bart Posted July 1, 2004 Share Posted July 1, 2004 A thread for jokes post your jokes here :rolleyes: :lol: here is mine Just a few gems about England. Saddam Hussain has his trial today and has stated that he is expecting to face a harsh penalty. The only problem is that Beckham is taking it Q: Why aren't the England football team allowed to own a dog? A: Because they can't hold on to a lead. Q: What's the difference between the England team and a tea-bag? A: The tea-bag stays in the cup longer. Oxo were going to bring out a Euro 2004 Commemorative cube painted red, white and blue in honour of the England squad. But it was a laughing stock and crumbled in the box. Q: Why do English make better lovers than Portuguese/Germans? A: Because English are the only one's who can stay on top for 45 Minutes and still come second! Q: What is common between a 3 pin plug and the England football team? A: They are both useless in Europe! Q: What's the difference between O J Simpson and England? A: OJ Simpson had a more credible defence! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DoogieJ Posted July 1, 2004 Share Posted July 1, 2004 > > > Two fish swim into a concrete wall. > > > > One turns to the other and says "dam" > > > > ********** > > > > Two peanuts walk into a bar > > > > One was a salted. > > > > ********** > > > > A jump-lead walks into a bar. > > > > The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." > > > > ********** > > > > A sandwich walks into a bar. > > > > The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here." > > > > ********** > > > > > > A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and > > says: > > > > "A beer please, and one for the road." > > > > ********** > > > > Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. > > > > The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant. > > > > ********* > > > > Two cannibals are eating a clown. > > > > One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?" > > > > ********** > > > > "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'." > > > > "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." > > > > "Is it common?" > > > > "It's not unusual." > > > > ********** > > > > Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to > > Dolly > > > > "I was artificially inseminated this morning." > > > > "I don't believe you," said Dolly. > > > > "It's true, no bull!" > > > > ********** > > > > Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. > > > > One says, "I've lost my electron." > > > > The other says, "Are you sure?" > > > > The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..." > > > > ********** > > > > DejaMoo: The feeling that you've heard this bullsh#tbefore > > > > ********** > > > > A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, > > > > "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " > > > > "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" > > > > So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his > > teeth. > > > > Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." > > > > "What?Because he's cross-eyed?" > > > > "No, because he's really heavy" > > > > ********** > > > > I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I > > couldn't > > find any. > > > > ********** > > > > I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that > > > > he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. > > > > And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.' > > > > ********** > > > > My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. > > > > He was pulled in by a strong currant. > > > > ********* > > > > Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van > > > > covered with nuts & hundreds and thousands. > > > > Police say that he topped himself. > > > > ********** > > > > What do you call a fish with no eyes? > > > > A fsh > > > > ********** > > > > Two fish are in a tank > > > > One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive" > > Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
musiclover Posted July 1, 2004 Share Posted July 1, 2004 hey! I had made a big thread of jokes...let's revive that one!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mimixxx Posted July 1, 2004 Share Posted July 1, 2004 Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to > > Dolly > > > > "I was artificially inseminated this morning." > > > > "I don't believe you," said Dolly. > > > > "It's true, no bull!" :lol: :lol: I like this one Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angel at his table Posted July 1, 2004 Share Posted July 1, 2004 :lol: I can't post any jokes....'cos you won't laugh :sneaky: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skinned Alive Posted July 1, 2004 Share Posted July 1, 2004 An egg and a sausage are in a frying pan. The sausage turns to the egg and says "it's hot in here isn't it?" The egg says "Aaah! A talking sausage!" --------------- A rabbit goes into a butcher's and asks "Got any lettuce?" "No," the butcher says "this is a butcher's, we don't serve lettuce." So the rabbit leaves. Later, he comes back and asks "Got any lettuce?" "I told you before," the butcher said "we're a butchers! We don't have any lettuce!". The rabbit leaves. Then he comes back a third time and asks "Got any lettuce?" "I've told you twice already we don't have any lettuce." The butcher shouted. "If you ask me for lettuce again I'm going to nail you to the wall. Understand?" The rabbit leaves Later, he comes back again. "Got any nails?" he asks. "No," the butcher replies. "Got any lettuce?" --------------- Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angel at his table Posted July 1, 2004 Share Posted July 1, 2004 :lol: :lol: :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
musiclover Posted July 1, 2004 Share Posted July 1, 2004 :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeff Gordon Posted July 1, 2004 Share Posted July 1, 2004 :lol: :lol: :lol: how do u keep a turkey in suspense? :lol: :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DoogieJ Posted July 1, 2004 Share Posted July 1, 2004 how? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeff Gordon Posted July 1, 2004 Share Posted July 1, 2004 DoogieJ, :lol: :lol: I'll tell u tomorrow :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DoogieJ Posted July 1, 2004 Share Posted July 1, 2004 bah i wanna know now :P Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kettercat Posted July 1, 2004 Share Posted July 1, 2004 A thread for jokes post your jokes here :rolleyes: :lol: here is mine Just a few gems about England. Saddam Hussain has his trial today and has stated that he is expecting to face a harsh penalty. The only problem is that Beckham is taking it Q: Why aren't the England football team allowed to own a dog? A: Because they can't hold on to a lead. Q: What's the difference between the England team and a tea-bag? A: The tea-bag stays in the cup longer. Oxo were going to bring out a Euro 2004 Commemorative cube painted red, white and blue in honour of the England squad. But it was a laughing stock and crumbled in the box. Q: Why do English make better lovers than Portuguese/Germans? A: Because English are the only one's who can stay on top for 45 Minutes and still come second! Q: What is common between a 3 pin plug and the England football team? A: They are both useless in Europe! Q: What's the difference between O J Simpson and England? A: OJ Simpson had a more credible defence! :lol: :lol: :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skinned Alive Posted July 1, 2004 Share Posted July 1, 2004 Three men arrive at the gates of heaven. A man walks up to greet them, and says "sorry, but heaven's getting pretty crowded at the moment. Only people who have died in the most horrific ways can get in, so now I want you each to tell me how you died." The first man begins to tell his story... "I'd been suspecting my wife was cheating on me for a long time, so one day I made sure I got home early from the office. I walked into the bedroom to find her naked in bed. I asked her where he was but she insisted she didn't know who I was talking about. I searched the whole apartment and found him hanging off the balcony. So I started stepping on his hands. Soon enough, he fell to his death on the floor below. In a fit of rage, I then picked up the refrigerator and threw it over the balcony as well. Then, I had a heart attack and died." "That's horrible!" says the man at the gates "You can definitely come into heaven." The second man then tells his story... "I was doing my daily naked exercises on the balcony, when I slipped and fell over the edge. I luckily managed to grab onto the balcony in the apartment below. I was hanging for at least ten minutes, when finally a man came onto the balcony. I thought I was saved, but he started to tread on my hands! Eventually I fell and landed in the bushes below. I was in agony, but thankfully I was still alive, until a refrigerator came out of nowhere and crushed me" "That's even worse than the first story!" replies the man. "You're in for sure!" Then he turns to the third man... "All right, picture this... I'm naked, and I'm hiding in a refridgerator." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kaser_100 Posted July 2, 2004 Share Posted July 2, 2004 Aaah, I'm sorry guys, but u have really bad jokes :confused: :/ I even can't say which one made me feel more boring :angry: Now I understand what people say about english jokes... Luv u all, see ya all the next week :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
musiclover Posted July 2, 2004 Share Posted July 2, 2004 Photons have mass, and I didn't even know they were Catholic! :idea2: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
About A Girl Posted July 2, 2004 Share Posted July 2, 2004 I was at the mall and I had just finished Christmas shopping for all of my friends and family. When I walked outside and noticed a small boy crying in a corner. I went over to him: "what's wrong?" I asked. He replied very softly,"My mom gave me 2 hundred dollar bills to buy presents for my 12 brothers and sisters, but I lost one of the bills and now there isnt enough to buy everyone a gift. I don't know what I'm gonna do!" "Well did you ask for help?" Again he said softly, "Yes but no one would help me." "What did you say?" In a very faint whisper he replied, "help me." It was then that I realized that no one could hear this boy so i took the other $100 bill and ran... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MAFE Posted July 2, 2004 Share Posted July 2, 2004 I know jokes only in spanish....here one... Papá!.. ¡Papá!.. >En el colegio me pidieron que para mañana explique la diferencia entre 'potencialmente' y 'realmente'. >-Bueno... Pregúntale a tu madre si se acostaría con otro hombre por un millón de euros... >Y el niño obedece: >-Mamá, ¿te acostarías con otro hombre por un millón de euros? >-¡Por supuesto! >-¡Papá!.. ¡Papá!.. ¡Dijo que sí! >-Bueno... Ahora Pregúntale a tu hermana. >-María, ¿te acostarías con un hombre por un millón de euros? >-¡Claro que sí! >-¡Papá!.. ¡Papá!.. ¡también dijo que sí! >-¿Ves?.. Potencialmente tenemos dos millones de euros, pero realmente sólo tenemos un par de putas > Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angel at his table Posted July 2, 2004 Share Posted July 2, 2004 well...I really understand Mafe :dozey: :lol: but never mind :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angel at his table Posted July 2, 2004 Share Posted July 2, 2004 I know czech jokes :sneaky: -Jdou dvě sušenky přes silnici a ta jedna řekne té druhé: "Pojď a nedrob!"- haha :dozey: Letí dva balonky pouští a jeden říká: "Hele, kaktusssssss...." A druhý: "Kde ho vidíšššššššš....." :P Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MAFE Posted July 3, 2004 Share Posted July 3, 2004 oh god!!! i didn't understand nothing Ivi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angel at his table Posted July 3, 2004 Share Posted July 3, 2004 :lol: i know....don't worry 'cos these jokes are stupid :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
musiclover Posted July 7, 2004 Share Posted July 7, 2004 About a Girl...that was mean!! :stunned: :P :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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