Boss asks secretary "Do you know what the difference is between a Caesar Salad and a blowjob?"

 

"No", says the secretary.

 

"Great, Let's do lunch." the boss says.

A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly treated she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!!

The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the genie informs her that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes.

The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one billion one-dollar bills. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars.

The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it was granted, but the genie then reminds again that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points out at the beach to a small development of ten such mansions.

Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the genie that she wants to make the last wish. But, before she can do this, the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for.

"No problem," said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. "For my last wish...I'd like to give birth to twins."

Its yellow and it turns red if you step on it:

 

 

 

a little pullet :nice:

 

 

 

 

 

yellow-red-yellow-red-yellow-red-yellow-red-yellow-red-yellow-red-yellow-red-yellow-red-yellow-red

what is it ?

 

 

 

 

 

a little pullet in a mixer :nice:

 

pretty sick jokes actually :rolleyes:

(That's why I love them :smug: )

There was a party of trigonometrical functions and everyone was having fun... except e^x...

 

Cos x notices it and tells to e^x "c'mon! integrate to the group"

And e^x answers... naah, would be the same.

 

:dozey:

:laugh3:

 

(I'm in Math High School so I have to get it!)

One day in the future, George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

 

"I don't know what to do," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got some folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.

 

I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room.

 

In it was Ronald Reagan and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No, George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

 

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Richard Nixon with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.

 

The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Bush took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

 

:laugh3:

- What is the worst thing that can happen to a bat while it sleeps?

- To get a diarrhoea!

 

 

 

Two prostitutes, after Christmas holidays:

- What did you ask Santa Claus to give you?

- Hundred dollars, as usual.

Bob is throwing a party. Bob decides that to break the ice at his party, he'll ask everyone what their IQ is, and then strike up an appropriate conversation from there.

The day of Bob's party rolls around and when the first guest knocks on the door, Bob asks the person what their IQ is.

"200,000," replies the first guest.

"Well, that's great," says Bob, "Let's talk about etherial astro physics." Bob and this first guest talk about the aforementioned subject for a while. Later in the party someone else is at the door.

"Hi my name is Bob. Welcome to my party, what's your IQ?"

The new guest responds with 250.

"Great," says Bob, "Let's talk about advanced math." Bob and his new guest talk about calculus and statistics for a while.

Much later in the party after many more guests had arrived and spoken to by Bob, yet another guest arives at the door.

"Hi my name's Bob. Welcome to my party, what's your IQ?"

This time the guest replies after putting some thought into it: 5. "Well that's great," says Bob, "What kind of drumsticks do you use?"

 

:laugh3:

A man walks into a bar and asks for six shots of vodka. The bartender says, "Six shots?! What's wrong?" "I found out my older brother is gay," replied the man.

 

The next night, he walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka. "What now?" asked the bartender. "I found out my younger brother is gay," replied the man.

 

The night after that, the man walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka. "Jeez, does ANYBODY in your family like women?" asked the bartender. The man replied, "Yeah, my wife does."

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

 

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid £12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

Q: What do Baghdad and Hiroshima have in common?

A: Nothing, yet.

 

Q: What does Saddam want for Thanksgiving?

A: Turkey.

 

Q: What do Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common?

A: They both have Kurds in their Whey.

 

Q: What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?

A: They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from!

 

Q: What is the best Iraqi job?

A: Foreign Ambassador.

 

Q: How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None. They can't turn them on anyway.

 

Q: How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Only one, but he does it from 30 miles away using laser targeting, and at a cost of $800,000.

 

Q: "How many members of the coalition does it take to screw in a light bulb?"

A: "We are not prepared to comment on specific numbers at this time."

 

Q: Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?

A: You only have to teach them to take off.

 

Q: How do you play Iraqi bingo?

A: B-52...F-16...B-52

 

Q: What is Iraq's national bird?

A: Duck.

 

Q: What's the difference between Aeroflot and the Scud Missile?

A: Aeroflot has killed more people.

 

Q: How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone?

A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.

 

Q: Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?

A: So they can see their Air Force.

lol. nice jokes. and i like the 9 things you hate about everyone.

I forgot to list the fact that I'm the only one here posting :P

there's this stupid joke in hebrew, that's funny when you're drunk or when you're in what we call "teaspoon phase" (when u laugh at pretty much anything). In any other situation it isnt funny, cause it just aint funny.

Ok, here goes:

 

Yosi and Daniel went to the beach.

Yosi drowned and Daniel ate hummos.

I'm not drunk, but...sounds -khm!- interesting.

lol. kinda different haha

haha. glad u actually found it amusing :)

(btw-I LOVE YOUR AVATAR!:) )

haha, thanks

it's brand new

 

:) :)

pooh bear is wicked.

Yes, I've noticed.

 

The previous were eyes, right?

yeah, i had a green eye

 

but i found this pic and it was just the right size so i didnt even have to deal with resizing it, and said, what the heck

change never hurt anyone haha :)

:)

 

Well-wherever did you find it, you find it well.

i googled

 

"baby pooh", and that's what it found

 

u see, i thought baby donald duck was cuter than baby pooh, and my friend said the opposite. So we looked for pics of both to see who was right

i admit i made a mistake