yeah so i wrote this in class for my poetry unit. it's a "ballad" according to what we learnt.

and lines 2 and 4 need to rhyme so yeah...

 

Their dad walked in, drunk again

So they hid behind the couch

He looked around the room for them

He knew his children would crouch.

 

Tears streaming down their cheeks

They wanted to keep their mouths shut

He stopped in front of the couch for a sec

He was about to walk away but…

 

He heard a whimper

Soft at first

Increasing in volume

Soon the child would burst.

 

The twin of the brother,

Whimpering away,

Put his hand’s over the mouth next to him

To stop the whimpering this day.

 

But the father had heard

That soft whimper behind the couch

And hit his small children

Making them scream ouch.

 

After the pounding, the kicking, and screaming

The father looked at his children in disgust

“You’ll never amount to anything,” he said,

“You are lower than dust.”

 

One last look, he packed his things

Just before he walked away

He turned and said those terrible words, “I never want to see you again,”

So he turned around and walked to the door, and left the family that day.

 

Problems arose; they need him, and his money

Who would support them and pay the bills?

They didn’t want to think about it,

It gave them chills.

 

A few years later, after the hardships and pain

The twins sing and play.

Singing about that terrible man,

Singing about that fateful day.

 

Benji and Joel,

Are famous at last

They have amounted to something

But they can’t forget their past.

 

On this day their father turned on the TV

Watching while his twins sing back to him

All of their anger put into song

All their songs about him.

 

any comments or suggestions?

very long :stunned:

yeah :snore:

very long

 

:lol: i knew someone would say that!

lazy people! :P

it's actually not that long...even though i did double of what i was supposed to do.

I actually thought it was pretty good! :)

 

At first I wasn't going to read it cause it was so long...but I decided to anyways

Are Benji and Joel made up people?

*ahem*

ahem what?? :rolleyes:

:rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :P

arent they in a band :huh: :snore:

what band? Stop sleeping! :angry: :D

its just so fun :snore:

:dozey:

It's pretty good. I think you could get a good grade for it.

 

Just one question -- in stanza 7, lines 3 + 4, can you get away with just doubling the line length like that??? I'm not sure whether you can or not, but then it's been a while since I learned about the "rules" of writing ballads.

 

Anyway, yeah, pretty good.

nice

hahaha

easy john lennon

It's pretty good. I think you could get a good grade for it.

 

Just one question -- in stanza 7, lines 3 + 4, can you get away with just doubling the line length like that??? I'm not sure whether you can or not, but then it's been a while since I learned about the "rules" of writing ballads.

 

Anyway, yeah, pretty good.

 

yeah i need to ask my teacher about that. i think it's allowed, but i'll double check.

 

and yeah, they are in a band. :lol:

i cant believe anyone read that whole thing

i cant believe anyone read that whole thing

:lol:

it's not that long! :lol: :lol:

it just looks longer by how it's spaced out.

Wow... it was nice :) Very good... congratulations

nice :)

I too think it's a bit long :D , but it's good.

:idea2: Maybe we are used to quick short things, that's why we feel it's long.

Great work! You're much more talented than me, I see. ;)

Nice ballad Amanda, I hope you do well :)

I prefer odes.

 

ODE TO APPLE! :stunned:

That's a really nice peice of work :nice: You've got talent! :)

 

Benji and Joel...aren't they in Good Charlotte?