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    If Bands were Rock Stars Coldplay Would Be...

    1) Goldman Sachs = The Rolling Stones

    Because it is number 1 and deservingly arrogant.


    2) Citigroup = Ozzy Osbourne

    because it is growing old disgracefully, just like the prince of darkness, Ozzy.


    3) Deutsche Bank = Fleetwood Mac

    Immensely profitable? Check. Years of infighting and not communicating with one another? Check. Badly in need of a style makeover? Check. It's Fleetwood Mac.


    4) JPMorgan = Radiohead

    Too clever and needing another big hit to remain relevant.


    5) Barclays Capital = Oasis

    Insolent and failing to break into the US Market, just like Oasis.


    6) Morgan Stanley = Coldplay

    Deadly earnest. Blue-blooded. Well-heeled. Regularly at the top of the charts.


    7) Merrill Lynch = Madonna

    Peaked in the 1980s and have been irrelevant since the 1990s, notwithstanding umpteen attempts at reinvention.


    8) HSBC = any boyband

    The true performers earn peanuts, while the management reaps the financial rewards.


    9) UBS = Phil Collins

    Both rich, both based in Switzerland, and no one with any sense gives a hoot about either.


    10) Commerzbank = David Hasselhoff

    Big in Germany, and no one understands why.

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