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A satiric article... and my 1000 post!!


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To celebrate my 1000th (woohoo) :smug: I'm gonna post this artice I found two weeks ago... It's from a satiric website called http://www.afireinside.org. It's just to make fun, you know. But really true... :D



Men as accessories


Every season some random celebrity starts a fad that everyone else, famous or not, has to follow. This season the craze seems to be for 'indie' boyfriends. In order to succesfully pull off this look/assessory is important to call your boyfriend 'indie' if he is in a band regardless of the music that band produces. Nick Cave (of and the Bad Seeds fame) came to be included in this category due to his mid-ninties association with Kylie Minogue. This is despite the fact that at this time, she was a washed-up nobody and he turned her goth. (This influence spread musically also, her song Abide in me being covered live by Sisters of Mercy on a not irregular basis.)


The indie boyfriend fixation has been prevelatent among certain celebrities for several years but recently underwent a new lease of life. The couple that repopulised the craze were Coldplay frontman Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow. I can't work out who is less fortunate out of the two as both are infuriating and create junk.


The key to getting an A-list girlfriend appears to be to make crap whiney music in the style of Coldplay, Travis or Toploader, preferably about how no one loves you and how sensitive you are, as Coldplay can best be described as the soundtrack to bedwetting. Then make random statements in press interviews that are meant to be deep and not like a random tramp trying to break the music industry. Style wise it is essential to wear only unwashed charity shop clothing while not cutting your hair EVER. Do all this then wait for a random film star or successful female singer to be backstage at one of your concerts. In order to ensure attracting their attention do not look up, shout or wave, instead then stare at your shoes as she comes over, then be too scared to talk to her. If everything has gone as planned then all you need to do is sit back and watch the tabloid frenzy over the coupling ensure your album is a huge and undeserved success.


I am not even going to touch the whole Britney Spear's mess despite it being instrumental in making popular 'alternative' boyfriends, though if the rumours are true about her dating an MTV presenter then it can only boost her career. Despite reports that Fred Durst is still carrying a touch for Britney, he has been seen with former Spice Girl Geri Halliwell. Apparently Geri is desperate to find fame in America - could these two factors be linked?


With the rumours of the Strokes' Drummer marrying Drew Barrymore I wondered what has happened to her previous date, Alec Piro (or more commonly Pure), drummer for Deadsy. That relationship had been considered serious as they'd been spotted shopping for home furnishings together, a bigger step than she took when dating Eric Erlandson. Hopefully this will last longer than her previous two marrages. In other matrimonial news, Natalie Imbruglia is planning to marry Daniel Johns, hopefully the happy couple are not planning on performing a duet on Silverchair's next album, the only thing that could make it worse than the current Silverchair album.


The nicest example of an 'indie' boyfriend is between Royston Langdon of Spacehog (excellent band who you have probably never heard of) and Liv Tyler. This is not only a sucessful relationship it is also a lot less scary than Chris Robinson and Kate Hudson or that guy from Toploader and Gail Porter (if you don't know who she is you are blessed), not forgeting Kelly Macdonald and the bassist from Travis.


Pamela Anderson's relationship with Kid Rock just got intersting because she thinks his ex-girlfriend Sheryl Crow is back in the picture, and Pam is furious. But it could be worse, Melissa Joan Hart is engaged to the singer from Course of Nature, a band who seeminly do nothing but support Creed. I query this as a wise career move.


For those people who do not comprehend the attractiveness of an unwashed shoe gazing guy who can't grow facial hair or talk to girls there is still hope. What this seasons hottest fashion trends consist of change daily basis. For example, one website's hottest summer tip is for candy pink trench coats, because you are "always going to need one in your wardrobe. They are totally flattering (love that nipped-in-waist look)." The same people who will spend the next two months despirately trying to aquire the most indie bloke on campus (and failing because he has no interest in their only conversation subject - designer clothes) also will have thought that Catherine Zeta Jones looked glamorous at the Oscars.

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