Hi everyone, I'd like to take part in an English contest. My task is to write a short story up to 1500 words, the subject is "Dreams that may come true". I've written some stories, but they suck and I think I need someone else's help. I mean, you may have some good ideas for my story, or another idea for a story...

Could you help me and correct the mistakes, please? :wacko:

 

Thanks a lot for reading. I really appreciate your help ;)

 

This is my story:

 

Hi, my name is ............ I live in Bristol. I'm a girl like any other. I have dreams like any other. One of them is quite different though.

My mum lef me and my father when I was one year old. Since then my father has been raising me on his own. When I was younger, we didn't talk about her. But I knew she was somewhere out there. Now, when I'm 17, I'm quite curious about her. What was she like? Why did she left us? I decided to find her. One day I encouraged myself and asked dad.

"Um, dad, I was thinking a lot and I think I'd like to meet my mother," I said.

He didn't look any surprised. I think he's been awating this question, sooner or later.

"Are you sure? Well, I think you are old enough to make your own decision. I must confess that she gave me her address when she was moving away. I'm not sure if she's still there though," he replied.

"Really? Where did she go?"

"According to the address, she might live in Prague, the capital of the Czech republic."

I was confused and excited.

"Why did she go to Prague? It's... " I didn't know what to say, all I knew about Prague was that it's somewhere in Central Europe and a lot of my friends go there for holidays because it's cheap and they sell really good beer there.

"What does she do there?" I continued.

"I think she owns and English pub. You know, she sells all the traditional food and drinks there, like black tea, beer, fish and chips, vinegar chips and stuff. It's a well-known pub - she called it "The White Lion". Don't you know it?"

I realized that my friends have told me something about this pub. I didn't anticipate it was my mum's.

"Would you like to go there?" dad cut off my thoughtwave.

"I'm not sure yet. However, it would be an interesting experience for me. The meeting as well as the voyage. Give me some time. I'll think about it."

He nodded and I went to my room to think about Prague. I sat at the computer, found the Google site and started to look for some pictures of Prague. It seemed like a very nice city to me. Friends of mine go there every year, it must be great there! I decided to phone my best friend and tell her about my plans. She agreed, she also wanted to see the important monuments of Prague and visit the famous pub. We set up the exact date of our travel. In two months, I was trunking my things and saying goodbye to my father.

During the flight I was thinking about my mother. In fact, she's a completely unknown woman for me. I decided not to talk to her as her daughter, but as any other girl from the UK. I had prepared a letter for her as well.

In a few hours I was standing at the airport, reading Czech signs. I couldn't understand a single word. At that moment, I was admiring my mother, because she had to speak at least a little Czech. The day after we decided to visit "The White Lion". My friend didn't suspect the owner to be my mother.

We entered the pub. It looked really nice, and expensive. I saw a tall woman with hazel hair, aged 35 or so, standing behind the bar. It must have been clear she was my mother, but my friend didn't say anything. I couldn't believe my eyes! I've finally met my mother! I finally understood why my dad haven't found any girlfirend yet. My mother was so beautiful, no other woman would be like her.

We sat and ordered some drinks. Then I encouraged myself and asked her if she was English.

"Yes," she replied, "I used to live in Bristol 16 years ago. I'm happier here."

"Why did you move away? What about your family?"

"Well, I did have a daughter. A baby. But I needed a change and the babysitting had been driving me crazy. I couldn't stand it any more, so I went here," she continued. This answer really surprised me. I didn't expect anything like this.

" I see," I replied with a blank face.

I understood she didn't even miss me or regret leaving me. I knew that if I gave her the letter, it would be absolutely pointless. I was pretty sad, but "c'est la vie". Me and my friend stayed in Prague for another week and we really enjoyed it. We saw Charles' bridge, Wax Museum, The Castle... When I came back, dad was curious about the meeting.

"What was she like?" he asked.

"You know, she was so beautiful and awesome. She looked really happy there. And the pub was also nice. I think she didn't even recognise me though."

He didn't say anything. I knew he was sad. And so was I. She destroyed my view of her. But now I know that not everyone is the way we imagine him/her to be.

So, I can say my dream came true. I met my mother and discovered what she was really like. Although she didn't talk to me like to a daughter, and she didn't recognised me. It was a nice experience.

i liked it Magda ;)

interesting. :) i like it.

Are you sure, girls? :P

Any ideas how to improve it?? :D

nice story

Oh God, people, don't tell me you have no ideas how to improve it! Help me, please :lol:

There are quite a few spelling/grammatical errors I can help you with later. When is it due?

There are quite a few spelling/grammatical errors I can help you with later. When is it due?

 

 

That would be perfect, thanks a lot, Briggs :wacky:

 

It should be sent until March 25th, but we should correct it sooner.. This weekend or next week would be alright?

This nearly brought me to tears.

The story is excellent

 

Firstly I can not make any comments about the Grammar. My written english is poor despite me coming from the UK.

 

The story itself though is sad, I felt really sorry for the girl and she was lucky to have such a strong Dad.

 

For me it was just my mum and I, my Dad left when I was 8, to be honest I dont think about it that much, but I understand the hurt, of what that type of rejection would feel like....

 

I liked though despite this she remained positive for bother herself and her friend, and they went on to have a good time in Prauge

 

Prauge is truly a beatiful city.. and no words can be written that can compare it with any other. I will hope to return and share the place with someone very special.

 

Good luck with your English ... ! You write better than me ! ...... :)

This nearly brought me to tears.

The story is excellent

 

Firstly I can not make any comments about the Grammar. My written english is poor despite me coming from the UK.

 

The story itself though is sad, I felt really sorry for the girl and she was lucky to have such a strong Dad.

 

For me it was just my mum and I, my Dad left when I was 8, to be honest I dont think about it that much, but I understand the hurt, of what that type of rejection would feel like....

 

I liked though despite this she remained positive for bother herself and her friend, and they went on to have a good time in Prauge

 

Prauge is truly a beatiful city.. and no words can be written that can compare it with any other. I will hope to return and share the place with someone very special.

 

Good luck with your English ... ! You write better than me ! ...... :)

 

 

Oooh, thank you very much, Bart! :)

Well I'm not sure if the grammar's alright, 'cause it seemed quite easy to me.. :lol:

 

Anyway, I'm sorry for you and your mum. It was always just me and my mum, 'cause they divorced when I was half a year or so. I don't remember him at all, I've never met him. I think it was quite difficult for my mum, but we've been living with my grandparents since that age so she always had someone to take care of me, when she had to go to work. Now she found a new husband, they've been together for 4 years or so, and they both are very satisfied. I'm happy to see her like this :)

A friend of mine told me that I need some more action, like that Dad told her her mother was dead and suddenly she realized that her mother's not dead and that she started to look for her... Or something like that...

Dont change it... its perfect as it is..

However you will need help with the grammar etc..

 

You have been very simple, but its very to the point in capturing the girls feelings.

 

However its is up to you

good luck again !

 

If you was to say her dad said she died, it would make it complicated, and in this her dad has been shown as a real hero and someone who has been a rock of support for all her life. It would be a pity to take this away, in the story her dad was a character who played a key role in the story and its meaning coming accross the way it did..

Great story. I'll look over the grammar tomorrow because i'm somewhat busy tonight, but it was a great read.

Hi, my name is ............ I live in Bristol. I'm a girl like any other. I have dreams like any other. One of them is quite different though.

My mum left me and my father when I was one year old. Since then my father has been raising me on his own. When I was younger, we didn't talk about her. But I knew she was somewhere out there. Now, I'm seventeen and quite curious about her. What was she like? Why did she leave us? I decided to find her. One day I encouraged myself and asked dad.

"Um, dad, I was thinking a lot and I think I'd like to meet my mother," I said.

He didn't look at all surprised. I think he's been awaiting this question, sooner or later.

"Are you sure? Well, I think you are old enough to make your own decision. I must confess that she gave me her address when she was moving away. I'm not sure if she's still there though," he replied.

"Really? Where did she go?"

"According to the address, she might live in Prague, the capital of the Czech Republic."

I was confused yet excited.

"Why did she go to Prague? It's... " I didn't know what to say, all I knew about Prague was that it's somewhere in Central Europe and a lot of my friends go there for holidays because it's cheap and they sell really good beer there.

"What does she do there?" I continued.

"I think she owns and English pub. You know, she sells all the traditional food and drinks there, like black tea, beer, fish and chips, vinegar chips and stuff. It's a well-known pub - she called it "The White Lion". Don't you know it?"

I realized that my friends have told me something about this pub. I didn't anticipate it was my mum's.

"Would you like to go there?" dad cut off my thoughtwave.

"I'm not sure yet. However, it would be an interesting experience for me. The meeting as well as the voyage. Give me some time. I'll think about it."

He nodded and I went to my room to think about Prague. I sat at the computer, found the Google site and started to look for some pictures of Prague. It seemed like a very nice city to me. Friends of mine go there every year, it must be great there! I decided to phone my best friend and tell her about my plans. She agreed, she also wanted to see the important monuments of Prague and visit the famous pub. We set up the exact date of our travel. In two months, I was trunking my things and saying goodbye to my father.

During the flight I was thinking about my mother. In fact, she's a completely unknown woman for me. I decided not to talk to her as her daughter, but as any other girl from the UK. I had prepared a letter for her as well.

In a few hours I was standing at the airport, reading Czech signs. I couldn't understand a single word. At that moment, I was admiring my mother, because she had to speak at least a little Czech. The day after we decided to visit "The White Lion". My friend didn't suspect the owner to be my mother.

We entered the pub. It looked really nice (no comma) and expensive. I saw a tall woman with hazel hair, aged 35 or so, standing behind the bar. It must have been clear she was my mother, but my friend didn't say anything. I couldn't believe my eyes! I've finally met my mother! I finally understood why my dad hasn't found any girlfirend yet. My mother was so beautiful, no other woman would be like her.

We sat and ordered some drinks. Then I encouraged myself and asked her if she was English.

"Yes," she replied, "I used to live in Bristol 16 years ago. I'm happier here."

"Why did you move away? What about your family?"

"Well, I did have a daughter. A baby. But I needed a change and the babysitting had been driving me crazy. I couldn't stand it any more, so I went here," she continued. This answer really surprised me. I didn't expect anything like this.

"I see," I replied with a blank face.

I understood she didn't even miss me or regret leaving me. I knew that if I gave her the letter, it would be absolutely pointless. I was pretty sad, but "c'est la vie". My friend and I stayed in Prague for another week and we really enjoyed it. We saw Charles' bridge, the Wax Museum, The Castle... When I came back, my dad was curious about the meeting.

"What was she like?" he asked.

"You know, she was so beautiful and awesome. She looked really happy there. And the pub was also nice. I think she didn't even recognize me though."

He didn't say anything. I knew he was sad. And so was I. She destroyed my view of her. But now I know that not everyone is the way we imagine him/her to be.

So, I can say my dream came true. I met my mother and discovered what she was really like. Although she didn't talk to me like to a daughter, and she didn't recognize me, it was still a nice experience.

 

The obvious mistakes are bolded. There may be more, but i'm not a grammar expert. They do not put enough of an emphasis on grammar in school here. Anyway, good job:)

Thanks a lot :)

Does anyone have an idea for the title of the story?

"The white lion "

for a title.. I dont know

Well yeah, that would be quite good... Cause they wouldn't know what it's going to be about just from the title, and then they'll understand.

good luck... !

 

I passed this on to a friend... she was very impressed. ! your story I mean !

good luck... !

 

I passed this on to a friend... she was very impressed. ! your story I mean !

 

 

really?? cool :)

thanks a lot for everything you've told me about the story and stuff. i really appreciate it ;)

^_^

 

Good.....Good..