maxie1p

Wow....I've been away toooooo long. Julia don't worry about the age. Remember I'm marrying a lady 10 years younger than myself!!!!!

Friendship is a relationship which involves mutual knowledge, esteem, and affection. Friends will welcome each other's company and exhibit loyalty towards each other, often to the point of willful sacrifice of one's own interests or well-being for the sake of something that is non-self. Their tastes will usually be similar and may converge, and they will share enjoyable activities. They engage in mutually helping behavior, such as exchange of advice and the sharing of hardship. Yet for many, friendship is nothing more than the trust that someone or something will not harm them. They show the tendency to desire what is best for the other, show sympathy and honesty, perhaps in situations where it may be difficult for others to speak the truth. Anyone else is just an acquaintance.

....and if anything were to happen....you could always use this defense: http://trouble.philadelphiaweekly.com/archives/2006/03/that_devil_bipo.html

Just remember a friend will bail you out of jail........and a true friend will be sitting right there beside you in jail.:cheesy:

Cardiologist's Funeral A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes turned to him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist." ........................... That's when the proctologist fainted !!

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check." "Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!" When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen, but, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!" See, some men just don't listen!

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua. As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman saidto her friend "Let's go over to that bar for a drink." The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do." They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed." The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Doberman?" The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good." The bouncer said, "OK, come on in." The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in. Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed." The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?" The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a fucking Chihuahua?!"

Ed Was In Trouble He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 5 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!" The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Ed has been missing since Friday.

Laws of Life ________________ Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner, even if it is square. Law of Visual Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. Law of the Telephone: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. Variation Law: If you change traffic lanes, the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now . Law of the Bath: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. Law of Bio-mechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. Law of the Theatre: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last. Law of Coffee Temperature: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. Law of Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the cost of the carpet. Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly. Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet. Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly she spotted the most beautiful car that she had ever seen, and walked over to inspect it. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escaped her. Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped a salesperson didn't pop up right now. But, as she turned back, there, standing next to her, is a salesman. With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiles back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle? " Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just by touching it, you'll shit when you hear the price."

classic...I actually read this also.....a friggin' hour later.....I was crackin' up

purple how many languages can you speak?

mmm 7

8

George Carlin's New Rules for the New Year _____________________________________________ New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes, graduations, and releases from jail. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting. New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn. New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: LUCKY BASTARDS. New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men. New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done. New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket - water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water. New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis. New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a**hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge a**hole. New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high. New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show." New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two. New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. Don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands. New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese.

I think I've got them all. Check your PM Jenjie.

This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School(California) staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine. This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough schoolwork to pass their classes. The outgoing message: _____________________________________________________________ "Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection: * To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1 * To make excuses for why your child did not do his work- Press 2 * To complain about what we do - Press 3 * To swear at staff members - Press 4 * To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5 * If you want us to raise your child - Press 6 * If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone -Press 7 * To request another teacher, for the third time this year -Press 8 * To complain about bus transportation - Press 9 * To complain about school lunches - Press 0 * If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!

The four stages of life:

Christmas Story 'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed. He cussed out the elves and threw down his list. Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks. I have a good mind to scrap the whole works! I've busted my ass for damn near a year, Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear? The old lady bitches cause I work late at night. The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight. Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids. Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS. And just when I thought that things would get better Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter, They say I owe taxes--if that ain't funny Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money? And the kids these days--they all are the pits They want the impossible--Those mean little shits I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them, They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM! Flying through the air...dodging the trees Fa lling down chimneys and skinning my knees I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment. There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason, I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season

My friend and I at a piano bar

The fur seals are warm and fuzzy.....the penguins are just annoying, you know, dancing around with there "happy feet" and all......

Christmas Carols For The Disturbed * 1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear? * 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are * 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas * 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me * 5. Manic - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and..... * 6. Paranoid ---Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me * 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire * 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why * 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy.... oooh look at the sparkly lights - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away? * 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - - -Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells , Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jin gle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,

and don't forget to drink the Kool-Aid

An old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account." The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!" "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank." The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" "There is no damn problem," the man says. I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to put my damn money in this damn bank." " I see, " says the manager " and is this bitch giving you a hard time?"