I know only one joke in english so I say it :P

 

A discussion in the emigration office at the airport.

Officer: Name?

Emigrant: Mohammed Al Muhamad

Officer: Age?

Emigrant: 31

Officer: Sex ?

Emigrant: Four times a week.

Officer: yy, no... I mean: man or woman ??

Emigrant: Ah, doesn't matter...

 

:D:D:D

Tommy Cooper Jokes (sorry its been cut n pasted and looks shit and all)

 

1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of

them would have seen it.

 

2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy

marijuana, press the hash key..."

 

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for

shorts.

The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

 

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I

couldn't find any.

 

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that

he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

 

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him

in.

 

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

 

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

 

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in

the craft and it sank,

proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat

it.

 

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van

covered with hundreds and thousands.

Police say that he topped himself.

 

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his

head.

Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

 

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'

'Is it common?'

"It's not unusual."

 

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed,

is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have look at him."

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his

teeth.

Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?

"No, because he's really heavy"

 

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck

up my backside."

"How's that?"

"Don't you start."

 

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

 

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

 

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you

give me a lift?"

I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for

it.'

 

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.

There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.

It's either my mum or my dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my

younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu?

But I think its Colin.

 

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."

The other one says "So are you, you fat boy!"

 

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery

acid, and the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

 

21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.

They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking

Fine.'

So that was nice."

 

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in

several places."

The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

 

23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a

small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.

Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so

far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

 

24. A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the

Dog up and starts swinging it around his head.

Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?'

'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

 

25. "It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library

and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you.

But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins

in."

 

26. "He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your

trouser legs and put it in a library.

I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books."

 

27. "I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah."

I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"

 

28. "I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside

my house.'

He said 'I'm not stopping you.'"

 

29. "I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up

and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.

And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted

again. And I swerved again.

He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And

I went into a tree.

And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'

And I Said 'I careered off the road.'"

 

:laugh3: :laugh3: classic!! Got to love Tommy Cooper!!

The chinese one reminds me of something my friend came out with last night. She just randomly said

"did you know that there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people?" for some reason that was hilarious at the time :laugh3:

then we got confused thinking about monobrows...

a head gets put in a bar and asks the bartender for a shot...

the man drinks the shot and grows an arm..

he asks for another... and grows the other arm

he asks for another... and grows a torso

he asks the bartender to keep them coming... and grows both legs..

the man is so happy that he runs into the street in front of the bar and gets hit by a truck and dies... the bartender says, "He should've quit while he was A HEAD."

 

LOL.. thats the best one i know

I know only one joke in english so I say it :P

 

A discussion in the emigration office at the airport.

Officer: Name?

Emigrant: Mohammed Al Muhamad

Officer: Age?

Emigrant: 31

Officer: Sex ?

Emigrant: Four times a week.

Officer: yy, no... I mean: man or woman ??

Emigrant: Ah, doesn't matter...

 

:D:D:D

 

 

I liked it!!! :laugh1: :laugh1:

I liked it!!! :laugh1: :laugh1:

that was a good joke... it is hilarious!:laugh3:

Any new fresh jokes???

The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life

 

1. The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."

 

2. The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."

 

3. The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"

 

4. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"

 

5. The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"

 

6. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!"

 

7. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still

- What does Wal-Mart, Zellers and Michael Jackson have in common?

- Boy's underwear half off.

 

 

:laugh3: - I also have a MJ joke:

What do Martha Stewart and Micheal Jackson have in common?...They're both rich white ladies.

 

...Ok- So it's 3am and a married couple are asleep. The phone rings and the husband picks it up. The wife hears him say, "Do I look like a fucking weatherman?" and he slams the phone. The wife rolls over and says, "Who was it honey?" and the husband says, "Some guy asking if the coast was clear."

 

... Son: "Mommy! Mommy! I can't breathe!"

Mother: "Oh, Good! It's working."

 

 

...Son: "Mommy! Mommy! What's in all those CARE packages they send to Africa?"

Mother: "Shut up and get back in the box!"

 

 

...Daughter: "Mom, what's an orgasm?"

Mother: "I wouldn't know, ask your father."

 

 

"Mom! Can I wear a bra now? I'm sixteen..."

Mother: "Shut up, Albert!"

 

:laugh3:

Love them :laugh3: :laugh3: :laugh3: !!!

What's the difference between a truck full of babies and a truck full of sand?

 

You can't unload sand with hay-forks!

 

:laugh3:

my apologies to all blondes...

 

a blonde walks into her brunette bosses office and says, "What's that thing on your desk?"

the boss replies, "It's a thermos, it keeps hot foods hot and cold foods cold."

the next day the boss goes into the blondes office and says, "What's in your thermos?"

the blonde replies, "There's some hot soup and an ice cream sandwitch."

 

my dad told me that one.

Oh...I've heard that one before...:)

What is a wisp of black hair on blonde's head?

A straw of hope.

Ok it ain't as funny,as it is in croatian.

No...

(smiješno je i ovako i onako...dobro si preveo :) )

A nun enters the cab and tells to cabbie where she's off to.

They drive off, and after five minutes, cabbie stops and turns to the nun.

He blushes as he says...

"I've always wondered how does it feel like to kiss a nun...can I kiss you."

 

She's perplexed and replies...

"Okay...but ONLY if you're not married and if you're Christian."

 

"I am..."-he joyfully replies and kisses her.

 

After a long kiss, cabbie confides...

"I'm married with 3 children and protestant!"

 

Smiled nun replies..

"Oh-that's okay..see-I'm not a nun. I'm Kevin and I'm going to costumed party."

 

:laugh3:

(love it)

How do you get a farmer some land?

Kick him in the privates and he'll have two acres

 

James Bond is in a bar, when a beautiful woman comes and sits next to him. After a minute, James turns to the woman and says 'I've got this watch which tells me the answer to anything I ask it'. Intriuged the woman asks him to prove it. James whispers to the watch and a second later it beeps.

'There,' says James. 'The watch says you aren't wearing any underwear'. The woman scoffs at this is says she IS wearing underwear. James looks confused, then smiles.

'I know whats the matter, its half an hour fast'.

 

 

Why did the scarecrow get promotion?

He was outstanding in his field

Why do elephants have big ears?

Because Noddy wouldnt pay that ransom!

A girl walks into a shop selling hearing devices and she say to the assistant, "I'd like a hearing aid, please to which the assistant replies, "I'm sorry, but could you repeat that, please?"

Why do elephants have big ears?

Because Noddy wouldnt pay that ransom!

 

haha I like that one

Quick! What do you call a Deer with no eyes?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

-No idea

what do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

 

 

 

 

still no idea

While I was driving down the M6 the other day, (going a little faster than I should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a copper on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait. The copper pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronising smirk, asked:

 

"Runway too short?"

 

To which I replied, "I'm late for work."

 

To which he asked, "What do you do?"

 

"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

 

The copper was surprised and confused. "A what? A rectum stretcher?? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

 

"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."

 

Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do you do with a six-foot arsehole?"

 

To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

 

Speeding ticket: £105.00

Court costs: £45

Look on copper's face: Priceless

While I was driving down the M6 the other day, (going a little faster than I should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a copper on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait. The copper pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronising smirk, asked:

 

"Runway too short?"

 

To which I replied, "I'm late for work."

 

To which he asked, "What do you do?"

 

"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

 

The copper was surprised and confused. "A what? A rectum stretcher?? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

 

"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."

 

Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do you do with a six-foot arsehole?"

 

To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

 

Speeding ticket: £105.00

Court costs: £45

Look on copper's face: Priceless

 

You're nutz :laugh3: :laugh3: :laugh3:

One day in the future, George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

 

"I don't know what to do," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got some folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.

 

I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room.

 

In it was Ronald Reagan and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No, George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

 

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Richard Nixon with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.

 

The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Bush took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat and sits at the bar. The bartender walks over to them and says, "What can I get for you?"

 

The man says "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says, "OK, that will be $3.87."

 

The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. About an hour later the bartender goes back over to them and says, "What'll you guys have?"

 

The man says, "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." The bartender gets them their beer and says "That'll be $3.87."

 

The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. A couple of days later they come back into the bar and the bartender walks over and asks "What do you guys want today?"

 

The man says, "I'll have a scotch", the ostrich says, "I'll have a bourbon", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says "OK, that will be $7.53." The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.

 

The bartender's curiosity got the best of him and he asks, "Why is it that every time I tell you the amount you owe you always have the exact change in you pocket?"

 

The man said, "I found a bottle with a genie in it and she granted me 3 wishes. My first wish was that I always have the exact change in my pocket for anything I buy."

 

The bartender says, "That's a great wish...better than asking for a million dollars. A million dollars will run out but that never will. What were your other 2 wishes?"

 

The man says, "That's where I screwed up. I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."

 

:laugh3: