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Juno Awards: Perverts Run Amok


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Found this little piece penned (typed?) by Aaron Brophy:


Perhaps it was the presence of alpha pin-up Pamela Anderson or the more festive atmosphere of Halifax, but the 2006 Juno Award weekend brought out some of the randiness in the otherwise traditionally sexless Canadian musical community.


All throughout the weekend, musicians' thoughts were veering below the belt. Nickelback's Chad Kroeger and Jully Black, the host of Saturday night's non-televised Juno Awards gala, mustered up some heat when Kroeger proclaimed that he and Black were "gonna make some creamy babies" together.


Still with nether-bits on the mind, Black also scored the line of the evening when dishing out some props about a certain star's more symmetrical, image-retooled haircut. "Shout out to Shawn Desman, he took the vagina off his head!"


Although Black suggested that the adult alternative category sounded like "straight-up porn," eventual winner Neil Young found a suitor elsewhere.


Kathleen Edwards, an adult alternative nominee vanquished by Young, was hoping to get a little rough with the grunge godfather. "I want to give that man a spank on the bum," she said.


That wasn't her only entanglement, though. Buck 65 loudly professing his love for Edwards at the gala awards said perhaps too much. "I'm still recovering [from that]," Edwards said.


"It was nice to meet his wife today, too. I'm sure she appreciated that — when she walks in on us when we're doing it. Yes, it makes it very awkward."


Even the supposedly stiff sorts in the classical music scene were getting in on the act. Fuelled in part by some sly sapphic innuendo courtesy of Sami Jo Small, her teammate at the Juno Cup celebrity hockey game, vocalist Measha Brueggergosman defended her genre.


"People don't understand how dirty we are," Brueggergosman said. "If you spend half your life in a practice room, you're going to come up with a few pretty decent fantasies, my friend. Our inner dialogue really would not be fit for mass consumption."


Coldplay's Chris Martin, the object of much lusting-after all weekend, also caught Brueggergosman's eye. "Like every other carbon-based entity in this entire country and city, I will be drooling over Chris Martin unapologetically," she said.


Drool, however, was the least naughty fluid floating around at Sunday's mid-day songwriters' circle. The near-blue banter between Great Big Sea's Alan Doyle, Ron Sexsmith, Jann Arden and Martha Wainwright must have spiced up the afternoon tea for listeners to the CBC's nationally broadcast showcase. Amongst other admissions: Sexsmith once solicited Arden for sex, Wainwright "doesn't need lubrication" and, after meeting Wainwright, Doyle admitted that he needed a special "moment by myself." There was also some crude Arden-ism about menstrual blood falling from the sky, but the less said about that the better.

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