a collection of Mitch Hedberg:

 

"Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck."

 

"I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others."

 

"I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because then I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zip it up real quick?"

 

"One time a guy handed me a picture of himself, and he said, 'Here's a picture of me when I was younger.' Every picture of you is of when you were younger. Here's a picture of me when I am older. You son of a bitch, how'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera..."

 

"Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It is very dangerous to wave to people you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. 'Look what I got motherfucker, this thing is useful...I'm gonna go pick something up'"

 

"I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it."

 

"2-in-1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created."

 

"I have a friend who is a juggler. When I go to his house I don't like to take food from him if it is in threes. 'He has three apples left...I guess I can't have one'"

"A good friend will bail you out of jail, but your best friend will be the one sitting next to you saying 'That was fucking awesome!'"