[Tampa Preview] Let's Hope You're Not Standing Next To This Guy

It's one of those bands the media is supposed to praise. Coldplay issues melodic songs. The lyrics are serious. And, by golly, front man Chris Martin dates Oscar-winning actress Gwyneth Paltrow.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But Coldplay, which returns to Tampa after Martin wussed out at the last minute with a sore throat several months ago, just doesn't move me. There is nothing sexy, scary or dangerous about their music or stage show.

And what is rock 'n' roll without a little of that?In other words, the group has no mojo. Martin sounds bored when he sings. So how is he going to excite me, the listener?

Coldplay reminds me of a weak knock-off U2, a Grammy-gorged group I feel has been phoning in their performances since "Achtung Baby." Or ever since Bono let his Christ-complex get the best of him. But that's another screed I'll save for another day and another deadline.

Coldplay is also clearly indebted to fellow Brit-rockers Radiohead.

Radiohead was terrific before Thom Yorke let all the critical capital go to his head following the release of the outstanding "OK Computer." Ever since then he's gotten experimental and refused to write killer, off-kilter, pitiful, paranoid tracks like "Creep," "Fake Plastic Trees," "Airbag" and "Karma Police."

It appears Yorke stopped letting it all hang out for the sake of the song. It is understandable, though. At least he did dig deep on a couple of records before retreating to safer ground. Coldplay copied the Radiohead template but missed the crazed core that made their mentor group special.

Coldplay, especially lead singer Martin, remains far removed from the flame. He's probably never even singed his hand. Or hung around people who burn, burn, burn.

For someone who cherishes albums such as "Highway 61 Revisited," "Exile on Mainstreet," "Led Zeppelin II," "Back in Black" and "Allman Brothers Live at Fillmore East," Coldplay's success is frustrating.

Coldplay doesn't have a manic bone in its musical makeup. So how can it rumble the hips of anyone in love with the lewd, crude, loud and beautiful fury of "the devil's music?"

In fact, I'll take opening act Fiona Apple over headliner Coldplay. I hope she blows those guys back into their dressing room - and leaves them clutching their bottled waters, afraid and ashamed to go on stage.

Apple is crazier than a hopped-up loon. But the woman is talented, too, which doesn't hurt. Have you heard her latest record, "Extraordinary Machine?" How can you not be drawn to a woman who unleashes lines like "Wait 'till I get him back/He won't have a back to scratch."

That's rock 'n' roll.

Coldplay's Martin could never write lines like that, let alone feel such a statement, put it across to an audience and make them revel in the shared sentiment.

That's a lot for a man or woman to offer. That's why you've got to love a gal like Apple for dancing barefoot on the edge. I don't think Martin and his band mates want to go that far, or get their fans off in that kind of way.

And that's so NOT rock 'n' roll.

Coldplay with special guest Fiona Apple, 8 p.m. Sunday, Ford Amphitheatre at the Florida State Fairgrounds, 4802 U.S. 301 N., Tampa. Tickets: Sold out. For more information call (813) 287-8844 or go to www.ticketmaster.com, www.cellardoor.com; 813-740-2446 or www.fordamp.com.

Source: bradenton.com