Check out a brand new alternative Coldplaying LP5 blog entry: #43 has a swig of Viva La Vodka
Discuss this blog entry in the Coldplay forum here onwards [thanks Corkus]
Long time, crud buckets! It may not be British Independence that is being celebrated today, but that doesn’t mean I can’t use this as an excuse to get hammered, right? A lot has happened since I went on my last binging spree and decided to interview Chris. Oddly enough, I ran into Chris in The Beehive a few days later, and the fellow doesn’t recall ever being interviewed. I can only assume that he was as delirious as I was. Anyway, I felt I would give you folks an update of what has been going on in the studio before I get too smashed...
My sworn nemesis – Miller #42 – seems to have blogged while I was gone. As sworn defender of the truth, however, it is my duty to clarify a few things that he wrote. First of all, #42 wrote about his mornings in the studio with his desk and coffee. Did you read that correctly? He actually gets a desk! And he gets free coffee! Why is it that I have to actually walk across the street and pay for my coffee? #42 also dug into the experimental stages of Coldplay’s upcoming fifth record, which sounds “like it’s arriving from another planet”. I don’t know about you folks, but I completely believe in alien conspiracies, especially when I’m drunk. I fact, I believe I have stumbled upon a sickening truth. Are you ready for it?
That’s right. Will Champion is actually an extraterrestrial.
How could nobody have seen the signs before? It was so painstakingly obvious. His egg-shaped head that resembles an alien egg. His stare of death that can kill kittens. His unworldly ability to show disapproval of new songs and make Chris cower in fear because of it. I will be probing this development in the coming months with the help of my know-it-all alien investigation team, consisting of former X-Files actors and the members of Muse. Rumor has it that Will is scientifically brewing an alien formula for immortality, but like Guy’s love potion and Chris’s hair tonic, it’s merely in its premature stages.
But I know most of you are far more interested in the new songs. Some of you have intelligently deciphered #42’s song title hints – “Moments” and “Up”. Rest assured that – like with Viva’s demos – these are just two of possibly a hundred potential song names that may or may not be used. I can confirm that “Moments” is a special song that Chris has dedicated to Jonny Buckland. Sure, both men may be happily married now, but every now and then the two will have “moments” when one will accidentally stumble upon the other in the shower. (Chris claims he never looks, but shower security tapes say differently. For the record, rumor has it those are Jonny’s security tapes.) “Up”, meanwhile, is yet another song about how Chris’s feet won’t touch the ground. Of course, Jonny is the only one of us who actually knows what Chris’s feet look like, and he says Chris walks on air, so we believe his lyrics.
How are Guy Berryman and Phil Harvey doing, you ask? Well, Guy still needs your old photographs, so keep submitting them! I believe he is still holding out for the one photo that looks like a 70-year-old version of himself. That way he can create a convincing fake ID out of it and use it for senior benefits. As for Phil, he can’t wait for Guy to actually turn 70 so that he can become the most handsome member of Coldplay. (Phil remains convinced that he is invulnerable to aging.) In the meantime, it’s back into the “studio” for me, which is really just a fancy way of saying that I need to head back to the liquor store. And to all you Americans, have fun celebrating! I’ll be drinking with you in spirit!