Pseudonym Posted July 10, 2008 Share Posted July 10, 2008 GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2009! New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting. New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn. New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster? New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged . I have a better description for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.' New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done. New Rule:There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water. New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole. New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Mars Bar. New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high. New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a tele vision sh ow in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie. New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place. New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cobalt Posted July 10, 2008 Share Posted July 10, 2008 :laugh3: Where the hell be this from? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pseudonym Posted July 10, 2008 Author Share Posted July 10, 2008 :laugh3: Where the hell be this from? got it in an e-mail Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cobalt Posted July 10, 2008 Share Posted July 10, 2008 brilliant Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hotplay007 Posted July 10, 2008 Share Posted July 10, 2008 New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged . I have a better description for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.' HAHAHAHAHA!!! :laugh3: :laugh3: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
strawberryfields Posted July 10, 2008 Share Posted July 10, 2008 New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn. I hate that ad with a passion. :furious: New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place. :laugh3: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Black Rose Posted July 10, 2008 Share Posted July 10, 2008 New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Mars Bar. I don't know why, but I prefer the self-service tills compared to the normal tills in supermarkets. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RICK8 Posted July 10, 2008 Share Posted July 10, 2008 :laugh3: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pseudonym Posted January 7, 2009 Author Share Posted January 7, 2009 for 09! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RICK8 Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 It aint funny now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matter-Eater Lad Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 One of the all time best threads. I love George Carlin. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gotcheese2768 Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 hahahaha this was so funny... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
strawberryswinger Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 :laugh3::laugh3::laugh3: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HorrificAttack Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 George Carlin died last year, why would he mass produce an email about rules for this year? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mc_squared Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 George Carlin died last year, why would he mass produce an email about rules for this year? Maybe it's proof that ghosts do exist after all!!:rolleyes: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HorrificAttack Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 ROFL, OH MARK YOU ALWAYS CRACK ME UP Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pseudonym Posted January 7, 2009 Author Share Posted January 7, 2009 George Carlin died last year, why would he mass produce an email about rules for this year? He didn't obviously. It's a chain email that gets sent around every year. They just change the year number. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blue_girl Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 Can i add new rule? DONT USE CAPS :laugh3: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pris Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 I completely agree with all of them!!!! :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pseudonym Posted January 7, 2009 Author Share Posted January 7, 2009 Can i add new rule? DONT USE CAPS :laugh3: :laugh3: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
strawberryswinger Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 Can i add new rule? DONT USE CAPS :laugh3: :thumbsup: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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