"Lawyers typically aren't funny -- unless by accident." Case in point: The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide...

 

Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

----------

Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

----------

Q: What happened then?

A: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'

Q: Did he kill you?

Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

----------

The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

----------

Were you alone or by yourself?

----------

How long have you been a French Canadian?

----------

Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

----------

Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.

A: That's me.

Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

----------

Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

----------

Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

----------

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?

A: I'll be three months on November 8.

Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?

A: Yes.

Q: What were you doing at that time?

----------

Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?

A: I used to be.

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

----------

So you were gone until you returned?

----------

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there girls?

----------

You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

----------

Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?

A: Yes.

Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

----------

Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?

A: Not yet.

----------

A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

----------

Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the rose Chapel?

A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?

A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!

----------

Attorney's Questions

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

 

Judge: I know you, don't I?

Defendant: Uh, yes.

Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?

Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?

Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.

Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.

---------

From a defendant representing himself.....

Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?

Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.

Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.

---------

Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant?

Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.

---------

Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?

Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.

Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.

Juror: That's not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at birth too.

---------

Lawyer questioning his client on the witness stand:

Plaintiff's Lawyer: What doctor treated you for the injuries you sustained while at work?

Plaintiff: Dr. J.

Plaintiff's Lawyer: And what kind of physician is Dr. J?

Plaintiff: Well, I'm not sure, but I remember that you said he was a good plaintiff's doctor.

---------

Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?

Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.

Judge: Can't they do without you at work?

Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.

---------

Lawyer: Tell us about the fight.

Witness: I didn't see no fight.

Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see.

Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men swung around and changed partners, they would slap each other, and one fellow hit harder than the other one liked, and so the other one hit back and somebody pulled a knife and a rifle that had been hidden under a bed, and the air was filled with yelling and smoke and bullets.

Lawyer: You, too were shot in the fracas?

Witness: No sir, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

---------

Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.

Judge: And why is that?

Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.

Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have a comment on the defendant's motion?

Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.

---------

Judge: Please identify yourself for the record.

Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.

Judge: What does the 'Colonel' stand for?

Defendant: Well, it's kinda like the 'Honorable' in front of your name - not a damn thing.

---------

Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkenness. Have you anything to say in your defense?

Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?

---------

Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): Can I address the court?

Judge: Of course.

Defendant: If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do?

Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in jail.

Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?

Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law against thinking.

Defendant: In that case, I think you're a son of a bitch.

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

that's great!

I should have shot you while I had the chance!!1

 

:cool:

:lol:

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

You just made my day!! :lol:

:lol: Bwahahahahahaa

hey! the other jokes thead isn't a 'musiclover's jokes thread'! :P So you can post on there as well u know :rolleyes: :P

:lol: You sure love advertising that jokes thread :kiss: :D

:embarrased: :/