ere are some helpful tips for everyday life.

 

 

1) If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a

jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is

almost instantly removed.

2) Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting

someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3) Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding

at people as they walk up the aisle.

4) Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the

chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying them in the first

place.

5) Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by

pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

6) Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own

home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach,

then urinating into it, before jumping in.

7) Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and

slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

8) X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by

drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange

place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously

'erased'.

9) Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand

closer to what you want to look at.

10) Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the

fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

11) Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the

direction of oncoming traffic. Even if you are hit from a vehicle coming

at you in the wrong direction you have instantly won a prosecution and

can sue the driver for loads of cash! Every cloud....

12) Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

13) Anorexics, when your knees become fatter than your legs, start

eating cakes again.

14) A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal

coathanger in an emergency.

15) Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege, the risk of arrest,

imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight that is

going to your actual destination in the first place. The staff at the desks

are quite good for asking which plane to get on.

16) An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an

inexpensive vibrator.

17) Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic

steroids by running a bit slower.

18) Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by

simply pis*ing in the sink.

19) Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar

by buying one of those Nell McAndrew workout videos.

20) Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of

steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn,

meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know

any difference.

21) Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you have

been made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about

yours, and ask for a nice big steak.

22) Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your

missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the

wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.

23) Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment

always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the

garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of

the stain and check that it has gone.

24) Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of

cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.

25) High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a

while thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

26) Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your

windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red

lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets.

27) Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping

your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.

28) Have all your dumps at work. Not only will you save money on toilet

paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

29) Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your

car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem

cars anyway, so it may as well look like one.

30) A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you

from going back to sleep.

:lol: :lol: :lol:

 

I like them....especially the Nissan Micra one :lol:

:) :wink3:

:lol: tres amusant :cool:

good ones and funny :lol:

what a tips! :stunned: :sneaky:

A lot of tips! :confused:

:lol: :lol: