LadyofPress

Coldplay, Accept My Bribe. Dear Coldplay (just kidding, what makes me think they will actually read this?), This is my attempt at bribing a group of four fabulous Brits–you. Please read this proposal in its entirety, I assure you it is in your interest as well. Here I go. This is no Pulitzer winner material, shed some mercy on me. I’m a 21 year-old aspiring at something, don’t know what yet, with an adequate, none-obsessive, love for you– Coldplay. You Brits captured my heart in a 2003 MTV promo shot at the Hollywood Bowl. I still remember. Me, a newcomer to America, starting to learn some English. My parents insisted I watch television, they argue it would help me learn the language. And there I was, switching between the sea of strangely speaking people, when suddenly I was hypnotized by a group of guys that played instruments– instruments which included a piano!– and were not dancing in perfect unison. I went to my room, took out my Backstreet Boys’ collection, shoved it in the “I’ll never admit I used to listen to that Music” box and never heard it again (well, I don’t know how it got into my Ipod, so some times when I shuffle, a song or two come up, but I swear that’s it). I spent a week trying to catch the 30-second commercial so that I could attempt to write the lyrics and thus have a hint as to who those guys were. But let’s face it– my parents were right, I needed to learn some English. After weeks of agonizing heartbreak, a friend of mine inserted a CD with handwritten Sharpie album artwork (yes, she probably got the tracks off of Limewire) titled “Alternative Rock”. You guessed it, the first track was “The Scientist” by COLDPLAY. My heart was pumping with joy, and as I butchered every single word of that song I realized two things: 1. I probably needed some practice with my pronunciation and 2. Why lie? I needed lots of practice with my pronunciation. But there it was, at 13 years old, my first eargasm. I was bullied– not really, I’m just saying this for dramatic emphasis– on numerous occasions for openly admitting my love for you (this of course before the release of “Viva La Vida”, when, let’s face it, it still was very sensitively uncool to listen to CP). In my high school years, I would vandalize my school’s whiteboards with Coldplay lyrics in hopes of enlightening my peers. In 2006 I threw a tantrum and threatened to go on a hunger strike (mainly consisting of no chocolate, though I didn’t specify at the time) if my parents didn’t grant me an early birthday present of CP concert tickets. One of my brothers drove me some 250 miles. I changed clothes in the car, panicked a little at red lights because I thought I was going to miss the opening song, slept in a cheap and smelly hotel, and had an unforgettable night. In 2008 I successfully repeated the stunt. You guys have had something to do with my many attempts to save the world. I can give you some credit for inspiring me to educate myself on global issues, even if it meant having to explain to my mother what “Fair Trade” was, and that she had nothing to worry about… I wasn’t going to get it tattooed on my hand– “It’s just marker!”. When my grandparents died I blasted the speakers to “Fix You” probably for a whole week. I stopped for fear of scratching the CD. Though after all this years I still don’t own “Parachutes”, I probably have listened to your music an incalculable amount of hours. My pronunciation has improved lots, and now I not only can sing along, I can also understand your lyrics. Unfortunately, I am tone-deaf, so yes– I still manege to butcher your songs. You can probably ask any of my friends and they’ll tell you that I plan on losing my virginity with one of your songs playing the background. I’m not a shame to say it– you know, the “I still have my V-card at 21″ part. I believe it was Chris– or at least Wikipedia claims so– that said: “Coldplay is for people with great taste, intelligence, incredible good lookingness, talent, ability, success, grabbing of life. Coldplay’s for people who know what life’s about. They’re always entertaining. Delightful to talk to. Sweet, charming, incredibly good in bed. Virile. They have incredible success with girls, or boys, or both. They’re generally just the world’s best citizens. Maybe I’m biased, but I’m definitely right.” Well, Chris you were right. I am the embodiment of your statement. There could not be a more perfect definition of me. Thanks for the compliments. For all that you’ve done for me, I have one more thing to ask– I need a pair of tickets for your June 29 Miami concert. Is it much to ask? Probably not. America has an African-American president, Aung San Suu Kyi is a free woman, Kate Middleton married Prince William, “Rolling In The Deep” is played at least twice every day by more than 5 radio stations, and the sun is looking mighty shiny. You see, there are other countless things– far more important– with a greater possibility of impossibility to achieve. Pardon my bias, but I think it simple. You– Chris, Guy, Will, Jonny– talk to who ever is in charge and just get me a pair of tickets for your show. Now, don’t take me for a selfish, ungrateful fan. In return for your kind, generous and precious gift, I vow to put at your disposal two magnificent services, so that you may come to enjoy the Miami sunshine and lifestyle. 1. Private Chef services. Two of my brothers are excellent chefs. They have worked for the best and with the best. These boys will not fail to deliver a finger licking meal. 2. Mustang Convertibles. My other brother, the one that doesn’t cook, owns a car-rental with some beautiful and fast Mustang convertibles. Wouldn’t you guys like to experience the Miami sunshine on one of those babies? Yes, I’m trying to bribe you. We live in a world of possible impossibles. Just get me a fucking pair of tickets. Fine, just one. Coldplay, I dare you. Accept my bribe. Please&Thank you. – Lady of Press You peeps out there, feel free to get this trending. #ColdplayAcceptTheBribe http://www.ladyofpress.wordpress.com