I've seen that many of us, coldplayers are bummed about sth so I've came up w/ an idea. Not original,though....

Anyways-if smn has some good jokes, please post. I wouldn't mind some laughter right now....

aww.... very true...

but the only jokes I know and find very funny are those about Dutch people...

and just because I'm dutch :P

Well, I know few about Scottish,but I wouldn't want to offend anyone here.

But, I find the funniest black humour...but I dunno does anyone else likes them or finds them unappropriate...?

I don't mind... and I seem to be the only one here atm :P

I know one really disgusting (AKA funny)...so it goes...

 

-Why did a girl fall off the swing?

 

-She doesn't have arms!

 

(I know it's completely unfair, but I couldn't help it! :)

hahahaha... i like jokes like that...

i think i'm the only one here who actually liked reilly's dead baby jokes a while ago :P

 

Did you see those btw?

Nope...dish!

My jokes are so sick sometimes..but it's ok :lol:

Although not all the people understand when i'm joking and when i'm not.

The baby jokes...sick but funny!

ITA!

So...you have any:sneaky:?

well..i only know some stupid jokes in finnish and it doesn't sound good at all in any other language. So no jokes :(

Awwwwwww....

-What's worse than 3 babies in one dumpster?

 

-One baby in three dumpsters.

my dog has no nose

A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman

standing alone. He approached her and asked her name.

 

"My name is Carmen," she told him.

 

"That's a beautiful name," he said. "Were you named for someone in your

family?"

 

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most

- cars and men. What's your name?"

 

"Beertits," he replied.

Tommy Cooper Jokes (sorry its been cut n pasted and looks shit and all)

 

1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of

them would have seen it.

 

2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy

marijuana, press the hash key..."

 

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for

shorts.

The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

 

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I

couldn't find any.

 

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that

he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

 

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him

in.

 

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

 

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

 

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in

the craft and it sank,

proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat

it.

 

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van

covered with hundreds and thousands.

Police say that he topped himself.

 

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his

head.

Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

 

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'

'Is it common?'

"It's not unusual."

 

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed,

is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have look at him."

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his

teeth.

Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?

"No, because he's really heavy"

 

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck

up my backside."

"How's that?"

"Don't you start."

 

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

 

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

 

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you

give me a lift?"

I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for

it.'

 

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.

There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.

It's either my mum or my dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my

younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu?

But I think its Colin.

 

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."

The other one says "So are you, you fat boy!"

 

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery

acid, and the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

 

21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.

They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking

Fine.'

So that was nice."

 

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in

several places."

The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

 

23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a

small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.

Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so

far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

 

24. A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the

Dog up and starts swinging it around his head.

Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?'

'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

 

25. "It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library

and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you.

But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins

in."

 

26. "He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your

trouser legs and put it in a library.

I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books."

 

27. "I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah."

I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"

 

28. "I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside

my house.'

He said 'I'm not stopping you.'"

 

29. "I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up

and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.

And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted

again. And I swerved again.

He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And

I went into a tree.

And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'

And I Said 'I careered off the road.'"

A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman

standing alone. He approached her and asked her name.

 

"My name is Carmen," she told him.

 

"That's a beautiful name," he said. "Were you named for someone in your

family?"

 

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most

- cars and men. What's your name?"

 

"Beertits," he replied.

 

 

:)

Loved those Tommy Cooper :laugh3: !

 

Beertits...I'd probably be named Coldfantasy....

- What does Wal-Mart, Zellers and Michael Jackson have in common?

- Boy's underwear half off.

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces,

"If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

 

:lol:

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

 

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times...When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed,you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

 

"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

 

"I think you're bad luck, why don't you fuck off?"

That one's brilliant :laugh3: !

Three men were drinking at a bar -- a doctor, an attorney

and a biker. As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said, "For

her birthday, I'm going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring.

This way, if she doesn't like the fur coat she will still love me

because she got a diamond ring."

As the attorney was drinking his martini he said, "For my wife's

birthday, I'm going to buy her a designer dress and a gold bracelet.

This way, if she doesn't like the dress she will still love me because

she got the gold bracelet."

As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he said, "I'm going to

buy my wife a T-shirt and a vibrator. This way, if she doesn't like

the T-shirt she can go fuck herself!"

 

:lol:

A motorist, on his way home from work in Westminster, came to a dead halt in traffic, thinking to himself, "Wow! the traffic seems much worse than usual."

 

After a while, he noticed a policeman walking towards him, between the lines of stationery traffic. He rolled down his window and said "Excuse me officer, what's the hold-up?"

 

The constable replied "It's the Prime Minister, Mr Tony Blair sir, he's depressed. He has stopped his car and is threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself on fire.

He is protesting that nobody believes his stories; about why we went to war in Iraq, that there is no pension crisis and no worsening economy.

He doesn't understand why the public doesn't believe that all the stealth taxes are so necessary and that our education is first-class.

He's screaming that the NHS is safe in his hands, that the immigration policies are working well, that he is not George Bush's lapdog, the proposed tax cuts will not help only his wealthy and titled cronies and that his recent chairmanship of the EU has only resulted in more power being handed to the French ...... So, we're taking up a collection for him".

 

Thoughtfully, the motorist asked "How much have you collected so far?"

 

The officer replies "About forty gallons sir but a lot of people are still siphoning."

A motorist, on his way home from work in Westminster, came to a dead halt in traffic, thinking to himself, "Wow! the traffic seems much worse than usual."

 

After a while, he noticed a policeman walking towards him, between the lines of stationery traffic. He rolled down his window and said "Excuse me officer, what's the hold-up?"

 

The constable replied "It's the Prime Minister, Mr Tony Blair sir, he's depressed. He has stopped his car and is threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself on fire.

He is protesting that nobody believes his stories; about why we went to war in Iraq, that there is no pension crisis and no worsening economy.

He doesn't understand why the public doesn't believe that all the stealth taxes are so necessary and that our education is first-class.

He's screaming that the NHS is safe in his hands, that the immigration policies are working well, that he is not George Bush's lapdog, the proposed tax cuts will not help only his wealthy and titled cronies and that his recent chairmanship of the EU has only resulted in more power being handed to the French ...... So, we're taking up a collection for him".

 

Thoughtfully, the motorist asked "How much have you collected so far?"

 

The officer replies "About forty gallons sir but a lot of people are still siphoning."

:laugh3::shocked2::laugh3:

What's Mary short for??

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she has no legs :o

 

What do you call cheese that's not yours?

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NACHO CHEESE! :laugh4:

 

Why does snoop dog carry an umbrella?

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fo' drizzle! :laugh4:

 

:dozey: I'm fresh outta material