If Bands were Rock Stars Coldplay Would Be...

1) Goldman Sachs = The Rolling Stones

Because it is number 1 and deservingly arrogant.

2) Citigroup = Ozzy Osbourne

because it is growing old disgracefully, just like the prince of darkness, Ozzy.

3) Deutsche Bank = Fleetwood Mac

Immensely profitable? Check. Years of infighting and not communicating with one another? Check. Badly in need of a style makeover? Check. It's Fleetwood Mac.

4) JPMorgan = Radiohead

Too clever and needing another big hit to remain relevant.

5) Barclays Capital = Oasis

Insolent and failing to break into the US Market, just like Oasis.

6) Morgan Stanley = Coldplay

Deadly earnest. Blue-blooded. Well-heeled. Regularly at the top of the charts.

7) Merrill Lynch = Madonna

Peaked in the 1980s and have been irrelevant since the 1990s, notwithstanding umpteen attempts at reinvention.

8) HSBC = any boyband

The true performers earn peanuts, while the management reaps the financial rewards.

9) UBS = Phil Collins

Both rich, both based in Switzerland, and no one with any sense gives a hoot about either.

10) Commerzbank = David Hasselhoff

Big in Germany, and no one understands why.