Satirical blog article looking at a chance meeting with Coldplay...
The trendy hotel I stayed in at the weekend happened to belong to a trendy recording studio, and I'd heard that its private bar was likely to be full of trendy rockstars on their lunchbreaks.
You can imagine my disappointment, then, when the bloke from Coldplay walked in.
Never mind, at least he's a celebrity, and fortunately I've had a fool-proof plan prepared for quite some time now, in case I ever had the opportunity to befriend a famous musician.
Step 1
Use natural conversation-starter — ask for a light, for example, or roll eyes and say, "Urrfgh, wedgie!" whilst pulling knickers back out of bum at bar.
Step 2
Pretend not to have recognised him at all — talk about self at length then casually ask, "So, what do you do?"
Step 3
Let him avoid question and tell you about his very dull record collection instead. He'll enjoy the freedom of conversing with someone who isn't a gold-digger — for a change!
Step 4
Name-drop some of his band's painstakingly obvious influences — he'll think "finger is on pulse" and artistic tastes are similar to his. (You could even name-drop his own band here if you think you can pull it off).
Step 5
Feign embarrassment when he eventually admits to being famous musician — excuse ignorance by exclaiming, "God, I'm so sorry! I haven't got my glasses on!"
Step 6
Praise shockingly bad 5th track on his last album that nobody liked — don't gush; he'll see through it. Just say you thought it was "a real grower".
Step 7
Go on to design his band's next album cover and be the official photographer on their upcoming world tour.
Unfortunately, I'd just about got to Step 5 with the Coldplay bloke when I realised I really hadn't got my glasses on and he actually was a carpenter from Birkenhead like he'd been saying he was, after all.
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