578944a5a14a4b9e84.gif

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I'm finally able to sit down and go through all the posts again and individually reply to some of them. Sorry it took that long !

This will be a very long post.

Thanks to everyone who replied. I have to say I'm in a much better place these days, ever since my lucky trip to London. I'm still drawing some feeling/life energy from it, after 2 weeks ! It's incredible, it's like a miracle. Usually even good things happening to me in life can't turn my overall mood around, but this was different. It WAS a miracle, actually, being so lucky and all !

 

First of all... thank you for sharing this.

 

It's interesting because music affects people in so many different ways. I became a fan when I heard X&Y for the first time. I was a depressed teenager at the time who still deals with that from time to time, and for me the darker atmosphere of X&Y was therapeutic, as were albums like Radiohead's Kid A, Deftones' White Pony, and Blink-182's self-titled album.

 

I was actually in a similar situation to you, I got hospitalized more than once. Things got better over time, I saw Coldplay live for the first time in 2016 and that was powerful for me, but then things got bad again. I started university and I felt lost, got involved in a bad crowd, and just... struggled. I did poorly in classes, I took out my frustration with myself on other people who have never spoken to me since then... I hate thinking about that time. I dislike that version of myself so much. Things have been on the upswing again after a couple years, thank goodness...

 

Everyday Life hits me, as some in my generation might put it, "right in the feels." There are aspects of it that hit very close to home. Personally, I find that therapeutic. But I completely understand why that might not be the case for everyone.

 

Stay strong, my friend. :sunrise::moon:

So sorry to hear you've been going through similar troubles. Don't be too hard on yourself. It doesn't matter anymore what you were like, a) you are a different person now and b) it was just your mental health troubles "acting" like that, not your true self. You are valuable and loved. X&Y is definitely a therapeutic album and speaks to me a lot. However, when I'm in one of these holes not even that can reach me,. Interesting that you mention Radiohead. i like some songs/albums from them (my favourite, and the only album I have in full, being A Moon Shaped Pool) but for me they lack that shimmer of hope that is in every Coldplay song. A lot of their music is very sad as it is, don't think I could bear listening to them when I'm actually depressed. But everyone reacts differently. The other albums you mentioned I'm afraid I don't know.

 

Mental health is such a serious problem that gets ignored in society. Especially in my own demographic of young men in their twenties, I know all too well how depression can take someone’s beautiful soul and just wreck it entirely.

 

I went through a rough patch in 2015 where things in life just got on top of me. I was feeling really down and didn’t see much light at the end of the tunnel.. but I pulled through in the end, my circumstances changed and I’m in a much better place now. So all I would say to you is this... hang in there because you never know what tomorrow might bring.

 

I salute your braveness for speaking out and in regards about how EL is making you feel worse, the album and the band will still be there, just wait until your in a better frame of mind.

 

There’s more to life than just Coldplay.

I know, but it's still a big part of my life :D Glad you feel better now ! And yes, we need more awareness and understanding. Sadly, not even the closest people around me understand or take it seriously.

 

@I ran away,

 

You are, and always will be, a dear friend to me. What you are doing to spread the message about mental health is truly admirable. As you know, but I will share here for the first time, I too suffer from anxiety and clinical depression, the latter of which usually arises only in certain situations, but is no less debilitating during the timeframes it strikes,

 

My friends here, know that my mom’s death two years ago 11/20 and my best friend’s death three years ago Thanksgiving are two of those situations that were hard to come back from. So this album coming out this time of year is really dangerous for me. I’ve already shared that Everyday Life track was really triggering. So I’m grateful you’ve done us all a service with this thread and your assessments. I’ll be skipping the songs you mention above for now.

 

Meanwhile, be well, friend! To everyone who might suffer from mental illnesses, please check out The Mighty.com and app, They have threads on many mental health and other illnesses and incredible resources and articles from fellow sufferers. It could save your life.

 

Thanks @iamsue, will check that out ! I hope you have listened to the whole album in the meantime. Everyone reacts differently, so there is no telling if you will feel the same way about the songs or differently ! What do you think of the album ?

 

 

Dear @I ran away, I really appreciate your courage to speak about it, I'm not even close to be a doctor but I think and hope that just doing it in public could be a good way to ease the pain and get a speedy (relatively speaking) recover, along with everything your therapy prescribes.

It saddens me to hear this from you just after my return here on CPing, you have always been one of the most well-known and beautiful voices here and I know that life could be very tough at times, but I couldn't see it coming.

In my life I've been lucky enough not to suffer of this kind of illnesses, so I can't understand your situation fully, but if there is something I'm certain is that music can always help to get everything better. I always cope with the feeling my life sucks and music literally saves me everyday, and I think I'm not the only one who thinks that.

So this passion led me to discover such a huge amount of different music that I can't think about something that could be useful for you, but you can discover it by yourself. Music could and should be part of your recovery strategy, we all need you at the best, and YOU deserve to feel better than this, for the person you are.

I can do so little for you from here, but just think that I've been away from CPing for ages and I have never forgotten about our great conversations together with other great people round here, so this means that you left something good in someone you've never met, and you can do it also with people you meet everyday or you're about to meet in your life.

...and also think about how many times I used the words "everyday" and "life" in this post, maybe in our darkest times we shouldn't be afraid to walk in the dark and let us be guided by a friendly voice like Chris' one. Maybe you don't know it, but this coincidence between the atmosphere of this LP and your situation could be good for you.

 

My thoughts and hopes are obviously with @Famous Old Painter too, hope everything will be fine for you and your partner.

 

This is not a CP song, but the title and the lyrics are my wish for you my friends, hope that one day you can say "as I finally leave the dark"

 

Thanks for your very kind words. I had no idea you still remember all those conversations :cry: maybe sometimes one does have more of an impact on other people than one thinks.

 

My partner’s out of hospital now and alive and well. Obviously the road ahead is going to be a difficult and frightening one for both of us, but I’m staying optimistic. Thanks for all the love and support, it means a lot.

How is she now ?

 

Here is a link from a cartoon someone posted in some of the mental health threads. I think we here can relate! I will also get links to their music playlists. Every now and then they survey their users to compile lists that uplift, calm, distract from pain or help cope.

https://themighty.com/content/5dd0604e0c9bc200c9330751/.

Definitely can relate !

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Alright so firstly I am so sorry to hear this. I think I heard you mention that somewhere before here tbh. It wasn't something I thought much about though. I swear I remember you saying this though. But in any case I am so sorry for you and I sincerely hope you do get better soon, because mental illness SUCKS and I can speak from experience. My thoughts go out to everybody affected by this, but most specifically in this thread @I ran away who was suffering very severely, and @Famous Old Painter as well.

 

For my story: I don't have clinical depression so I can't relate as specifically to what you're talking about, but I am on the OCD spectrum and I've experienced it all, from extremely mild starting from a specific event in March of 2015 that is still too triggering to talk about, but steadily and sneakily increasing for the first year and a half, then getting progressively worse and worse at the end of 2016 and into 2017. It was around this point that it was getting too severe that I couldn't hide it anymore. I figured at the beginning that I'd be older and wiser enough to deal with these issues and I'd be fine, but being so naive and not realizing so many people deal with the exact same issues growing up I had little Idea that I was almost literally "dead" wrong. I would be picky to the point where I just had to open up to my parents about it. I swore to not tell ANYBODY else about it, although the other people in the household began to take notice as well. I just didn't want word to spread outside the household and for people to make fun at me about it. I just didn't want to lose anyone, that was my fear (and as you mentioned, you actually lost somebody probably because of this, which is too bad that some people who are "normal" act that way and reject everybody else, it's just that social stigma and our fear of losing people that prevents us from opening up).

 

It got to the point where I was having complete mental breakdowns where there was this voice saying terrible things making me feel bad, and to stop it I'd self-injure, it'd get bad enough for me to do that around every two weeks. Then around April of 2017 it was every week. Eventually it was every few days, then every day in May 2017. June was arguably my low point, as I was having these meltdowns sometimes a few times a day. My parents threatened me with the emergency room, which we went to a few times but didn't actually get out as I managed to calm myself down enough. I had to calm down enough, because we were going on vacation and they were saying they might cancel it because I was that unstable. And I REALLY needed to get out of this ugly place, I felt that vacation would do me a very good job. I managed to keep things under wraps forcefully for a while, but that didn't fix the underlying issue whatsoever. We go on vacation and because I've been bottling this up it began to creep back again. I remember a freakout actually happening sort of out in the open, there weren't many people around, there was 1 though. He didn't really notice, but I was screaming and I threw my phone, lost a part of it and the screen was a little cracked where it hit the ground but it still worked fine, and would probably still work fine to this day if I hadn't sold it to get another phone.

 

Anyhow the big turnaround moment was on a specific day where there was supposed to be a huge fireworks show that was supposed to look really awesome. I seen something that triggered me and as usual I go into full meltdown mode. It was when I was in the truck, I'd seen other things that day that made me uncomfortable but that was the last straw. Was taken to the emergency room against my will, but it was definitely for the better. Ended up staying 5 or 6 hours there, which I know is nothing compared to some visits. But it was enough to make me miss the show, that I had planned for months, I had my playlist all set up and ready to go for it (hopefully you can tell how passionate I am about music now). I could hear my voice looking down and knowing that whatever they'd give me would make him go away, but at the very least "he was able to take away this show from me". I'm just very glad it wasn't a Coldplay concert. Series of doctors came in, pretty much asking me the same thing. Got extremely tiring after a while just saying the same thing over and over again, I don't know why they just don't bring in the biggest wig firstly. I guess he was busy and they were sending in lower level people first, but yeah. You could just tell the top psychiatrist was looking straight through you, could understand so well..... He was gonna give me some Prozac but a short term fix would be the.... I can't remember the name of it but it was a tiny little white dot, and it totally shut off all your emotions. It worked very well in the short term but you'd need to keep taking it so it would stop. It made me feel like a robot without emotion, and it was freaking terrible. But it was FAR better than having to deal with all that other garbage. They were considering keeping me for the night just to keep an eye on me, but I had calmed down enough by that point that they sent me back. At first they wanted to fly me home, and I was like nooooo way. I managed to win the rest of the trip back, but the last few days got stressful again, as I was not yet on Prozac, and even then it takes a few weeks to kick in so I wouldn't have felt the effect anyway. The day was a complete wreck by the way, just like every day was that had a meltdown. Once you expend that much bad energy on something like that, you just feel empty and torn up inside. You might be fine but it just doesn't feel very good whatsoever.

 

Got home and got on the Prozac.... after about four weeks it was doing freaking wonders. I still had those issues but they cooled off significantly, I wasn't freaking out as often anymore, and I could actually live life. I still had the tendencies I had in the past, but they didn't bother me as much and I could deal with it, even if it was in a very weird way, calmly. From then on it's been a steady decline till, I don't know. I think the past almost a year? Things still bother me but I have much more energy efficient ways of dealing with it now. That's pretty much my story, and I don't wanna delve too deep into what exactly bothers me and how I dealt with it as it is still triggering. But for those of you who have OCD, you'll definitely tend to find that what bothers you changes. Something will bother you some days, and not bother you at all other days. Then over months, what used to bother you will fade away, then something else will take its place. It's a never ending vicious cycle, and I don't know exactly what causes it, but it's fucking terrible and still haunts me. Even if these meds I'm still on have help tons, I'm not sure this will be a disease that can ever be cured fully, or that I can be the way I used to ever again. What is certain, is that my life is at the very least bearable again, and some of the time enjoyable..

 

Now what's eerie is that a long time friend of mine began showing signs of more severe mental illness, getting to the point where he had to take 2 different meds a day. Then another more recent friend of mine opened up and said that it'd been very mild for a very long time but recently got unbearable. Like you, this person has been diagnosed with clinical depression, although she suspects she has some schizophrenia as well. THEN just over this summer my brother, who's been mildly idiosyncratic most of his life just like the rest of the people mentioned including myself, showed extremely similar OCD tendencies to what I currently face now, and that's the scariest part. Like I can barely accept that to be coincidence, for me to not only be dealing with something right now and he's going through the exact same thing? And it's not something general like "life is terrible" or whatever, it's a very specific thing both of us are dealing with which seemed to start up around the same time. Like Geez.

 

The other point I wanted to make with this is that it seems like those of us who have these mental illnesses more often than not have an extremely mild form of it in their childhood. My recent friend has said this, my brother has said this, my long time friend has had a variety of mental illnesses in the past, and I can say the same thing. It's a very common childhood example, but I'd always imagine when laying down that if I didn't bring my legs up past a certain line, a monster would get me. But I seriously worried about this, even though deeply I knew it wouldn't happen. And I did it anyway, because this same voice which was much tamer at this time told me I had to do that. Turns out the monster was him all along..... I've always had issues with certain textures of objects that would remind me of bad things, but it got much worse from a certain incident involving that in early 2015. and that's as much as I'm willing to say about what exactly triggers my OCD, but to be honest it's branched out from there and it's not just limited to texture anymore, in fact that's gone fairly minor now. It just started all of this that formed a concept, upon which other OCD tendencies have formed. In fact typing this out made me realize it was all about this all along, and I've never ever thought about it this deeply before, see this is what happens when you open up and think things through, whether it's to yourself or something else, that can help you get through an illness.

 

Now I've noticed that you're talking about how some themes make you uncomfortable, and how you can't really enjoy these songs because they make your depression worse. I could definitely see how this would play a part, and with me there's certain songs that have certain themes, not really mood wise for me, but things I just "don't like" I guess that I can't listen to because of this. So I can relate to it in that way, but in a mood sense I actually prefer listening to songs that line up with my mood. Yes if I'm sad it'll make me even more sad, but it's that theme fitting that actually helped me cope, this is a part of why I live for music, because it just enhances whatever I'm feeling at the time. I like getting deeper into my emotions and enhancing them, and music helps me do that. Not anger of course, and it doesn't promote anger to the point of doing that, it's more of a harmless anger, but if I am feeling legitimate anger it can be extremely relatable and all the better, for me mood doesn't get "stuck" like that so I can delve as deep into any emotion and I'll be fine and great. I especially found some songs to be very relatable. Among others, the Mouldplay classic "Only Superstition" and "Runaway Train" by Soul Asylum. At my worst I found I was really enjoying some Linkin Park, One Step Closer couldn't be more relatable if it tried. It's almost as if he had these same things going on and it at least annoyed Chester in the exact same way it was bugging me. Just the themes are almost the same!

 

 

 

 

I know this all too well too. I personally don't suffer from chronic depression but a friend does and it can be VERY serious. I definitely know it's not just "sadness" too, it's a chemical imbalance in the brain that causes...... well, I can't describe it because I don't have depression, but for those of you who do have depression you know exactly what @I ran away is talking about.

And especially because you're a prominent community member who I know very well and have these connections with I'm even more sorry to hear this. :(

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I know right?!?!!? There's this social stigma around it, really no matter what age you are, although it's more severe in some people's cases, and this causes people to bottle up and thus most of the time it gets worse. My recent friend has done this as mentioned above, and I did it for a long time until she opened up to me about it in September of last year. She was the first person outside my family I told about this, and then it was just kept to the small friend group. I know that because of this she has certain tendencies that have embarrassed her in public before. I've always been extremely cautious in public not to stand out or look like a fool, because I didn't want people thinking I was weird. I've always been an introvert and I've always just wanted to blend in, be invisible ya know. It just gets bottled up, and this relates back to the whole topic of, we need to let people know about this. It sucks when there's been people that are victims of being slaves to modern society and what being "normal" is like, and to reject anything outside that, but it's definitely good to open up to friends and family you trust and can count on. And when the world's ready, we'll hopefully be able to be entirely transparent about everything we're going through. Just too much drama and bad in the world to do that yet..... huh that kind of relates to this EL theme :O

 

 

 

 

Too relatable, if you've read above you'll see I've had a similar experience.

 

That freaking sucks though, holy shit I didn't know it was bad enough for you to be hospitalized :(

 

 

 

 

Mental illness has ups and downs. Even now in a much milder state, I have some good and bad days. Bad nowhere near as what it used to be thankfully, but everybody's different. I hope you get well soon, as always.

 

 

 

 

TOO RELATABLE

 

 

 

 

Remember everybody's different and you might not react to those songs as she did. Better to be safe than sorry though, and if EL triggered you it's best to stay away for now.

 

 

 

 

Too relatable, happens to the best of us, we just can't resist some good ol' Coldplay :joy:

Wow. Re-reading your story was really hard right now, almost triggered tears. Before you had posted it I had no idea what you had gone through, and I was surprised. As you said, we are all afraid to open up because there will inevitably be negative reactions, but if we don't no one can tell what it looks like inside of us. Thanks for this open and honest inside account of OCD and what it is like :heart: We all know and love your posts here and your passion for music too, and wouldn't wanna miss them for the world !

And yes, unfortunately many of these diseases exhibit a higher hereditary risk. A very close family member committed suicide because of depression, so definitely I know my risks.

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Thank you @ I ran away, and everyone else as well for sharing. I have been thinking of all of you since this thread was started, wondering what I should say/how I should share. Please know I have been thinking of all of you and your struggles, hoping that everyone has better days ahead!

 

I too have battled with anxiety and depression as long as I can remember, my whole life really. This is due to trauma during infancy/toddler years. Well, I finally decided to come on here and say something after listening to Daddy. That song just hit a raw nerve that I have never brought to the surface. I've been breaking down on and off since listening to it, as emotions that I have never let myself deal with, and maybe never realized were there, are coming out.

 

I have been a coldplay fan since I was in middle school, in 2000 when Yellow came out. When the AROBTH album came out I put it in my CD player with my headphones on every night and it put me to sleep. I did this for a whole year, every single night. The songs from that album and Yellow were the first ones that helped me in my moments of anxiety and depression through middle school. These songs were friends that understood how I felt, and were just there for me, if that makes any sense. For this reason Coldplay will always be my favorite band. Through high school and into adulthood, and even currently in my life, these albums have always been there for me. I can remember when each Coldplay album came out, and what I was going through in my life at the time, and how they helped me.

 

There are times I go long periods of time without listening to Coldplay, and then times when I come back to them and listen to the albums exclusively and constantly. Sometimes the albums do make me depressed, but at other times, they help me process and go through the feelings and experiences associated with my past trauma. It is in dealing with these emotions head on that bring me to healing.

 

I am fully aware that listening to this album, and past ones, may and have made me more depressed at times. Like today, I listened to Daddy and was so excited because it was an Oldplay style song that reminded me so much of the Coldplay I grew up with. However, I wasn't expecting it to hit me that hard with the lyrics, and here I am a mess again, depressed... knowing that this may last for a bit.

 

I think part of of it for me is that I know, and am fully aware that Coldplay and their albums can make me feel this way. Many times when I am depressed, Coldplay is what I want to listen to, and it will make my depression worse. However, there isn't anything else that I want to listen to. Other times, when I am depressed it will make the depression easier... it's hard to know, just depends on how I am at that time. Despite this, I really embrace it, because at least for me, I know that there is a light at the end of my depression and it doesn't last forever. And, at the other end, I have found I am one step further in the healing process. I don't know if anyone can relate to what I mean when I say that. But, for the last almost 20 years, I have come to know these songs will help me, and I will be okay.

 

So, that's how I cope. I lean into the feelings I am having, put the songs on repeat, get my journal out and let myself experience whatever I am going through. Then, if I need to I will talk to my therapist, or the people close to me who I can trust to help me though.

 

I am so thankful that Coldplay and their music exists. Honestly, Coldplay (and a lot of therapy) have brought me a long way, and I don't know where I would be without it.

 

Thanks for sharing your story :heart: I can literally relate to everything you say. Coldplay is a friend who is always there for me and perhaps the only "thing" in the world that loves me unconditionally, that's how I see it. AROBTTH and X&Y were my go-to albums for a long time, too. Still are, although they havn't helped that much in recent times, unfortunately. Daddy is definitely a tear-jerker-.

 

Alexis 16, It’s clear you thought a lot about what you wanted to say. I love the last two paragraphs the most! Lean into the feelings will stay with me. It was a very hard day; my sister lost her beloved dachshund and my mom’s two year anniversary in Heaven was today. Thank you!

So sorry, Sue. Sending all my love ! Damn, how the time passes....

 

I saw your post a week ago but I was hesitating on posting a reply because I wanted to be as honest and as intimate as possible.

Now that I have some spare time and I can sit behind the keyboard relaxed, I can share my story with you, infact, all of you.

I'll try to be as short as possible so I won't make anyone of you tired but without skipping any key aspects.

 

So I've been battling with depression for over a decade now. In 2017 it got so bad that I attempted to take my life in a public space and people jumped on, stopped me, the authorities got involved etc. One of my best friends, a year prior to my attempt, booked for both of us tickets for the AHFODT in Munich with the promise that I would travel to Germany to see her and go together. Obviously all that happened before my mental health nose-dived almost a month prior to the show, so when she learned the news she knew I wouldn't make it. During the time of my deteriorating mental health I would listen on repeat the Kaleidoscope Interlude, Talk and Don't Panic in their Instrumental forms, which put me deeper and depper into depression. So after I failed on taking my life I was in a weird limbo state for a week or so. 2 weeks prior to the show, I wake up and I said "OK, now you know how rock bottom feels like, try something else now, just anything, ANYTHING" so I picked up the phone and I told my friend that I'm actually gonna come to Germany and we'll watch the show together. She just couldn't believe it, nor my parents, or my friends.

 

So I travel to Germany and we go to Olympia Stadium. The atmosphere was AMAZING, so warm, everyone in the crowd was so kind and we all felt like a family, I really felt like I was in heaven, like it was after life. The show started with "O mio babbino caro" which put me in a bittersweet mood and it ended with the BELIEVE IN LOVE lyric encore with pyrotechnics which made me reconsider the value of life. It was that moment my head for the first time tilted up! UP! I was looking for the first time up! I was crying after the show in a state of pure happiness, I couldn't put my feelings into words. For the next years I would slowly but increasingly get better. My friend and I would listen to Coldplay day and night and we would spend hours and hours of discussions with their albums playing on the background. Depression would creep in every now and then but it would eventually get better.

 

So this year I made some pretty bold decisions about my life since I would turn 30. I lost 24kg that I gained because of the antidepressants. I started to excercise. I worked ALOT. I fell in love for the first time with myself. It took me 30 years to fall inlove with myself. Everybody would notice the difference in me. But then my friend's health would deteriorate. My life got a little bit messed up at a point and it resulted me being too busy taking care of my life than contacting and taking care of her. So when I heard the news that Coldplay is going to drop a new single I was planning to get back to her and surprising her with it.

 

Unfortunately, it was not meant to be. My friend passed away the day that Orphans got released before I was able to speak to her. I was broken. It felt like my spirit and all the work I did the last 2 years has been demolished like a sand castle in a blink of an eye. The moment I heard the news I rushed to a common friend's house becauseonly he could understand my loss. In order to reach his house I had to use our Metro (subway) which regularly as most greek people around here know plays classical and orchestal music on the stations. So I get to the station and suddently "O mio babbino caro" starts to play. I closed my eyes, I started crying and I started praying "please make me open my eyes and be at the Coldplay concert, make this all be a nightmare, please I'd cut my hand off for this to be just a nightmare". Then the train came and I had to contain myself from the disappointment. Then I got the album and I felt numb, unable to feel, negative or possitive. I would constantly think what would my friend think ofthis and that track. Then it hit me! Music has power, but we are the ones that gives it a face and identity. I am the one that decided that the Instrumental versions of Kaleidoscope, Talk and Don't Panic depress me and chosen these versions instead of the hopefull lyrical messages their vocals versions have. I chose negativity instead of positivity. Maybe I can chose that about the new album too? Or maybe I could even choose happiness?! And then the words of Charlie Chaplin's speech from the Dictator movie included in the intro of the tour version of A Head Full Of Dreams hit me:

 

"You, the people have the power - the power to create machines. The power to create happiness! You, the people, have the power to make this life free and beautiful, to make this life a wonderful adventure."

 

I will leave you with this my friend @I ran away !

 

Oh fuck, reading this I really hold back tears. I had NO idea what you have gone through, and what a terrible twist of fate to lose your best friend while only being on the road to recovery yourself...:sob:

I was at Coldplay Munich too ! I wish I could have met you there.

Please, don't ever give in. Even if everything that happens seems to be genuinely horrible like in your case. Please.

I don't know what to say really.

 

 

Well you know I'm not the sentimental type but since I've dealt with this shit for so long myself all I can say is never think of yourself as a lonesome individual with no friends or people/communities who count on your existence (this place included and I want to press how much we all care about you) . Seeking professional help is a must and the better experts out there will recommend medication along with CBT. The music you listen to also matters a lot just like all the other things you get up to on a daily basis.

 

As for the album, I have a LOT to say about it. It's possibly the greatest step forward for Coldplay and I'm a bit lost for words right now but I'm sure we're gonna have a ton of fun discussing it you and I ;)

You're one of the most oldplayish Oldplayers and not sentimental ? How ? :D

It was physical, it got really bad the last year to the point we had to rush her to the ER and the doctors essentialy told me that she's dieing and I must be prepared but my brain rejected the thought. I'm so mad at myself right now. I have guilt.

 

Please don't feel guilty, none of this is your fault my friend.

mental health should be addressed more in society. it's disgraceful the way some people think that it doesn't exist.

 

i love you all.

Thank you ! And that last paragraph, SAY IT LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK !

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@Captain Crieff can you perhaps remove the "SPoilers inside" from the thread title ? Was from before EL was out. Thanks !

Sure - done!

(I think that as the thread starter you can also edit the title if you edit the first post but I'm not 100% sure) ((yes we've only been using this forum software for like 4 years I know))

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I hope everyone is feeling better and a little bit uplifted by the new album. Holidays are hard. If you need to talk to someone, we are here for you. Don’t forget there are plenty of hotlines open if you are just lonely or in crisis. Stay safe. Be well.

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