---Note: The following is satire and may not necessarily reflect the values, actions, or attitudes of EMI or Coldplay. Any connections to real-life events or people is purely non-coincidental and should be used soley for entertainment purposes.--- [thanks Anonymous!]
From: EMI Corporate Headquarters
Subject: EMI Fiscal Status and Coldplay
Ok boys, I'm sure you've heard the news of our financial situation. The blunt truth of the matter is that the success or failure of our record label rests squarely on your shoulders.
No pressure here. Just relax and take it easy. As long as you sell at least 500,000 units in the first week of sales and go platinum by the end of the month, you get to keep your jobs and collect the money reaped from your last three years of work in the studio. Otherwise, EMI goes belly up, and all the proceeds from the album will go towards appeasing our debtors.
And since we're on the topic of guessing at projected record sales, please make every effort to make certain that no portion of your upcoming album is leaked before the release date. I've heard that for every track that is leaked and hits the Internet, you lose 100,000 unit sales. You can do the math. I'll make this very clear. If any member of Coldplay leaks any song before the release date, it will be considered a breach of contract. They will be terminated from their contract immediately with no compensation.
Now, I do realize that you are in the very final stages of completing your album. And I also realize that you consider yourselves to be rather perfectionistic, your own toughest critics, et cetera, and that you've scrapped dozens of songs and held off on releasing the album up to this point. However, I'd ask that you take one final look at your album and make sure that there are no songs on there that could be perceived as offensive, boring, jaded, naive, or experimental. If there any songs on the new album that wouldn't make the Top 20 Billboard as a single, then I don't want to hear it on there. Let's not make any mistakes like last time, no more tracks like "A Whisper" or "Parachutes". If you want to try something weird or "artsy", save it for a B-Side sometime on one of your twelve upcoming radio singles.
So, take one final look at your album and make sure everything is up to par. Don't make any rash or hasty decisions. No use acting like we're living on borrowed time and blaming your failures on impulsive rushes of blood. It'd be better if there were no failures at all. Failures cost too much money. So, take a month... no... take two months and just make sure all the pieces are in place. If you need to write and record any new tracks, now is the time to do so.
I'm sure you'll do the right thing for both the future of EMI and Coldplay.
Thanks and good luck,