May 10, 200422 yr yeah so i wrote this in class for my poetry unit. it's a "ballad" according to what we learnt. and lines 2 and 4 need to rhyme so yeah... Their dad walked in, drunk again So they hid behind the couch He looked around the room for them He knew his children would crouch. Tears streaming down their cheeks They wanted to keep their mouths shut He stopped in front of the couch for a sec He was about to walk away but… He heard a whimper Soft at first Increasing in volume Soon the child would burst. The twin of the brother, Whimpering away, Put his hand’s over the mouth next to him To stop the whimpering this day. But the father had heard That soft whimper behind the couch And hit his small children Making them scream ouch. After the pounding, the kicking, and screaming The father looked at his children in disgust “You’ll never amount to anything,” he said, “You are lower than dust.” One last look, he packed his things Just before he walked away He turned and said those terrible words, “I never want to see you again,” So he turned around and walked to the door, and left the family that day. Problems arose; they need him, and his money Who would support them and pay the bills? They didn’t want to think about it, It gave them chills. A few years later, after the hardships and pain The twins sing and play. Singing about that terrible man, Singing about that fateful day. Benji and Joel, Are famous at last They have amounted to something But they can’t forget their past. On this day their father turned on the TV Watching while his twins sing back to him All of their anger put into song All their songs about him. any comments or suggestions?
May 10, 200422 yr Author very long :lol: i knew someone would say that! lazy people! :P it's actually not that long...even though i did double of what i was supposed to do.
May 11, 200422 yr I actually thought it was pretty good! :) At first I wasn't going to read it cause it was so long...but I decided to anyways
May 11, 200422 yr It's pretty good. I think you could get a good grade for it. Just one question -- in stanza 7, lines 3 + 4, can you get away with just doubling the line length like that??? I'm not sure whether you can or not, but then it's been a while since I learned about the "rules" of writing ballads. Anyway, yeah, pretty good.
May 11, 200422 yr Author It's pretty good. I think you could get a good grade for it. Just one question -- in stanza 7, lines 3 + 4, can you get away with just doubling the line length like that??? I'm not sure whether you can or not, but then it's been a while since I learned about the "rules" of writing ballads. Anyway, yeah, pretty good. yeah i need to ask my teacher about that. i think it's allowed, but i'll double check. and yeah, they are in a band. :lol:
May 11, 200422 yr Author i cant believe anyone read that whole thing :lol: it's not that long! :lol: :lol: it just looks longer by how it's spaced out.
May 11, 200422 yr nice :) I too think it's a bit long :D , but it's good. :idea2: Maybe we are used to quick short things, that's why we feel it's long.
May 15, 200422 yr That's a really nice peice of work :nice: You've got talent! :) Benji and Joel...aren't they in Good Charlotte?
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