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The Plan of Salvation: Special Limited Time Offer Through December 2009!


If you are Unsaved, This is YOUR DAY: Now for a limited time, receive our Certification of Eternal Security. This exclusive offer gives you access to special Landover Baptist Church events on Judgment Day Evening.


Please note that this offer is not good with any earlier commitment you may have made through the Landover Baptist Ministries. See below





Landover Baptist Church offers THE cheapest Plan of Salvation and assurance of Eternal Security, ANYWHERE on the internet! We dare you to find someone offering this package for a lower price WITHOUT ANY STRINGS ATTACHED!


IT'S SIMPLE: If you are interested in getting saved, you are looking for the plan of salvation. We have the information you need. We can help you understand everything you need to know to get to Heaven and avoid Hell.


For The Plan of Salvation, please send a check or money order in the amount of $439.00* to:


Attn: Finance Department

Landover Baptist Church

Corporate Christian Offices

207 Soulwinner's Palace Dr.

Freehold, IA 45587


(Be sure to include a note asking for the pamphlet "Please, Jesus. Don't Send Me To Hell.")

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I have heard big boned ladies have shorter pregnancies Pastor. To give you an idea last fall Brother Ray's daughter Baylee dropped one right in Sunday service and let me tell you young Sister Baylee is so big boned she is a "double" on a pew rentals. We figured she must have gotten knocked up by that Mexican boy only six days before (hope Hernado enjoys his stay for rape in State prison). Well at lest Baylee found this nice boy named Clint to marry her and over look the child's conception and adopted the kid as his own.



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^I've seen them on that show, incredibly odd. I've also seen them on Jeremy Kyle in the UK via satellite, car crash television. They are emotionless robots.


But that one is actually real, this is a parody website based on ones like godhatesfags.

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"The first thing we do," Landover Pastor, Deacon Fred explains, "is put a Bible on the ground. If the baby crawls away from the Bible, it immediately becomes a candidate for sterilization." The possessed child is then placed in a crib with a full grown adult swine to see if the demon will hitch a ride (Mark 5: 11-13). "We then take the pig to Landover Lake and see if it drowns itself in accordance with scripture," Deacon Fred says. "If the pig drowns, the child may stay with its parents. If the pig does not kill itself, then the malformed offspring is shipped off to the Landover Home for the Demonically Possessed in North Dakota.






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