Check out a brand new alternative Coldplaying LP5 blog entry: How #43 Got His Booze Back
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Guess who’s back? Yes, ungrateful peasants, I have returned. I suppose I owe all of you an explanation for my lengthy absence. After all, explaining myself would make me a better roadie than #42, who irresponsibly took the summer off without warning his most loyal fans. First of all, I hope you are enjoying the Digital Transmissions section of Coldplay.com.
Personally, I was so enamored by the concept that I felt like treating Coldplay’s fans to exclusive behind-the-scenes footage of last year’s Wembley shows (Has it really been a year? Or have I just been drinking too much to remember anything?) involving Chris and Jonny giving each other manicures backstage. Of course, such footage was so incredibly awesome that it crashed Coldplay.com and caused various glitches to appear across the site, and Digital Transmissions has run sluggishly ever since (tech management tells me it’s because my file was too large, but I know they’re lying scum buckets). As a result, Coldplay.com lost the BT Digital Music Awards.
As punishment, I was temporarily laid off from the Beehive’s staff. This gave Miller the opportunity to rush back from his extended, extended, extended holiday and provide some juicy blog updates about how little the boys have actually accomplished with LP5. In the meantime, I found temporarily labor working for Keane. Oh, the agony! If I wasn’t so completely drunk the whole time, I may have actually learned to like a band other than Coldplay! Granted, #42 has spread a lot of truly nasty rumors in his latest blogs that have fans questioning things beyond their literal interpretation. In his mid-September blog, #42 mentioned “a good healthy dose of tutting and cursing”. Now, I may not know what the hell “tutting” means (I assume it involves dressing up like King Tut when you’re super-wasted, and in that case, I enjoy tutting all the time), but I do enjoy myself some good cursing! He mentioned how making huge music is not like The Flintstones. I am inclined to disagree. Chris is totally Fred Flintstone. Not only is he a stubborn loudmouth, but he enjoys shouting silly catch phrases at inappropriate moments. (Some examples include “Gee willikers, Will!” and “Heeeeere’s Jonny! No really, here’s Jonny!”)
However, most will agree that Blog #122 was a pointless endeavor that only served to inform everyone that the band was still alive and had done diddly squat over the summer. Fortunately, Blog #123 came one week later and included lots of picture goodness to make all my adoring fangirls drool. #42 mentioned how “the plan has been shaken up like a fizzy drink can”. And as everyone knows, the only proper thing to do in that situation is to drop a Mentos in the can. The boys are obviously very excited about a particular song they have been working on. That said, it is apparent that the boys are also very excited about the other 200 song ideas they have come up with, so they have created a song-selecting process that involves putting on a blindfold and throwing darts at a wall with song titles on them. (I suggested adding drinking games to the mix but was quickly shot down by Guy, who is a recovering alcoholic, as we all know.) In the blog, it is also mentioned that Chris’s vocals are heard from behind Phil’s door. I guarantee you that these are not lyrics, nor are they harmonic. Presumably, Phil badly destroyed Chris in an arm-wrestling match, who let out a wail of pain that sounds not unlike an angel being struck by lightning – still angelic, yet filled with despair.
Roadie #42 also said that Chris has been stuffing his notebook full of doodles and lyrics. Personally, doodles and Chris’s lyrics are the same exact damn thing to me. (In fact, I’m pretty sure a stick man drawing has more depth than “Those who are dead are not dead”.) At the end of the blog, he teased the next record by leaving a picture of the journal. I don’t know why #42 would purposely reveal the album artwork like that. Don’t try to convince me that it’s not it. After seeing the latest Weezer album cover, I am willing to believe anything can be album art. Speaking of which, if someone paid me $10 million to break my band up, I’d sure as hell do it! That’s like a lifetime of paid-off booze! Unfortunately, I have no more space to discuss Blog #124, which I will save for next time. I also realize that I haven't cursed this entire blog, which is a fucking shame if you ask me. Likewise, I will leave you with a list of my favorite Coldplay drinking songs:
- Glass of Beer
- Swallowed in the Sea (of Beer)
- A Rush of Beer to the Head
- Viva La Vodka (so overplayed, though)
- Warning Wine
- Wine Shadows
- Tequila Come
- Fix You (a Drink)
- Liquor in Japan / Rum of Love
- A Whiskey
R#43
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