If you want a tongue-in-cheek preview of this Wednesday's Brit Awards 2007, then look no further than this article.
I think someone has got it in for me. I really do. Firstly, I hate the Brit Awards. It gives prizes to people from Coldplay and Keane. Secondly, this year, the ceremony will be presented by Russell Brand.
I really dislike Russell Brand. You really don't see enough of him on telly do you? However, there are people I hate more than Mr Brand. That's Fern Cotton. Guess what? She's presenting too. If I'm daft enough to watch this godforsaken show (shown live for the first time in it's 18 years on ITV1, 8pm, Wednesday) I'll probably be faced with Richard Hammond and Justin Lee Collins as well.
It's enough to make me puke.
As it's broadcast live, I imagine there will be a few racy comments. I imagine one of Snow Patrol might say "bugger" on stage and then give a look of petulant defiance. The show will be the usual backslapping mixed with live performances from bands who are British... and bands that are really not Brit at all. Alongside toe-curling links and fawning, we'll get to see The Scissor Sisters, The Killers, Corinne Bailey Rae, Take That, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Snow Patrol and Amy Winehouse. Laughably, Oasis have been honoured with a 'lifetime acheivement award', and so, they'll be playing live.
I imagine that Liam et al will swear a fair bit and shout their way through some big hit or other. He'll say 'fuck' and Russell Brand will probably make some glib comment about it. It'll probably sound like this: "Perchance, mine nutsack doth positively quiver at the thought of yon Gallagher of Mancunia swearing in the presence of my gleaming member... Hare Krisha Hare Krishna..."
The coverage will be on for a whopping two hours. I've no idea how they're going to pad that out. Maybe you can press red during the show to cut to the backstage area to see some no-mark singer snorting coke from the thigh of a former Big Brother contestant. Or maybe you can go multiscreen and choose which cubical you'd like to look in in the unisex toilets as Liam Gallagher yells 'mad fer it' at his own phallus whilst Amy Winehouse totters around in the background asking people for spare change. You'd be mad to watch it... but you may well like some of the bands so knock yourself out if you do. If anyone is thinking of throwing some bird-flu ridden Turkeys on Wednesday, I believe you can still get them in Hungary.
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