Take your cue from the front line of the sex wars by quoting the ultimate taunts

 

Last updated at 22:27pm on 27th June 2007 Comments (1)

Ever been lost for words in the heat of the moment? Well never again. A new book celebrating history's best cutting put downs will equip you for any confrontation. Here, we select some of the best insults to hurl in a blazing row with your other half.

 

 

ON MEN

 

 

I like men to behave like men - strong and childish.

Francoise Sagan

A man is like a phonograph with half a dozen records. You soon get tired of them all; and yet you have to sit at the table whilst he reels them off to every new visitor.

George Bernard Shaw

 

A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished.

Zsa Zsa Gabor

 

The fastest way to a man's heart is through his chest.

Roseanne Barr

 

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Men fantasise about being in bed with two women. Women fantasise about it too because at least they'll have someone to talk to when he falls asleep.

Anon

Men are creatures with two legs and eight hands.

Jayne Mansfield

 

Husbands never become good; they merely become proficient.

H. L. Mencken

 

The majority of husbands remind me of an orang-utan trying to play the violin.

Honore de Balzac

 

A husband is what's left of the lover once the nerve has been extracted.

Helen Rowland

His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.

Mae West

 

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his cheque book open.

Groucho Marx

 

Nancy Astor: "If I were married to you, I'd put poison in your coffee."

Sir Winston Churchill: "Nancy, if you were my wife, I'd drink it."

 

The trouble with Ian is that he gets off with women because he can't get on with them.

Rosamond Lehmann on Ian Fleming

 

The more I see of men, the more I like dogs.

Germaine de Stael

 

Bigamy is having one husband too many. Monogamy is the same.

Anon (Fear of Flying, Erica Jong)

 

Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.

Mae West

 

Women have many faults, men have only two: everything they say, and everything they do.

Anon

 

ON WOMEN

 

 

Women are like elephants to me - I like to look at 'em, but I would not want to own one.

W. C. Fields

 

A woman will flirt with anybody in the world as long as other people are looking on.

Oscar Wilde

Woman would be more charming if one could fall into her arms without falling into her hands.

Ambrose Bierce

 

Women should be obscene and not heard.

Groucho Marx

 

There's nothing so similar to one poodle dog as another poodle dog, and that goes for women too.

Pablo Picasso

 

I hate women because they always know where things are.

James Thurber

 

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily this is not difficult.

Charlotte Whitton

My wife and I tried two or three times in the last 40 years to have breakfast together, but it was so disagreeable we had to stop.

Sir Winston Churchill

 

Never feel remorse for what you have thought about your wife. She has thought much worse things about you.

Jean Rostand

 

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

Groucho Marx

 

Most women are not so young as they are painted.

Max Beerbohm

A woman will always sacrifice herself if you give her the opportunity. It's her favourite form of self-indulgence.

W. Somerset Maugham

Women have a wonderful sense of right and wrong, but little sense of right and left.

Don Herold

On one issue, at least, men and women agree: they both distrust women.

H. L. Mencken

Nature intended women to be our slaves ... they are our property; we are not theirs. They belong to us, just as a tree that bears fruit belongs to a gardener. What a mad idea to demand equality for women! Women are nothing but machines for producing children.

Napoleon Bonaparte

I married beneath me, all women do.

Nancy Astor

A woman drove me to drink, and I never even had the courtesy to thank her.

W. C. Fields

 

• Extracted from The Wicked Wit Of Insults by Maria Leach (Michael O'Mara, £5.99)

:laugh3:....cool thread mark...as always!!

:laugh3:....cool thread mark...as always!!

 

So which one's your favourite?:rolleyes:

 

I remember seeing this in a movie once.

So which one's your favourite?:rolleyes:

 

it's really hard to say it:)!!!!but everytime i read one of your posts....i have fun:DYOU'VE GOT THE POWER!!

it's really hard to say it:)!!!!but everytime i read one of your posts....i have fun:DYOU'VE GOT THE POWER!!

 

Yes - I'm "Snap!"!!:rolleyes:

snapshot:D!!

Hello arsch!! :lol:

Hello arsch!! :lol:

 

:stunned:

? That's Nicko's nickname..:wink2:

? That's Nicko's nickname..:wink2:

 

AND YOURS TOO MY FRIEND:laugh3:!!!!!

Yeah right,assclown.