August 3, 200619 yr Long bathroom lines, loudmouth drunks and questionable calls can kill the buzz at a live show — here’s what to watch out for By the time he sang “Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes,” Paul Simon’s performance at the Mid-State Fair last Saturday had won me over. Simon’s gentle voice was still intact, he fronted a band of virtuosos and he selected the perfect mix of songs — a touch of Simon and Garfunkel, a healthy dose of “Graceland” hits and the best stuff off his latest album, “Surprise.” It might have been a perfect night had it not been for the cheesy-looking guy making out with his drunk girlfriend in front of us. Or the vibrato-voiced lady behind us who took it upon herself to make “Bridge Over Troubled Water” a duet between her and Paul. I know, I know — I’m being picky. After all, I got to see Paul Simon — a Rock and Roll Hall of Famer recently listed as one of the “100 people who shape our world” by Time magazine. (Anyone who once hosted “The Muppet Show” is top-notch in my book.) It’s just that as much as I love concerts, there’s usually a couple of things at every show that just really bug the bejeepers out of me. With several more acts planned before the fair closes Sunday, I thought this might be a good time to trot out my top 15 concert pet peeves: No. 15: Ticket prices Back in 1989, I shelled out 50 bucks to a scalper so I could see The Who in Washington, D.C. Today, that won’t even get you into the next Vanessa Williams show ($55, Atlantic City Hilton). I won’t even get into T-shirt prices. Or, for that matter, the fact that they shrink three sizes the first time you wash them. No. 14: Cold as ice When I see someone in concert, I don’t want it to be all business; I like a little chat. When he was at The Graduate recently, Richard Thompson had some great one-liners, and he explained the songs he was singing. But when John Mellencamp played the Mid-State Fair a few years ago, he barely said a word, making me think 1.) he hated us, or 2.) he ate the fair’s deep-fried Twinkies and needed to get out in a hurry. At least Simon mentioned the Ferris wheel. No. 13: Reefer madness I’m not a DARE volunteer or anything, but I get annoyed when people light up as soon as the show begins. Woodstock’s over, man. Save your weed for the next Country Joe show. No. 12: Medleys During a recent Chumash Casino show, I was disappointed to hear Lionel Richie sum up several key Commodore songs in a show choir-like medley. Come on, Lionel, I don’t want a 30-second sample of “Sweet Love” — I want it all. If you had crammed “Brick House” into that medley, I might have had to rush the stage. No. 11: The never-ending song Sure, you want to see talented musicians cut their chops. But I heard that the Allman Brothers recently played a 35-minute version of “Jessica,” and that’s just nuts. If I hear a song that lasts longer than 10 minutes, that’s my queue for a bathroom break. Which leads to … No. 10: The long bathroom road Simply put, I can’t enjoy a show with a full bladder. If a venue holds 10,000 people and sells beer, I don’t think it’s outrageous to expect that venue to have 10,000 restroom stalls. No. 9: Standing room only When I go to a concert, I want to see the performers — not the hairy neck of the ogre in front of me. Besides, standing for two hours is torture. When Coldplay played the Chronicle Pavillion a couple of years ago, the crowd refused to sit — even for the solo piano ballads! So I finally gave in and sat on the grass, where I stared at ankles the rest of the night. No. 8: “With special guests …” A few years ago, I busted my hump trying to get to the Santa Barbara Bowl after work, hoping I wouldn’t miss any of the Chris Isaak show. Turned out I could’ve ridden a mule and still made it on time, because there were two opening acts. In the best of all possible worlds, an opening act can be a bonus. (I’ve seen both Lenny Kravitz and Robert Cray as openers.) But the opening act has to match the main event. So when Hank Williams III opened with screaming country-metal for the crooning Isaak, I was screaming for a moratorium on openers. No. 7: Nokia updates If your teenage boyfriend wants to hear Weezer live, I suggest he pay for a ticket — or find a good bootleg. But I don’t want to hear you doing a play-by-play of the show while it’s in progress. While I’m at it, that thing where people raise their lit-up cell phones instead of lighters? Lame. No. 6: Obnoxious drunks When Morrissey played the Bowl in Santa Barbara, some drunk kept shouting, “HE’S FROM GUATEMALA!” over and over and over, making me wish I’d stayed home and watched “Everybody Loves Raymond” reruns. Obnoxious drunks spill beer on you, request “Free Bird” at every concert they go to, and shout stupid things like, “HE’S FROM GUATEMALA!” For the record — Morrissey’s English. No. 5: Sing-alongs In 2002 there was a funny “Saturday Night Live” sketch where Matt Damon played a Boston teenager at a Bruce Springsteen concert. As Springsteen is about to hit the stage, Damon’s character turns around and shouts, “I don’t want to hear any of you drunks sing along to ‘Thunder Road’ in my ear! I came here to see the Boss — not the shipping department at Circuit City!” Fans who insist on singing other people’s hits need to save their caterwauling for karaoke night at the Otter Rock Café. When I go to a concert, I want to hear the famous person. No. 4: Key omissions At last year’s fair, I really wished Tom Petty would have sung “American Girl” instead of his cover of that bloated oldie, “Gloria.” But, for some reason, musicians often ignore their best songs in concert. This brings me to a couple of other points: If you’re an old act, we don’t want to hear lots of new stuff. And if you’re embarrassed by your one big hit, too bad — sing it. Your need to feel currently relevant is outweighed by our desire to hear “Who Let the Dogs Out” live. No. 3: Mangled hits We’ve come to expect Bob Dylan to mumble his famous lyrics like a man with a wired jaw. But when I saw him in Indianapolis a few years ago, he’d changed the songs so much I couldn’t even recognize the choruses. I understand switching things up a bit — at least it proves the artist isn’t lip-synching. But come on, Bob — there’s a reason we like “Rainy Day Women.” Don’t mangle it just because you’re bored with it. No. 2: The hit and run When James Brown played the Chumash, I swear he started winding down a half hour into the show. I realize the guy’s a little long in the tooth, but with today’s exorbitant ticket prices (see No. 15), people need to get their money’s worth, which entails either 1.) at least two hours of performing or 2.) autographed guitars for everyone. No. 1: Encores Someone please stop this awful tradition. You pay 40 to 60 bucks to see a concert, and when the band has played the set you’re supposed to beg them to come back onstage for one more lousy song. Then maybe — if you clap until your hands hurt — they might grace you with their return. So please, famous artists. We paid good money for your show. Don’t make us beg to hear “Bennie and the Jets.”
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