maxie1p

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this." A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration." The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again." The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!" The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!" The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double." To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."

Thanks...this was from a few months ago.... btw ...I do like your new hairstyle Julia....you should put that on your last.fm page :wink2:

The Blue Ridge Parkway, North Carolina http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blue_Ridge_Parkway

From last year on vacation

Not so much a joke ....but a friend sent me this:

An anagram is a type of word play, the result of rearranging the letters of a word or phrase to produce other words, using all the original letters exactly once. -------------------------------- Amazing Anagrams -------------------------------- Dormitory == Dirty Room Desperation == A Rope Ends It The Morse Code == Here Come Dots Slot Machines == Cash Lost in 'em Animosity == Is No Amity Snooze Alarms == Alas! No More Z's Alec Guinness == Genuine Class Semolina == Is No Meal The Public Art Galleries == Large Picture Halls, I Bet A Decimal Point == I'm a Dot in Place The Earthquakes == That Queer Shake Eleven plus two == Twelve plus one Contradiction == Accord not in it This one's amazing: [From Hamlet by Shakespeare] To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. Becomes: In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten. And the grand finale: "That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." -- Neil A. Armstrong becomes: A thin man ran; makes a large stride; left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years. The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump. The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms. Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs. The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor. To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!" (^insert rimshot here)

and 5 out of 4 people have problems with fractions..

I know this is bad....but I had to do it.... What do you call a person with no arms and no legs… between two buildings? ALI who loosens hex screws? ALLEN on a tennis court? ANNETTE on your living room wall? ART -- what if he also doesn't have a tongue? TASTELESS ART on two wheels? AXEL stuck in a fence? BARB in your fireplace? BERNIE in your mailbox? BILL in the ocean? BOB in a bank? BUCK who is foaming at the mouth? BUD in a sugar vat? CANDY in a bag? CARRIE who is a prostitute? CASH & CARRIE who has no head? CHESTER who is on the edge of the green? CHIP put through a meat grinder? CHUCK two men with no arms and no legs in a window? CURT N' ROD in a tiger cage? CLAUDE hanging from a chandelier? CRYSTAL or TIFFANY in your kitchen sink? DAWN who is covered with oil? DEREK a man with no arms, legs, head or torso? DICK when you push his head under water? DUNCAN under a bed? DUSTY in a bathtub? DWAYNE on hot asphalt? FLIP in a sewer? FLO on your barbecue? FRANK under a microscope? GENE in your spice rack? HERB or BASIL flying over a fence? HOMER under a car? JACK in the men's room? JOHN who pretends to have arms and legs? JOSH under a steamroller? LANE floating on a pond? LILY on a piece of paper? MARK on your front door step? MATT on a stage? MIKE a woman with no arms, legs, head or torso? MUFFY who is shaving? NICK in a motorized wheelchair? OTTO in a frying pan? PAM between two slices of bread? PATTY holding a coat? PEG in a flowerbed? PETE in a hole? PHIL lying beside a carnival ride? RALPH who is covered with sauerkraut? REUBEN with a history of wheelchair collisions? REX in a bank vault? RICH covered with cement? ROCK being stoned to death? ROCKY who has been struck by lightning? ROD on a hill? ROLAND in a vase? ROSE in a pile of leaves? RUSSELL on a beach ? SANDY who is water skiing? SKIP in the end zone? SPIKE being cooked by cannibals? STU in a lingerie drawer? TEDDY who gets left behind in a restaurant? TIP on the President's desk? VITO given to you by a deceased uncle? WILL in an arid desert? WILT :disguise:

In The Hospital A man is lying in a hospital bed with an oxygen mask over his face. A young nurse's aide appears to sponge his face and hands. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young aide replies, "I don't know. I'm only here to wash your hands and face." Again, he struggles to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Once more, the aide replies, "I don't know. I'm only here to wash your hands and face." The Head Nurse was passing and noticed the man was becoming a little distraught, so she approached his bed to find out what was wrong. Seeing her, the man mumbled again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Being a nurse of longstanding, she was undaunted. She quickly pulled back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama bottom, moved his penis out of the way, had a good look, pulled up his pajamas, pulled the bedclothes back up and announced, "There's nothing wrong with them!" At this, the man pulled of his oxygen mask and again asked, "Are my test results back??"

8....even though Detroit shoulda won :bigcry:

Don't feel bad..... Friday, July 15, 2016

Gotta say that Damien may have taken his time....but damn what a gorgeous voice he has and '9' does not disappoint.

Blood on the Tracks has got to be one of my top 10 albums .....EVER!!

Damien Rice-9......................freaking beautiful........amazing

The German Jetpack of World War II ------------------------------------------------ During WWII, Germany made late-war experiments of strapping two wearable shortened Schmidt pulse jet tubes of low thrust to the body of a pilot. The working principle was the same as the Schmidt-Argus pulse jet that powered the Fieseler Fi 103 flying bomb whereas the size was much smaller. The device was called "Himmelstürmer" (Skystormer) and operated as follows: when the flier ignited both engines simultaneously the tubes began to pulse modulate. The angled rear tube strapped to the flier's back provided both lift and forward thrust while the chest mounted deflector tube of lower thrust maintained a constant upward thrust. This lifted the flier up and forward. By opening the throttle to the rear tube, calculated "jumps" could be made of up to 60 meter (180 ft) at low altitude (under 50 ft, 15 m). The tubes consumed very little fuel but not much could be carried either. The intended use for this device was for German pioneers to cross minefields, barbed wire obstacles, and bridgeless waters.

What????? My first purchase was Rubber Soul...then Abbey Road...then Revolver...then Sgt. Pepper's...then White Album...then Let it Be....then I bought the rest in one big cd purchase....and then I played them in the order that they were released....and I gotta say the White Album was by far my favorite.

A carpet installer decides to take a cigarette break after completing the installation in the first of several rooms he has to do. Finding them missing from his pocket he begins searching, only to notice a small lump in his recently completed carpet-installation. Not wanting to rip up all that work for a lousy pack of cigarettes he simply walks over and pounds the lump flat. He decides to forgo the break continues on to the other rooms to be carpeted. At the end of the day he's completed his work and loading his tools into his trucks when two events occur almost simultaneously: he spies his pack of cigarettes on the dashboard of the truck, and the lady of the house calls out "Have you seen my parakeet?"

A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice "13.......13.......13.........13" the man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned '14.........14.........14.......14.'

A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this... 'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.' She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away." So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?" Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage. He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on." The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers." He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!" The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!" He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!" "And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

Differences Between Men & Women If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy. EATING OUT: When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. MONEY: A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale. BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. ARGUMENTS: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. FUTURE: A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. SUCCESS: A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. MARRIAGE: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does. DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. NATURAL: Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef What do you call a fly with no wings? A Walk What do you call a dog with no legs? It really doesn't matter...he's not gonna come to you anyway