Coldplaying Roadie #43 - Blog #2 (the nasty hangover)

Check out a brand new alternative Coldplaying LP5 blog entry: #43 and the nasty hangover

Discuss this blog entry in the Coldplay forum here onwards [thanks Corkus]

“Trying is the first step towards failure.”

I thought I would start this blog entry off with a wise proverb. After all, I give and give and give to this fandom, and what do I get in return? Thankless requests from unappreciative punks. “Show us new song titles, #43!” “#43 post naked pictures of yourself and the band!” Note that I’m currently on stalker alert, especially seeing as how some of you have actually located The Beehive. I told Chris and the others that we should have moved underground. I really did. But no, they would not listen. Likewise, I have decided to stop trying altogether.

Now, I realize that some of you were highly offended by my last entry. Admittedly, I was pretty dang drunk that night, but even if I were only on my fifth bottle of champagne (which I admit to swiping from Guy’s luxurious liquor cabinet), it probably would not have sounded that different. There have also been some ludicrous claims that I secretly hate Coldplay and am only in this for the booze and the drugs. While the latter may be true, know that I do love Coldplay for bringing me the latter. Hell, I love Coldplay so much that I purposely sabotaged U2’s upcoming tour by breaking Bono’s back just so Coldplay could remain the biggest band in the world. If you disagree with the fact that Coldplay is so almighty and flawless, you are clearly not a true fan and thus should not be on this website in the first place.

Many of you are continually pestering me and The Oracle about the releases of such songs as Famous Old Painters, Christmas Lights, and Wedding Bells. Let me tell you that because you numskulls cannot get over the fact that these songs are DEAD, GONE, SCRAPPED, KABOOM, The Oracle is currently locked up in an institution (her replacement – The Sage – will be answering questions in the meantime). You have heard about the Will Champion Seal of Disapproval, correct? Did you know that the Seal of Disapproval is actually the head of a seal that Will clubbed and clobbered simply by staring at it? And whenever he hears a song he doesn’t like, he pulls out the head and refuses to put it away until Chris agrees to leave it off the album? It really reeks, and as you know, Chris has to keep every room smelling like dainty apple blossoms.

How’s the progress in the studio, you ask? Well, Chris’s bodily fluids finally digested the planets that he ate from the solar system project, and now Brian Eno and the others have been recording the yelps of pain Chris has been making in the bathroom as a spectacular new audio effect that will give the band’s upcoming album a real bowel-clenching atmosphere (you will be amazed by the falsetto of those yelps). Guy Berryman is still happily accepting your old photographs. Nobody knows what evil purposes he has in store for them, but I assume he plans on brewing them into the ultimate love potion. I told him that was a stupid idea, given how he has enough Berrygirls as it is and that he should share the fangirls with the rest of us, but he clearly isn’t yet satisfied. What a monster.

Several of you have been curious about what other music I’ve been listening to besides Coldplay. Well, I’d recommend that you all pre-order Arcade Fire’s new album, The Suburbs, but that would be precious money that would be better spent re-buying all of Coldplay’s albums to make me even richer. I’ve also been listening to Together by The New Pornographers, although I was initially interested in such a band because I thought it was a collection of Chris and Jonny’s most intimate moments. Phil also recommended me the new Katy Perry single, but I told him he was gay for listening to it. This sent Phil on a gay little speech about how using the word “gay” as an insult is politically incorrect. It was really gay.

Roadie #43 will also be happily accepting any questions you may have about the band, the roadies, the studio material, or how to get lucky with any of us. If I deem your question non-stupid enough, I may answer it in a future blog. Hasta la vista, jerks!

R#43