Been mugged or burgled? Well, don't consider yourself a victim of crime. To the police, you're actually a "customer".

 

It is one of a string of examples of needless police jargon - or "ploddledygook" - which should be ditched, according to the Plain English Campaign.

 

Force control rooms have been given the futuristic title "Citizen Focus Command". And it's not just constables, sergeants and inspectors working at force HQ anymore. Expect to find an office set aside for the Head of Protective Services, Head of Citizen Focus, Director of Criminal Justice Change and - most intriguing of all - the Director of Knowledge Architecture.

 

The PEC said that enough was enough and, Life on Mars-style, it was time to go back to a time when police were blunt about their business: catching criminals.

 

There are, say its officials, simply too many examples of police forces being "customer-led", having "mission statements", giving officers "ludicrous job titles" and "pointlessly stating the blindingly obvious".

 

"I think 'ploddledygook' is the term to describe it," said a PEC spokeswoman.

 

"The police have always had their own language. In the past we might have thought of Pc Plod with his flat feet, proceeding a westerly direction, saying 'ello, 'ello, 'ello, what 'ave we got 'ere then?' It was endearing.

 

"But now police force websites talk about 'customers' and 'end games' and 'mission statements', or have slogans saying things like 'our focus is you'.

 

 

"We know what police officers are and what they do. They do what it says on the badge.

 

"They don't to need to waste their time calling us 'customers' or telling us that we are their 'focus' or what their 'mission' is."

 

Some of the police jargon is well-known. Many forces now, for example, insist on taking a "holistic" approach - which must be a major consolation when a housebreaker has just made-off with your new flat-screen television.

 

And Met boss Ian Blair memorably spent thousands of pounds adding the word "together" to the force's logo. It created the slogan "Working Together for a Safer London".

 

But it seems the craze has stretched far and wide. Examples picked out by the PEC include:

 

* Suffolk Police titling their senior officers as Head of Protective Services, Director of Criminal Justice Change and Director of Knowledge Architecture.

 

* Norfolk Police's description of its control room as "Citizen Focus Command".

 

* The same force describing its latest uniform as a 'wicking' shirt and a "blouson".

 

* Essex Police's website declaring: "We strive to always put the customer first."

 

* A Humberside Police press release saying burglaries were caused by "insecurities".

 

Even a few unpleasant home truths were disguised by management babble, the respected campaign group said.

 

An Essex Police press release, headed "Putting you First", said "There are 47 police stations in Essex: 12 of which are open around the clock."

 

The PEC said: "The opposite of what most people would conclude. Isn't it saying, sorry, nearly 75 per cent of police stations are not open after 5pm?"

 

Matthew Elliott, chief executive of the Taxpayers' Alliance, said it was an "offshoot of the management-speak" used in local government and government departments.

 

He added: "It's as if there's some machine turning out crazy management-speak. All this 'ploddledygook' might be funny, but there's a serious side.

 

"If police forces are spending time and wasting public money churning out this sort of rubbish it's no wonder they have problems.

 

"It's very simple. People want coppers to come when they're called and to catch criminals."

 

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=559431&in_page_id=1770

It's gone mad