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What are you thinking right now?


*Justine*

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someone just told me i am the perfect size and they wish every girl was my size :| but they were also drunk :disappointed:

 

i think i'm starting to come to terms with the fact that i really am built like this--broad shoulders, wide hips, wide rib cage--and there are people who will see that, or see past it, or not see it at all, and there are people who will use it to tear me down, like they used to...even at my fittest, i wasn't good enough. that is fucking damaging, to work your ass off, but still be so chubby and called out for it...how do my hip bones stick out when i'm so chubby?

 

i should probably play some soccer to at least strengthen and tone my legs again, even if it is bulky manly muscle...at least it won't be fat. i miss being strong. even though i'm losing the muscle and slimming a little, i want to be strong again. i don't need to impress anyone. i just need to be who i want to be. i don't want to be weak or look weak anymore, because that's not me. not now.

 

everyone thinks there's something wrong with them, but usually, it's just in their heads...maybe it's all in mine, too, and i'm beautiful, or even just adequate, and that would be enough for me...

 

i'm reading pro-ana stuff and feeling bad for the mothers who buy their daughters their favorite foods to get them to eat, and the girls secretly throwing it out and cursing their mothers...when i was young, there was hardly any food...let alone my favorite foods...

 

i tried everything to get myself to feel perfect or good enough, but i'm starting to realize it's not possible...this is something i need to let go.

 

i'm not the victim anymore.

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