Byron369: omg!.......:laugh3:

A little boy wakes up three nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents' bedroom. Finally, one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him."

 

His mom is taken by surprise and says. "Oh... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."

 

The boy says, "That won't work."

 

His mom says, "Why?"

 

The boy replies. "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

:o :lol:

It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic church to ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a few minutes. Finally the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend.

 

"However", he said, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me what you did over the weekend." The four nuns agree, and run off.

 

Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "What did you do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water."

 

The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly under her breath. The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest replies, "OK, what happened?" She says, "I was driving my brother's car down the street in front of his house, and I hit a neighbors dog and killed it."

 

The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The second nun goes out. By this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly.

 

Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?" She says, "Last night, I ran naked up and down Main Street."

 

The priest looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before responding, "God forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." She leaves.

 

The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her cheeks. The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so darn funny?"

 

The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water..."

 

:laugh3:

(I love it!)

So you think your life is bad...

Just think how bad the life of an egg is...

 

You only get laid once

You only get eaten once

It takes 4 minutes to get hard and

2 minutes to get soft

You have to share a box with

11 other guys

And the only chick that ever sat on

your face was your mother

 

Now don't you feel better?

 

Hell no!

^^You have the funniest jokes! :laugh3:

Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One.

 

Bill looks at Al, and chuckles and says, "You know I could throw a $10,000 dollar bill out the window right now and make one person very happy." Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well I could throw ten $1,000 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy." Hillary tosses her perfectly sprayed hair and says, "Of course, then, I could throw one hundred $100 bills out the window and make one hundred pepole very happy."

 

Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the WHOLE COUNTRY HAPPY!"

 

(thank you =)

Cinderella is now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

 

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"

 

The Fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

 

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish: I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension."

 

Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Bob, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear.

 

Cinderella said, "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother". The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do. What does your heart want for your second wish?"

 

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said: "I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again". At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years. A long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her.

 

Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke "You have one more wish, what shall you have?"

 

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says,"I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man".

 

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a man, so beautiful the likes of which neither she nor the world had ever seen,so fair indeed that birds began to fall from the sky at his feet.

 

The Fairy Godmother again spoke, "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life."

 

And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.

 

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.

 

Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.

 

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered, "I bet you regret having me neutered now, don't you?"

:laugh3:

Guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter.

 

The first guy says "Wow, cool lighter...where did you get it?"

 

"A genie from a bottle granted me one wish."

 

"Great, can I try it?"

 

"Sure."

 

First guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one wish says the genie."

 

The guy says, "I want a million bucks!"

 

"Done" says the genie and disappears.

 

A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and in come pouring in ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar door.

 

"I can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

 

The second guy then says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12" Bic?"

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

 

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

 

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

 

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

 

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean, $200?"

It took me a while to get the first one....:P

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

Priest: "What have you done my child?"

Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."

Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"

Girl: "Because he touched my hand."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he touched my breast."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)

Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"

Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"

Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

 

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

 

"About 35," was the reply.

 

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

 

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

 

The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".

 

"I am actually 47."

 

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

 

She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

 

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

 

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."

 

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

 

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

1st one: EEWWWWW :P

 

2nd one: :P

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

 

The kid replies, "Yeah."

 

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

 

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

 

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

 

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

 

The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

 

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

 

"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

 

"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

 

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"

 

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

 

She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake."

 

He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

 

She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"

A boy takes his girlfriend home after going out together.

 

When they reach the front door, he leans against the wall with one hand and says, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"

 

"What? You're crazy!"

 

"Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."

 

"No!! Someone may see -- a relative, a neighbor..."

 

"At this time of the night? No one will show up..."

 

"I've already said No, and NO!"

 

"Honey, it's just a small blowie...I know you'd like it, too..."

 

"No! I've said NO!"

 

"My love... Don't be like that..."

 

At this moment, the girlfriend's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown with her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes, she says, "Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!"

HAHAHA!

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.

 

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

 

 

the best one so far :)

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

 

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

 

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

 

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

 

:laugh3: :laugh3: :laugh3:

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

 

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

 

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

 

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

 

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

 

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

 

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

 

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

 

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

 

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

 

He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."

 

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

 

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

 

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

 

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

 

:laugh3: :laugh3: :laugh3:

 

Hahah :tongue:

:P

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

 

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

 

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

 

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

 

:laugh3: :laugh3: :laugh3:

 

 

 

:laugh3: :laugh3: :laugh3: :laugh3: :laugh3: :laugh3: :laugh3: :laugh3: :laugh3: :laugh3: :laugh3: :laugh3:

OMG... very good!