Help me!

[gentleparachute]

Life has been feeling kind of incongruous for me these last few months - Happy on the surface but I'm 'screaming underneath' kind of stuff - Life's pretty stark, barren and meaningless for me right now, and I don't know where I"m heading /how I'm getting out - I'm lost?!! Anybody here has a clue about what I'm feeling? (Please post, I could use your help very much :) )

 

Well I've had periods of feeling down and stuff since my teens (about 15) and I've always had rather dark thoughts - running away from home and figuring that by 18 I'd probably be on drugs / end up a prostitute / be a total sleaze - since 9 or 10, though none of it has come true (had a pretty rough emotional childhood, have religion to thank though :D ). It's just the last few months have felt pretty rough.

 

Life/reality feels barren and I don't know what I'm working/living for... I've always had a pretty low value of myself so the 'work for yourself' thing won't work coz I'm not worth the trouble. Previously I did ok coz I worked / lived for other people (family, mom especially though she was the one that inflicted most of the trauma; and dad & my only sis coz I felt I needed to be there for them), but now I've outgrown that and they are not important enough to me anymore... It's hard to care for people who are fundamentally different emotionally from you - I'm all touchy-feely so to speak while my family's not / not willing to get themselves hurt over it. The scary part is, nothing much else comes close to replacing that (something I really care for), the only exception being CP and the people (esp. fans who appreciate them) associated with them. I guess I would have killed myself if I never heard trouble and got to know their music... Then again, sometimes I do wonder whether I got down this deep because of them (without them I doubt I could have grown so much so fast emotionally)?

 

Neways, that's pretty much my rant and the situation I'm in now... I feel off the edge and like I'm drifting further and further from mainstream society each and every single day. It scares, saddens and bugs the hell out of me that most people out there (a big percentage of the world population) probably can't and won't want to accept this part of me that's getting bigger each day. I'd probably be condemned, chased out, flogged (and elsewhere be called blasphemous :P) for expressing who / what I am.

 

I know the thread's depressing as hell, very long, and some of you guys who don't feel that way will be clueless (not to say annoyed)- sorry... But I've got to get this off my chest and get some help (if I can find any) before it spirals off control even more. So I hope any of you who've read this, who feel in anyway that you can comprehend / understand, and who have the time and the compassion (and inclination :P ) to write, please do...

 

Thanks! :D

 

Love, :heart:

 

Ai Ling

 

P.S. On another note, do any of you feel like you're very connected to all the emotional stuff of the world? Sometimes I feel like I've ESP - I've (started to) notice some days / nights I feel real troubled / can't sleep and the next day it comes out in the news that there was a huge disaster that killed a lot of people... A bit crazy (and narcissistic to think so), I know, but still... Feel free to crucify me on this :D

[Professor Peedston]

i can kinda relate to what you're going through. actually i'm kind of going through the same thing right now. i think it's probably not uncommon for people our age to go through stages where they have no idea what we want to do and don't know why we should even try. i also know what it's like to feel like you can't talk to anybody about it, but i think if people understand that there's a serious problem, they'll listen. also i've had lots of problems with depression that i never thought were a big deal until it finally became too much for me to handle, and i went to see a therapist about 6 months ago. now i've found out that i've basically been suppressing that side of me since i was 7 years old (there's a lot of details that would explain why i've always been that way, but i'll leave that out for my privacy) and now i'm on medication for it... so there's things that can be done, i guess.

 

i have no idea why i'm telling you all that, i just would feel bad if i didn't answer and say that i know what you're going through to some degree.

 

at least you know we're on your side. :)

[gentleparachute]

 

i have no idea why i'm telling you all that, i just would feel bad if i didn't answer and say that i know what you're going through to some degree.

 

at least you know we're on your side. :)

 

Thanks, that helps a lot. Like they say, it's not so bad if the whole world's going down with you (sick jk :P, pretty funny but still sick)... But like all of us knows, that doesn't make it all ok...

 

Could I ask a bit if you're ok with it, how does medication go down? I've suspected and thought about it (the need for medication), I may just need it somewhere down the road