Jump to content

Stuart Larkin :D

Vibrant Oxymoron

Recommended Posts

Doreen Larkin: [in a Chinese restaurant] Well, do you know what you want to eat?

Stuart Larkin: A happy meal.

Doreen Larkin: Stuart, it's a Chinese restaurant, they don't make the happy meal.

Stuart Larkin: [growling] Then I hate the Chinese.


Doreen Larkin: Stuart, I have never said anything racist in front of you.

Stuart Larkin: Mmmhmmm, you said that Canadians are wusses and that black people aren't scary as long as they keep their hair neat. French are smelly and can't fight... oh, and you said that the Chinese were ugly.



Stuart Larkin


Aunt Noreen: Happy Birthday, Stuart! Do you remember which aunt I am?

Stuart Larkin: The alcoholic?

Aunt Noreen: No...

Stuart Larkin: The one who lives with her 'FRIEND', Linda?

Aunt Noreen: No...

Stuart Larkin: Then you must be the ugly one.

Doreen Larkin: Stuart, apologize to your Aunt Noreen!

Stuart Larkin: I'm sorry you're ugly.


Brenda: So, Stuart, I hear your dad left on a Thursday, huh?

Stuart Larkin: Um-hum.

Brenda: Well, how does that makes you feel?

Stuart Larkin: [suspiciously] Why?

Brenda: Well, I grew up without a father too and I just wanted to tell you... You know, sweetie, it's not your fault.

Stuart Larkin: [pushes Brenda off the couch with his feet] Aaaaahhh!

Brenda: Stuart, that was not very nice.

Stuart Larkin: [reaching out his foot towards Brenda] Say that into the microphone!

Brenda: If I do, will we be friends?

Stuart Larkin: [putting his foot in front of his mouth, sing-songy] I don't know.

Brenda: Well, I don't need to be your friend, then. I'll just sit here and read a magazine.


Stuart Larkin: Where's Mr. Pip's goo-goo?

Various: His what?

Stuart Larkin: His goo-goo. His goo-goo's not there.

Various: I'm sorry, I don't understand...

Doreen Larkin: Well, he's talking about his goo-goo, his ding-a-ling, duh!


Stay away from my Danger!

Stuart Larkin


T-Ball instructor: Now, Stuart, you have to get angry and swing at the ball. What makes you angry , Stuart?

Stuart Larkin: [eyes narrow, voice becomes a growling whisper] The *world*.


Stuart: "Little boys who aren't polite give the pro-choice a better reason to exist." ; "My mom said it's okay to talk to lesbians because they take good care of their cats and have a can-do attitude"


Stuart: Mama says, little boys who swear grow up to Democrats"


Stuart Larkin: [talking to the Tooth Fairy] Don't jump on the bed. My mom says only Italians do that.


Doreen Larkin: What does mama say about the smoking?

Stuart Larkin: Smoking is for Europeans and white trash.


Doreen Larkin: What does mama say about sliding down the banister?

Stuart Larkin: Don't slide down the banister because you'll injure your googoo and that's all some men have going for them.


Doreen Larkin: What does mama say about little boys who aren't polite?

Stuart Larkin: Little boys who aren't polite give the pro-choice a better reason to exist.


Doreen Larkin: What does mama say about lying?

Stuart Larkin: Little boys who lie should expect tragedy to visit them on a regular basis.


Doreen Larkin: What does mama say about swearing?

Stuart Larkin: Mama says, little boys who swear grow up to Democrats


Doreen Larkin: Stuart, what does mama say about little boys who eavesdrop?

Stuart Larkin: Little boys who eavesdrop deserve to know the truth, and the truth is usually devastating

Link to comment
Share on other sites


Sketch length – 2:29


Stuart Larkin.......................MICHAEL MCDONALD

Doreen Larkin.....................MO COLLINS


Lowered Expectations

Doreen & Stuart Larkin – Press #962


DOREEN: Talk right into the camera? Okay? Well, hello, I’m Doreen Larkin, and I just want to say right off the bat that I’m not looking for a husband so much as...more of a father figure for my son, Stuart. Well, sit up, Stuart.




STUART: Don’t!


DOREEN: Sit up!


STUART: Don’t!


DOREEN: Oh. My husband left us on Tuesday and when you’re as gifted as Stuart you need a constant male influence as...Stuart, where did you get those chips? Where did you get those chips?


STUART: I found ‘em on the floor.


DOREEN: Oh, well you give me those right now. Stuart, you give mama those chips!


STUART (munching down): No, I want them. No, don’t!




DOREEN: Oh, such an appetite, oh. Well, what do you expect with such a growing boy. He’s my boy, my big boy. (Stuart lays on ground) The doctors can’t really say how big he’s going to get. Oh, look at him, he’s so active! We’re looking for someone who’d maybe like to wrestle, in a pool. Isn’t that right, Stuart.


STUART: Don’t!


DOREEN: Well, isn’t it?


STUART: Don’t!


DOREEN: Now, don’t get all cranky on me. Why don’t you tell them what you’re looking for in a daddy?


STUART: I don’t want to say.


DOREEN: Well, go on and say it.


STUART: I don’t wanna say!




DOREEN: Stuart, don’t be shy, now tell them! This is your chance to be on television, (high pitched) now tell them!


STUART (standing up): Look what I can do! (small dance)


DOREEN: Oh, isn’t he adorable? There he is, my boy.


STUART (closer to camera): Hi! I’m on TV.




DOREEN: Oooh. Such a handsome boy. Smile pretty for the camera!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Will Sasso- Himself

Stuart- Michael McDonald

Doreen- Mo Collins



Will Sasso: Thank you, thank you, alright, thank you. Hows it going, im Will Sasso welcome to MADtv, we're gonna have a good show and fun and all that stuff but before we start i just wanna bring someone out. Theres a little boy whos been wondering round backstage around the studio like all night, now we dont who he is and if i could before we start, i'd just like to bring him out and find out who he belongs to. Little boy, little boy come on out here (Stuart comes out from backstage) there he is. Come on down, there he is, watch your step, watch your step. This is the little boy i was telling ya about, watch your step, come on up, we just wanna find out...now little boy we're just gonna, just gonna see if (goes to grab Stuart's arm)...


Stuart: Dooon't!


Will Sasso: Ok, we just wanna see if your mother is in (goes to grab Stuart's arm again)...


Stuart: Dooon't!


Will Sasso: Ok i dunno if...


Doreen: Stuart! (Comes up from the audience) Stuart! What are you doing up there with MADtv's Will Sasso? He's trying to start the show. Oh! I'm so sorry about this, he said he was just gonna go off to the little boys room to make brown bubbles. Ah, now Stuart lets go back so that Will Sasso can start the show.


Stuart: (Eating hotdog) No i wanna stay up here with Will.


Doreen: Stuart where did you get that hotdog? (Stuart shakes his head) Where'd ya get that hotdog? Where'd ya get that hotdog? Where, where'd ya get it?


Stuart: I found it on the floor.


Doreen: Well you cant eat that, what does mama say about the hotdog? what does mama say about the hotdog?


Stuart: I don't wanna say!


Doreen: Say it!


Stuart: I don't wanna say!


Doreen: Say it!


Stuart: Hotdogs are made from the part of the pig where the poop comes out.


Will Sasso: Oh no, no, no they're not, don't say that.


Doreen: Thats right. Yeah, now don't you dare eat that whatever you do.


Will Sasso: Oh he's eating it.


Doreen: Oh... Ho!


Will Sasso: Oh he ate the whole thing, he ate the whole hotdog.


Doreen: Come on lets go back to our seats so that Will Sasso can start the MADtv show.


Stuart: (Has mouth full) No i wanna stay up here with Will.


Doreen: Go on! Go!


Stuart: No i wanna stay up here with Will.


Doreen: Go on! Go on!


Stuart: I wanna, i wanna stay.


Doreen: Oh... Ho!


Stuart: I wanna tell a joke.


Doreen: Oh isnt he adorable? Hes a regular Chucky Green, yeah, well go on, tell it, tell your joke.


Stuart: Let me do it!


Doreen: Go on!


Stuart: Don't rush me!


Doreen: Oh! Tell it!


Stuart: What did the lettuce say to the tomato?


Will Sasso: What did the, what did the lettuce say to the tomato, i dunno, what did the lettuce...


Stuart: Look what i can do.


Doreen: Ok. Yeah. Now Stuart don't you do too many of them, the producers will see how talented you are and Will Sasso will be out of a job.


Will Sasso: Ha ha (shakes his head).


Doreen: Come on lets go sit down and watch the show.


Stuart: No i wanna stay.


Doreen: Lets go watch MADtv.


Stuart: I wanna stay.


Doreen: Come on! Lets go!


Stuart: But i wanna stay, i wanna stay (both begin walking off).


Will Sasso: Ok, alright anyway, thanks for...(Stuart walks in front of the camera) move your head! Enjoy the rest of the show...move...just...move the camera! Little boy move out of the way!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Stuart Larkin


Stuart Douglas Larkin (Michael McDonald) is a little boy with a constantly dazed and vacant look on his face. His wacky, borderline alcoholic, thick Wisconsin-accented mother Doreen (Mo Collins), nags, scolds and screams at him for getting into mischief. One of her tagphrases is "What did Momma say about that, Stuart? What did Momma say?" For example, he is often seen eating different junk foods, and when his mother inquires about them, he simply replies that he found them on the floor, then shoves them in his mouth. Even though Stuart appears very anti-social, and naive about the world it was mentioned in some episodes (such as "Stuart Takes Piano Lessons") that he is a genius. This was further shown when he had shown exceptional piano talent on only his second lesson.


Stuart's childhood traumas, such as his father leaving the family, are often mentioned. Once Stuart said, "Mommy, Daddy called", and his mother, quavering, replies, "Did he say anything about me?" Stuart replies, "Daddy says you could nag the paint off the wall." No matter when the sketch takes place, Stuart's dad has always left the previous Tuesday, after meeting an Asian woman over the internet.


Stuart's catchphrases are


Look what I can do!!

(and his subsequent break into an awkward, spasm-like flourish, once referred to as a dipsy-doodle)


Let me do it!!

(when an adult attempts to assist him with something) and



(when an adult gets too close to him and tries to touch him)


Stuart tends to push anyone who he doesn't want near him with his legs, he lays on the floor and uses his long legs to keep them away from him, sometimes using a violent push (for example when he pushed The Tooth Fairy played by Susan Sarandon, and making her fall onto a beanbag. Another example is when he pushes his doctor, played by Nicole Sullivan, and throwing her out of a window when he realized she had given him a vaccine). Stuart occasionally refers to his genital area as his "danger zone," or refers to his genitals specifically as his "googoo." When pushed too far, his boyish falsetto is replaced by a deep, demonic voice. This voice is used when Stuart enters his "dark place", a glimpse into Stuart's inner turmoil.


Several skits showed Stuart annoying his neighbor, Harvey Makenthaler (Paul Vogt). Stuart's original name was "Scott"; his middle name is Douglas.


Since Mo Collins left the show, Stuart had appeared in only one sketch per season.


Stuart appeared 38 times during the run of MAD TV. He was in seasons 4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11, & 12. There was also a sketch used in the series finale that Mo pre-taped the voice of Doreen and they did a montage of Stuart. Doreen appeared 31 times during the run of MAD TV. She was in season 4,5,6,7,8,9 & 10, Mo Collins came back for the series finale and recorded the voice of Doreen during a montage of Stuart.[4]

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Stuart and the Tooth Fairy (#615)

Sketch length – 7:00


Stuart Larkin.............................MICHAEL MCDONALD

Doreen Larkin...........................MO COLLINS

Tooth Fairy................................SUSAN SARANDON



DOREEN (fixing Stuart’s bed): Stuart, it’s time for bed. What are you doing out there?


Stuart enters a moment later in his pajamas. Reveal in a closer shot that he is missing one of his bottom front teeth.


STUART: I’m looking for my missing tooth.


DOREEN: Well, honey, I’ve already bagged it and put it under your pillow for the tooth fairy. Now come on, say your prayers.


Stuart “hops” over. Stuart and Doreen kneel down and take their prayer positions.


STUART (quickly): Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, If I should die before I week, I pray the Lord my soul to take. God Bless Mommy, and God Bless Daddy who just had to get out of this hell-hole.


DOREEN: Well, where’d you hear that nonsense?


STUART (climbing into bed): From daddy on the phone.


DOREEN: Your father called? Uh...did he mention me?


STUART: Um...he said you could nag the paint off the walls.


DOREEN (tucking him in, leaving): Oh-oh-o-oh-o-oh! Well, good night, Stuart!


She blows him a kiss, which he catches and plants on his cheek. She turns out the lights. A moment later, the tooth fairy magically appears by his window. She walks over to Stuart’s bed. Stuart flips the light on.


TOOTH FAIRY: Oh, a darling little boy. But you’re supposed to be sleeping.


STUART: I can’t! I’m too excited! Where’s my dollar!?


TOOTH FAIRY: Oh, but we don’t give out money any longer. But don’t worry. Though your tooth be gone, for we have brought you (revealing) dental floss. Here, enjoy!


Stuart kicks her arm away.


STUART: No, I’d rather have a dollar.


TOOTH FAIRY: It is not our intention to cause you displeasure, so in exchange for your tooth, we give you this treasure.


STUART (kicking away): No, I’d rather have a dollar!


TOOTH FAIRY (holding him by the collar): Alright, kid. Listen. It’s been a long night, you understand? And I collect teeth for a living, you can imagine how gross that is. This is my last stop of the night, so...


She lets go of him, and his head hits his headboard.


TOOTH FAIRY: Though your tooth be gone, it’s no big-


STUART (kicking her): No, shut up!


He kicks her onto a bean bag chair. Doreen enters a moment later.


DOREEN: Stuart? What is going on?


STUART: The tooth fairy tried to give me dental floss, so I kicked her into that bean bag chair.


TOOTH FAIRY: She can’t see me, kid.


DOREEN: Stuart, what does mama say about lying?


STUART: I don’t wanna say.


DOREEN: What does mama say?


STUART: I don’t wanna say!


DOREEN: Well, say it!


STUART: Little boys who lie should expect tragedy to visit them on a regular basis.


TOOTH FAIRY: Yeah, a little spanking might be good for you too.


Stuart growls and sticks his tongue out at the tooth fairy, who, in return, gives him the inappropriate arm-crossed gesture.


STUART: Mommy, what does this mean?


Stuart repeats this gesture for his mother, who is in shock.


DOREEN: Stuart, that gesture is for kids that go to the public schools! Now, it is lights out for you.


She switches off the lights and leaves.


DOREEN (cont’d): Oh-oh-o-oh!


The tooth fairy switches the lights back on, and cackles evilly. She is interrupted by a flash of lighting from above.


TOOTH FAIRY: Yes, boss. I’m sorry, I’ll try. I’m so sorry I flipped you...the arm, Stuart. (pause) Stuart? Oh, Stuart! Is everything alright? Stuart? Hello, are you there?


STUART (evil voice): I’m in my dark place.


TOOTH FAIRY (looking up): Well, uh, what can we do to get you out of your dark place?


STUART (regular voice): A dollar.


TOOTH FAIRY: I told you, I don’t have a dollar!


Another flash of lighting.


TOOTH FAIRY: Okay, well, uh...maybe I could teach you how to fly! How about that?


She stands up on Stuart’s bed.


TOOTH FAIRY (jumping): Start like this, huh?


STUART: I’m not supposed to jump on the bed. My mom says only Italians do that.


TOOTH FAIRY (after pause): No, Polish people do it too. Come on.


She helps him up, as they both jump up and down in unison.


TOOTH FAIRY: Just like that! Yes, yes, oh, yes! Yes! Yes!


STUART: Look what I can do!


He jumps up in the air, but then falls off of the bed.


TOOTH FAIRY (at knees): Oh, crap!


DOREEN (entering): Stuart, what the dickens is going on!??


STUART (standing up, startled voice): I was jumping on the bed with the tooth fairy, then I fell off. I’m not hurt, but I’m startled!


DOREEN: Stuart, come here right now.


Stuart walks over to his mother.


DOREEN: Now, Stuart, I gotta tell ya. There is no such thing as the tooth fairy.


TOOTH FAIRY: See, adults can’t see me, it’s just little children, because they’re so simple and sweet.


STUART: Shut up, tooth fairy!


They stick their tongues out each other, and then the tooth fairy smacks Stuart with her wand.




DOREEN (moving between both of them): Stuart, it’s okay if you have your imaginary friends. And it’s even okay to misbehave once in a while. So, I’m going to give you this dollar for your tooth. But, now you gotta be good (high pitched) and you gotta go to bed! Okay?




TOOTH FAIRY: Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!


Stuart “hops” back over to bed.


DOREEN (sweet): Good night, Stuart.


She blows him a kiss, which the tooth fairy catches. Doreen shuts the door after turning off the lights.


STUART (turning on light): Give me my kiss, it’s mine.


TOOTH FAIRY: I’ll trade ya.


Stuart pulls his tooth from underneath his pillow. Stuart hands her the tooth and she plants the kiss on his cheek.


STUART: Thank you.


TOOTH FAIRY: You’re welcome. Bye, see you next time. And don’t forget to floss!


She waves her wand as the room goes dark.

Link to comment
Share on other sites


Sketch length – 5:32


Stuart Larkin…………………MICHAEL MCDONALD

Doreen Larkin………………..MO COLLINS

Grandma……………………...KATHY BATES (gs)

Grandpa………………………CHRISTIAN DUGUAY


GRANDMA: Stan, did you scoop the leaves out of the pool like I asked you to?


GRANDPA: I’m paralyzed.


GRANDMA: Well, your beer drinking arm is doing fine. You better ease up on the booze there, Stan. Your grandson will be here in a minute. (she pokes him)




GRANDMA: Don’t you ‘don’t’ me!


GRANDPA: Don’t! Don’t!


GRANDMA: Don’t! Don’t!


DOREEN (entering with Stuart): Is anybody home?




Stuart is wearing his speedo and arm float devices.


GRANDMA: Stuart! Come here!


DOREEN: Well, now...mom, you know that Stuart doesn’t like to be touched!


STUART (running to her): Grammy! (hugs her)


GRANDMA: Oh, look at you! Are you ready for a swim? Looks like you got a new speedo on.


DOREEN: Yeah, he picked it out himself at the department store, but it was in the irregular bin and I don’t like the way it rides him.


STUART: Don’t!


DOREEN: Stuart, just let me fix it!


STUART: Don’t!


DOREEN: Well, Stuart, I don’t want your goo-goo to flop out.


GRANDMA: For god’s sake, Doreen. We’re all family here – let his goo-goo flop out!


STUART (to mom): Don’t!


GRANDMA (with him): Don’t!




DOREEN: Stuart, say ‘hi’ to grandpa.


STUART: But grandpa can’t walk.


DOREEN: That’s right, so go over to him. Bring him a beer.


STUART: I don’t have time, I’m going swimming.


DOREEN: Stuart, what does mama say about grandpa?


STUART: That he’s an alcoholic?


DOREEN: No, what I told you at the store. I said ‘be nice to grandpa or no pool!’, remember?


STUART (growling): Mmmmmmmmm....


GRANDMA: Will you do it for me, Stuart?




GRANDMA: Attaboy! (aside with Doreen) Boy, he sure has had a growth spurt.


DOREEN: Oh, I know, I sure hope it isn’t a pituitary issue, I don’t want him winding up in the Guinness book!


GRANDMA: Well, don’t you worry. That book is only for freaks.


STUART (to grandpa): Look what I can do!


GRANDPA: What the hell was that?


GRANDMA: Don’t you get it, Stan? It’s a trick! Look what I can do!


STUART: Look what I can do! Look what I can do!


GRANDMA: Look what I can do! Look what I can do!


They both do little dances.


GRANDPA: Okay, okay, I get it. I’ll take that beer now, Stuart.


STUART: Dooooooon’t...


GRANDPA: What the hell are you doing down there, Stuart?


STUART: Grandpa, can you feel your legs?


GRANDPA: No, Stuart, you know I can’t.


STUART: Can you feel your goo-goo?


GRANDMA: No, hon, thankfully for me that’s numb too. Give your grandpa the beer. Good boy! Why don’t you do your beer commercial for grandpa?


STUART: Okay. (long pause)


DOREEN: Well, go on Stuart. Grandpa’s waiting.


STUART: Let me do it! (long pause) Whassup?


GRANDMA: Ah, you should be in commercials!


DOREEN: Well, we tried, but they told us that Stuart doesn’t have the face that people like to associate with food!




GRANDPA (while Stuart shoves chips into his mouth): What a shock.


DOREEN (increasing pitch): Stuart, get those chips out of your mouth! I said no eating before you go swimming or you’ll sink like a stone!


GRANDPA: Have that boy checked for worms!


GRANDMA: You be quiet!




DOREEN: Now, Stuart. You jump in, and then swim right over to the side.


GRANDMA: Let him do it.


DOREEN: Oh-o-oh. Don’t you undermine my authority as a parent, mother!


STUART: Oh-o-o-o-oh! Look what I can do!


He jumps in the pool, causing a big splash.


DOREEN (excited): Oh-oh! He’s like Aquaman! He’s like Aquaman!


GRANDMA: More like cacaman! He pooped in the pool!


Stuart’s poop is floating on top of the pool.


STUART: My poo is chasing me!


DOREEN: Stuart, you swim to the side, you're going to get hepatitis!




GRANDMA: Let me scoop the poop!


Grandma scoops it out with the pool strainer, but it lands on grandpa’s lap.


GRANDPA: Get it off!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Create New...