Five common criticisms of Coldplay (and why they’re wrong)

Well, the people have spoken. According to the listeners of BBC 6Music, the best song from the past decade is Clocks, writes What Culture, in a great article on how the world has come to love (or hate) Coldplay. Discuss this article at the messageboard now. Read on for the rest of the article...

I couldn’t be happier with this (Clocks) outcome. Every generation appears to have a band that it’s not “OK” to like. Said band then becomes the butt of every single lazy criticism that can possibly be made of music; their very name a synonym for blandness itself. Criticisms of such bands become so commonplace that those who hurl the insults ironically become infinitely more boring and tedious than the music they so gleefully attack.

As a huge Coldplay fan whose defence of the band could often be described as “militant”, it’s lovely to have some validation for a change. It’s great to feel, for once, that just because I like Coldplay it doesn’t make me any less of a person.

Because you’re wrong, you know. Not to hate Coldplay. Oh no, you’re perfectly entitled to your opinion. Nobody’s forcing you to listen to them. Ever. But when it comes to your inchoate, narrow minded, unimaginative and hackneyed explanation of just why it’s wrong to like Coldplay, you honestly could not be more mistaken.

In the wake of this sudden confirmation that it’s actually fine to like Coldplay, let’s take a look at five of the most common criticisms of the band and examine, in turn, why each offers a deeply flawed argument.

5. All Of Their Songs Are Slow And Miserable

I can sort of understand the reasoning behind this one. People hear songs like Trouble, The Scientist and Fix You; shudder; and assume that all of their songs must be cut from the same cloth.

I know it’s hopelessly naive of me to assume that any ardent Coldplay hater will even bother to listen to any of the following; but their back catalogue is loaded with such infective nuggets of incandescent joy as Shiver, Hurts Like Heaven, Every Teardrop Is A Waterfall, Lovers In Japan, Strawberry Swing, Speed of Sound and Glass of Water (below). It’s therefore easy for me to conclude that anyone who makes this argument in earnest either hasn’t heard much Coldplay, or they have no grasp of such concepts as tempo and key.

I appreciate it’s hard for some to understand that anybody could ever get anything even approaching enjoyment from listening to Coldplay, but trust me. Some of their songs are powerful enough to inspire an almost overwhelming sense of euphoria. Live, they’re even more potent – even magical.

A less developed cousin of this criticism is that all of Coldplay’s songs “sound the same”, with no further discussion of just how this might be at all possible. It’s surprising how often I hear this argument, but when I do I know that I’m safe; as I’m apparently in the company of someone who was born without ears.

4. Their Lyrics Are Terrible

Of all the tired criticisms levied at Coldplay, this is the closest anyone ever comes to having a point. I’ll be the first to admit that Chris Martin’s lyrics often leave a lot to be desired. But that’s not to say that they’re terrible or completely without merit. Christmas Lights (below), for example, is touching, poignant and evocative; whilst Charlie Brown deftly captures the sense of lost innocence through spinning a classic coming of age narrative.

But even at their worst, Coldplay lyrics can be so all-encompassing as to offer comfort to anyone who needs it. Often, their very vagueness is what makes them so remarkable. Songs like In My Place could be about anything, and that’s the whole point. Such lyrics as “I was scared/Tired and under-prepared”, delivered with such humane weariness, could console anyone – whether they’re wary of an exam, a job interview, the results of a medical test or a reconciliation in the wake of an argument. Through being about nothing, their songs could be about everything. Because their lyrics are so open, everyone is free to attach their own spins, interpretations or significance to Coldplay songs. That’s partly why they’re so popular.

But perhaps you feel that this is a function that music simply shouldn’t fulfil. Fair enough. But know that, if you attack Coldplay solely on lyrical grounds, you’re creating a strict set of standards with which all music you listen to must abide. When they’re good, song lyrics can be so powerful they’re mesmerising. But are they really that important? Unless you’re listening to rap or a certain strain of literate singer-songwriter, to what extent are you taking in lyrics anyway?

Lyrics are important, but they’re seldom the be-all and end-all of music; and it’s hardly ever the case that you can cite them as the sole reason for disliking a song or band. It was Jarvis Cocker who pointed out that Louie Louie by The Kingsmen – a song that’s about as close as song’s get to being universally liked – is essentially composed of gibberish. Does that make it any less of an engaging and energising anthem?

So by all means attack Coldplay on lyrical grounds. But in doing so, make sure that you judge absolutely everyone else by the same standards. Otherwise you’ll come across as a hypocrite. And you’re not a hypocrite, are you?

3. They’re Too Derivative

Some say that any given Coldplay song owes too much of a debt to an existing song to be worthy of being judged on its own merits. They refer to Joe Satriani’s assertion that Viva La Vida included “substantial original portions” of one of his own compositions, omitting the fact that this matter has since been dismissed out of court. Or perhaps they’ll shriek about how Talk (below) “ripped off” the riff from Kraftwerk’s Computer Love – conveniently forgetting that full permission was granted for the riff’s inclusion.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W0uqLM1uj_k

Essentially, to make this point is to fundamentally ignore how music works. There’s only a limited number of notes, chords and instruments out there, you know. Yet every day millions of musicians worldwide are endlessly hammering away at their own songs. It’s inevitable that, sooner or later, a band will stumble upon a chord progression or a compositional element by that’s been used before.

Whether it happens by design or accident, it’s going to happen. The important thing is that a band takes this familiar element and, rather than using it as a crutch, uses it as a foundation to create something new. If a song succeeds in reaching out to someone, then it doesn’t matter at all to what extent its composition is unique. And Coldplay’s songs do reach out to people. Millions of them. They must, therefore, be doing something right.

So by all means think of Coldplay as a bunch of derivative charlatans with nary an original idea between them. Just remember, though, that the work of such “cool” and “acceptable” musicians as Radiohead, Nick Cave and Bob Dylan has also been singled out as containing certain elements that have been previously deployed. But it doesn’t make them any less worthy of the praise they receive. All musicians are drawing water from the same well, and in every instance they’ve used the familiar elements in their songs as a springboard for exploring their own ideas. Coldplay are no different.

If you want to attack them on these grounds, far be it from me to stop you. But, like with the aforementioned lyrical argument, in doing so you’re creating a set of conditions for yourself in which the only acceptable music is that which is totally and utterly unprecedented. And because that’s absolutely not how music works, you may as well stop listening entirely if you truly see this as a problem.

2. Chris Martin Is A Plonker

They don’t use the word “plonker”. They use something a lot stronger and a lot more offensive, but What Culture frown upon expletives. Plonker will therefore have to do.

Yes, of all the criticism levied at Coldplay, I have the greatest difficulty in understanding this one. Usually, I can at least see where people are coming from, but in this instance I’m left dumbfounded. I cannot even begin to grasp in what universe Chris Martin could possibly be considered to be anything less than genuine.

Some might attack his involvement with charities such as Oxfam. Apparently, in using his fame to draw attention to political issues, Chris Martin is nothing more than a sanctimonious hypocrite. I can guarantee, though, that the sort of people who make this argument are exactly the sort of people who’d also argue that the charts are vacuous; that nobody has anything of any substance to say.

If you read any interview at all, Chris Martin (below) never comes across as anything other than humble, sensitive, down-to-earth and human. Go and see Coldplay live and marvel as he makes a point of trying to make every single one of the thousands upon thousands of people in the arena or stadium feel welcome and included. The impression’s always given that he’s genuinely pleased that so many people took the trouble to come out and see his band. It’s always seemed to me that he’s felt somehow unworthy of such attention and adoration – and what, really, could be more human?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0RuhO2aZKjQ

In any case, even if you’re convinced that Chris Martin is actually a terrible, terrible man, so what? If you limited yourself to listening to bands whose singers didn’t raise the hackles from time to time, you’d have no choice but to perform a mass cull on your entire music collection.

1. They Make Bland And Insipid Music For People Who Don’t Like Music

Sometimes it just seems like too much of an effort to even attempt to back up your assertions with fact or opinion. So when feeling particularly lazy or unimaginative, those who hate Coldplay will attack their fans. “Music for bedwetters” is a popular line, but more often than not it will be declared that Coldplay make bland, uninspiring and insipid music for those who don’t like music. The implication being, of course, that the person making this claim is a person of vastly superior taste. To like Coldplay is beneath them. After all, how could anyone possibly choose to listen to Coldplay?

Don’t do this. Don’t ever do this. It’s fine to dislike Coldplay, OK? Happily, we don’t live in a society in which you’re restricted from forming and holding your own opinions. I used to be the sort of person who said things like “If you don’t like them, don’t listen to them.” This is sage advice for anyone, as what’s the point in dwelling upon or defining yourself by what you don’t like when there’s so much good music out there? But of course you’re free to criticise. It’s perfectly acceptable to say “I just don’t like them” or “I just find them boring”. I’d be happy to leave it at that. I would. Really.

But all too often, people can’t simply leave it at that. It’s not enough for them to accept that some people like things that they don’t. No. Some seem to believe that to like Coldplay is a mark of an inferior mind – or even an inferior person.

I can promise you that this is not the case. To like Coldplay is not a sign of weakness. Who are you to assess the validity of a person’s love for music? Since when have you been in charge of who we should and shouldn’t listen to? In what universe is your taste in music to be treated as the standard by which all else must be judged?

The universe in your head, clearly. But speaking of headspaces, you have no idea what goes on in a person’s mind when they hear a song they like. You have no way at all to comment upon how any given song makes any given person feel. What bores you rigid or makes you smirk at the inferior tastes of the masses might well be the one thing that makes a person’s life worth living.

You just don’t know, so bear this in mind: If you don’t like them, you don’t have to listen to them. But if you must criticise, say the worst things imaginable about the band, but leave. The fans. Alone. It applies to all bands, not just Coldplay. Everyone is much more than the sum of their interests, and if you’d dare deny anyone the feelings they feel when they listen to music, well. There’s a word for people like you. I can’t type it out here, but just think of the word you might use to describe Chris Martin and apply it to yourself.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7MpU7kwGIOw

Latest photos: of Chris Martin and Jonny Buckland with Coldplayer yellow***star at the Bakery, London (uploaded 3rd February 2013):