Jump to content
✨ STAY UP TO DATE WITH THE WORLD TOUR ✨

The Matrix is real


Guest DavidG

Recommended Posts

Scots boffins claimed today to have built a matrix for a worm colony. Echoing the plot of the hit movie The Matrix, each worm is constantly sedated and receives electrical stimuli to the brain, which makes it think it is burrowing or feeding or "doing normal worm stuff".

 

"We located the parts of the worm brain which deal with pleasure and recreation," said team leader Jackie Porter. "By manipulating their neural networks, each worm thinks it is free and burrowing around in the soil". Unlike the evil overlords in the Keanu Reeves film, Porter and his team have no plans to use the worm colony as an energy source.

 

Said Porter, "We don't believe the worms are actively looking for a special worm who is "the One", but I guess you never know. We've painted a few of them black and put tiny sunglasses on them, but really that's just for a laugh."

 

The science team, based at Glasgow University, receive central funding of £1M a year and are said to be at the cutting edge of "blue sky" research in neural networks and genetic codeware. Church leaders and animal rights groups have united to condemn the experiments. Cardinal Keith O' Brien described the worm matrix as an offence to morality, while Del Tavender of Animal Aware called on the government to stop funding such work, citing fears for future applications of the technology. He told wreckered, "The world is under threat from maverick science. Today the worm - tomorrow the unemployed."

 

Porter dismissed the criticisms. "We have no plans for world domination. And there is nothing in the Bible about building a matrix-style alternative reality for worms. Even if there was, it'd be a bit rich for the religious to get huffy, given that they're forever banging on about how things will be better when we are dead." Colleague Sandy Jones agreed. "My sister used to go out with a philosopher - so don't even start me on all that."

 

Porter is no stranger to controversy, having last year produced a GM monkey that could weave webs like a spider. The horror monkey died in Porter's laboratory after escaping from its cage and attacking an octopus which knew judo.

 

matrix_2.jpg

 

matrix.jpg

Link to comment
Share on other sites

OMG :lol: its supposed to be comedy! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

Porter is no stranger to controversy, having last year produced a GM monkey that could weave webs like a spider. The horror monkey died in Porter's laboratory after escaping from its cage and attacking an octopus which knew judo.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now


×
×
  • Create New...