Jump to content

Funny Business

Guest DavidG

Recommended Posts

In the world of big business, sometimes you have to be ruthless to get things done. In the world of commercials it often takes a special type of evil to give the kind of exaggerations, misleading phrases, and yes, even utter badger spit (non offensive word used to replace “bullshit” while still hav1ing the initials BS) necessary to make a sale to someone who is who is most likely making a run to the fridge for something while the commercials are on, so they have something to eat when the show is back. Not many have the quality necessary to make the cut as a commercial producer, but there was one. One man, no, not even a man, a creature who was perfectly cut out for the job. And he was the one in charge of advertising a product called “Devilishly Delicious Chocolate Covered Snail Shells”, a product with a terribly misleading name, due the fact that they were not delicious, nor were the chocolate covered. But this small fact didn't bother the one who's job it was to advertise the product to the world.


He was the most heinous demon to ever to rise to the surface world out of the bowels of hell. A creature 8 feet tall, with horns, hooves, reddish skin, and hair that was literally on fire (and you thought I was making a clever metaphor when I said he was a demon). All in all, you could say he was an extremely frightening visage to behold, or would be, except that he wore the most drab, and plain business suit that existed (the required wardrobe for anyone who owns his or her own advertising company) which looked rather awkward considering the shoes didn't fit well on his hooves, the sleeves were too thin to contain his arms, and as a result were tattered and torn below the elbow, and ashes from his blazing hair left some noticeable burn marks on his shirt. So instead of being unbelievably frightening as a demon should be, he instead looked like a rather awkward man who walked funny, had quite a sunburn, mysteriously grown horns, and had somehow managed to catch his hair on fire. Nobody bothered to comment on his looks, out of politeness, but he was aware of how odd he looked and had become very self-conscious about it. Add to this that he had the rather non-frightening name “Nigel”, and you end up with a demon who, while still unbelievably vile and treacherous, had developed a serious self esteem problem and was felt sorry for by all of his employees.


The problem with demons, is that they always have plans to overrun the world, and since Nigel had gone for a solid 3 days without an attempt at world domination, the higher-ups in hell (or would that be “lower downs”…?) ordered him to make another attempt soon or have his “demon” status revoked, and be demoted back down to “Imp”. It had taken Nigel some 46 years to work his way up from Imp to Demon the first time. To make the jump from Imp to Demon, one must do something evil enough to wipe the smile off the face of the King of Hell himself… Santa Claus (don't act surprised, you knew there had to be something wrong with a guy who goes around giving presents for no reason). Also there is a written part to the exam. The way Nigel passed into the demonhood, was quite an accident, but still very effective. He had failed the written part of his exam (again) and in frustration exclaimed “Bright orange Christmas tree infested Jello Farms!!!”. While this seems like a completely un-comprehendible group of words thrown together to anyone familiar with English, in the language of demons, it is actually such an obscene exclamation that nobody had ever even dared to say it before. This act of complete utter treachery was more than enough to make Santa's jaw drop in horror, and even enough to override his written exam scores. He had earned instant demonhood. Now, if he didn't come up with a plan for world domination soon, they were gonna kick him back down to Imp. However, if he came up with a rather nasty one, then maybe he'd be up for that promotion to the next level higher than demon. It was a title that was nearly impossible to attain. One would have to express the ability to be unbelievably cruel and hideous in order to be granted the title of… Clown. Nigel imagined himself as a clown, scaring children, handing out balloons, and wearing goofy red wigs. It was almost too much of a pleasant thought to handle, so had come up with the most deceptive plan for world domination he could think of.


He had started an advertising company with the intent of making a commercial that would take the world by storm, and make everyone want to buy “Devilishly Delicious Chocolate Covered Snail Shells”. In each box he put an egg of a Gabbeldy Gargashig, (wow, spell check is NOT gonna like that one) amazingly stupid creatures who are trained (yes trained IN THE EGG, and don't question the author's methods of storytelling again, I don't have to tell you this story you know) to steal the nearest television remote control and take it to their trainer, in this case Nigel. Once he had the worlds television remote controls the people would go into a panic, and the only one who could return order would be Nigel, who planned to only return their television remote controls in exchange for 100% of the Microsoft stock (cause we all know that he who controls Microsoft controls the world). Nigel's employees never knew any of this of course.


It was actually nearing the day for the commercial to air, and unless something happened soon, it would go off without a hitch. However, if television and movies haven't taught you anything, then let me be the first to tell you, when the odds are against it, and time is running out, something ALWAYS happens to stop it, and this situation is no different. Nigel just never would have expected that his downfall would come from one of his employees. Especially not the inconceivably clumsy mail room worker, Dave.


Dave worked in the mail room with his good friend Steve (the two had met by being the first and second place runner's up in the “worlds most unoriginally named short story characters” contest ), and one day they were both at their stations opening envelopes and reading the mail inside when something shocking happened. Dave was in the middle of opening a rather tough envelope, when he heard something rather unexpected through the heating vents. In true television or movie villain fashion, Nigel had taken exactly this moment to talk to himself out loud, explaining his plan for world takeover so that Dave could hear every word. Dave was so take by surprised that he accidentally stabbed Steve in the ear lobe with his letter-opener. Steve had a rather odd birth defect which meant that due to some problem that I'm too lazy to explain, being stabbed in the ear was potentially fatal. The paramedics were called, and took Steve to the hospital. Before they left, Dave explained his predicament to one of them, and the paramedic responded “What the hell are you talking about? Who's your crack dealer pal? Whoever he is, he's been selling you some strange stuff.” Dave took great insult to this, due to the fact that he had graduated from the D.A.R.E. program in school, and had managed to say no to drugs his entire life up to this point, and wouldn't have anyone thinking he was on crack (Dave also had won the first place prize in the “not able to take a joke” contest). He decided that this job had caused a person to think he was a drug addict, and by golly, he was not gonna work in a job that hurt his reputation. He immediately walked upstairs to hand in his resignation.


He handed it in, while trying very hard not to laugh at the fact that the boss had caught his hair on fire again. Nigel pretended to be sorry to see him go, but he knew that now it didn't matter anymore. The commercial was going out onto the airwaves tomorrow, and he wasn't going to need any mail openers after then. Dave walked out trying to seem as purposeful as possible, rather than like a clumsy awkward fool (he failed miserably at this by the way). On the way out he tripped over a plug, which just happened to be the plug controlling all the editing equipment for the commercial. The plug of course came out of the socket. Dave turned around and almost immediately with the intent of plugging it back in but decided “hey, this guy can plug in his own damn editing equipment, I don't work for him anymore”. With that, Dave walked out, and will not be mentioned again in this story.


Fixing the equipment would be a completely easy task of plugging it back in except for one thing… Demons don't have any coordination with their hands, which are too big to handle plugs anyway. So Nigel couldn't fix his problem, and had far too much pride to ask for help from one of his employees, and instead just sat down in a corner and waited for the letter to come that would tell him that he had been demoted to Imp. However, he didn't realize that his two mail room workers were both gone, one having quit, and the other in the hospital in critical condition due to a severe ear injury, so when that letter of demotion came, he didn't know it. So as a result, he remained sitting in that corner for seven hundred and twenty three years, and became quite a skilled thumb twiddler, winning the 6 million dollar grand prize in a thumb twiddling contest. So I guess it's a happy ending for everyone… Except for Steve… after being stabbed in the ear, he was never the same. His earlobe had to amputated, and he had the other one amputated in order to keep himself from being off balance. So for the rest of his miserable life, he had to live with the torment of knowing that people were staring at him because he had no ear lobes. I also want to take this time to mention Dave. Nothing special about him, but I just promised earlier that he wouldn't be mentioned again, and I wanted to show that its my damn story, and I can run it however I want.


The End

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Create New...