For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

 

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

 

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

 

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

 

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."

TOP TEN TV SHOWS IN IRAQ

 

10. Husseinfeld

9. Mad About Everything

8. Allah McBeal

7. Wheel of Fortune and Terror

6. Achmed's Creek

5. The Price is Right if Saddam Says it's Right

4. Children Are Forbidden From Saying Anything Darndest

3. The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show

2. Buffy the Slayer of American Imperialist Dogs

1. Suddenly Sanctions

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN GOLF BUT AREN'T

10. Nuts...my shaft is bent.

9. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.

7. Look at the size of his putter.

6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.

5. Mind if I join your threesome?

4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.

3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.

1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first.

hahahahahaha

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

:laugh3:

A big city London lawyer went duck hunting in rural Scotland. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

 

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked the lawyer what he was doing.

 

The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

 

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and your not coming over here."

 

The indignant lawyer replied. "I'm one of the best trial lawyers in the UK, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything that you own.

 

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Scotland. We settle small disagreements like this, with the Scottish Three Kick Rule."

 

The lawyer asked, "What is the Scottish Three Kick Rule?"

 

The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth until someone gives up."

 

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

 

The old farmer slowly gets down from the tractor and walked up to the city fella. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin, which dropped him to his knees.

 

His second kick nearly ripped the nose off his face.

 

The lawyer was flat on his belly, when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly causing him to give up, but didn't.

 

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old tosser, now it's my turn."

 

The old farmer smiled and said,

 

"Naw, I give up, You can keep the duck!"

^^FUNNY!

Ways to tell someone their fly is open

 

20. The cucumber has left the salad.

19. I can see the gun of Navarone.

18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.

17. You've got Windows on your laptop.

16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.

15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.

14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

12. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...

11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.

10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!

9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!

7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!

5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

1. I thought you were crazy, now I can clearly see your nuts.

The male sexual organ requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:

 

- has to work hard;

- has to work at great depths;

- has to work upside down;

- has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work;

- has to work in a high humidity environment;

- has to work at high temperatures;

- does not get weekends and holidays off;

- does not get time off after extra hours of work;

- has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness.

 

Request DENIED for the following reasons:

 

- does not work 8 hours in a row;

- does not answer immediately to all requests;

- does not have a degree;

- after a short activity period, falls asleep at work;

- shows no fidelity to the workplace;

- retires too early;

- does not work at all unless pushed from behind;

- does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work

One day John decides to invite Mark on a trip on his private jet. Whilst on this luxury aeroplane Mark asks where the toilet is. John shows him and says to him "inside there are 3 buttons, whatever you do don't press the third one." Mark proceeds to the toilet and does his business. Whilst sitting on the toilet he presses the first button. Suddenly his privates are cleaned thoroughly. He enjoys this and presses the second button. Dryers appear and dry his privates. He is intrigued to find out what button 3 does, so he pushes it. The next thing Mark sees is John staring at him....."what happened?" Mark asks shakily. "Well you pressed the third button and now you are in hospital." "Why do my privates hurt so bad?" Mark asked anxiously..John replies "Well you activated the automatic tampon remover."

oh my god...

 

A C, an E flat, and a G walk into a bar and ask the bartender for drinks. He looks at them, and tells them, "sorry, I don't serve minors here."

^ smart O_o

Haha. Band humor/humour.

EDIT

A woman goes into a bar and asks for a "double entendre". So the bartender gave her one.

Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One says, "Boy is it hot in here."

 

The other looks at the first in amazement, then says, "Whoa! A talking muffin!"

There were two gay guy living together. One was more feminine and the other more masculine.

 

The masculine one lacked chest hair and it seemed to become a real problem for him. So, one day he decided to visit the doctor to see why he had no chest hair and if there was something he could do about.

 

Well, the doctor said there was nothing wrong with the guy, and really the only thing he could try to stimulate hair growth was to smother Vaseline all over his chest daily and perhaps the skin would become stimulated enough to produce hair.

 

The masculine homosexual was elated. He went immediately home and smothered his chest in Vaselinel.

 

When his partner came home and jumped into bed with him, he felt the Vaseline and asked, "What in the hell are you doing?"

 

The masculine one explained what the doctor said and waited for comment from his partner. Finally, his partner said,

 

"Don't you think if that was true that you would have a "pony tail" coming out of your ass by now?"

Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One says, "Boy is it hot in here."

 

The other looks at the first in amazement, then says, "Whoa! A talking muffin!"

 

 

:laugh4:

 

this is classic...

Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.

 

The girl came up to him and asked,

 

"What do you have under the newspaper?"

 

"A bird," the guy replied.

 

The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the police asked him what happened, the guy replied,

 

"I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here."

 

The police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her, "What did you do to that naked fellow?"

 

After a pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."

 

Moral of the story........................ never lie to kids.

^:laugh3: :laugh3: :laugh3: :laugh3: :laugh3:

I agree!

There were two gay guy living together. One was more feminine and the other more masculine.

 

The masculine one lacked chest hair and it seemed to become a real problem for him. So, one day he decided to visit the doctor to see why he had no chest hair and if there was something he could do about.

 

Well, the doctor said there was nothing wrong with the guy, and really the only thing he could try to stimulate hair growth was to smother Vaseline all over his chest daily and perhaps the skin would become stimulated enough to produce hair.

 

The masculine homosexual was elated. He went immediately home and smothered his chest in Vaselinel.

 

When his partner came home and jumped into bed with him, he felt the Vaseline and asked, "What in the hell are you doing?"

 

The masculine one explained what the doctor said and waited for comment from his partner. Finally, his partner said,

 

"Don't you think if that was true that you would have a "pony tail" coming out of your ass by now?"

 

 

:laugh3: :laugh3: :laugh3: :laugh3: That took me a minute to get...hahaha! :P

What do you call a cow with no legs?

 

 

Ground Beef

 

 

What do you call a fly with no wings?

 

 

A Walk

 

 

What do you call a dog with no legs?

 

 

It really doesn't matter...he's not gonna come to you anyway

Haha :P

 

 

Any more jokes, people?