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Jokes to laf your heart out! so post dangit!


musiclover

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'Yellow!

 

I haven't seen any joke threads in here. Perhaps there were before I joined. Anyways, if you would like, just post your jokes in here and we can have a good laugh.

 

Laughter is the best medicine! ;-)

 

I will start.

 

 

 

General Musharaf (Pakistani leader), Vajpayee (Indian premier), Madhuri Dixit (Bollywood hottie actress) and Margaret Thatcher (you know who she is, I hope! :P ) are sitting in a train. The train suddenly goes thru a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap!

 

The train comes out of the tunnel. The woman and Vajpayee are sitting there looking perplexed. Musharaf is bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap. All of them remain diplomatic and nobody says anything.

 

Thatcher is thinking: "These Pakistanis are all crazy after Madhuri.

Musharaf must have tried to kiss her in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him."

 

Madhuri is thinking: "Musharaf must have moved to kiss me, and kissed Margaret instead and got slapped."

 

Musharaf is thinking: "Damn it, Vajpayee must have tried to kiss Madhuri, she thought it was me and slapped me."

 

Vajpayee is thinking: "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap Musharaf again."

 

:D :D

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This may be a little self-depricating! :sneaky:

 

 

All you really need to know about Government and Bureaucracy:

 

** Pythagorean theorem: ............................. 24 words.

** Lord's prayer: ......................................... 66 words.

** Archimedes' Principle: .............................. 67 words.

** 10 Commandments: ................................. 179 words.

** Gettysburg address: ................................. 286 words.

** Declaration of Independence: .................... 1,300 words.

 

 

US Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words.

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An Englishman goes into Crown Sports Bar to watch the England France Rugby game on the big screen. He has with him a miniature Dachshund with an English flag painted on its side. The Sports Bar manager approaches the Englishman and says "I'm sorry sir but no dogs allowed in the bar".The Englishman says "its OK, he's very well trained, he's only small and he does tricks....the punters will love him".

The Barman says OK, but I want you to sit him on the end of the bar where I can see him. The dog sits dead still, focused on the big screen. 10 minutes into the game Jonny Wilkinson steps up and slots his first drop goal. The crowd goes up and the Dachshund flies down the bar, high fives everyone and moon walks back to his spot amidst rapturous applause. "That's fantastic" says the barman, "what does he do if they score a try?"

 

"Oh I don't know" says the Englishman, "I've only had him three years."

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FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San

Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud.

After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the

dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite.

 

The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza

parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his

colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place and

was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all

conversations at the hospital.

 

Agent: I'd like to order 19 large pizzas and 3 cases of soda.

 

Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?

 

Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.

 

Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?

 

Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.

 

Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?

 

Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.

 

Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?

 

Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the

front doors. We have them locked. You'll have to go around to

the back service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

 

Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents there?

 

Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

 

Pizza Man: Everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?

 

Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.

 

Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?

 

Agent: We've collected a pool of cash.

 

Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?

 

Agent: Yes.

 

Pizza Man: With guns?

 

Agent: That's right. Now, can you remember to bring the pizzas

and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the

front doors locked.

 

Pizza Man: You must be crazy!

 

*Click*

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Only engineers.... :lol:

 

 

>Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to

>a conference.

>

>At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch

>as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

>"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks

>an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

>

>They all board the train. The accountants take their respective

>seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the

>door behind them.

>

>Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around

>collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says,

>"Ticket, please."

>

>The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a

>ticket in hand.

>

>The conductor takes it and moves on.

>

>The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.

>So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the

>engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever

>with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they

>buy a single ticket for the return trip.

>

>To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

>

>"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one

>perplexed accountant.

>

>"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

>

>When they board the train the three accountants cram into a

>restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby.

>The train departs.

>

>Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and

>walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding.

>

>He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

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a bit gross.........

 

>On break from college, this guy goes to visit his grandmother

>and he brings a friend with him.

>

>While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts

>chomping away at the bowl of peanuts on the coffee table, and

>finishes them off.

>

>As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother,

>"I'm sorry that I ate all of your peanuts Granny."

>

>Granny replies, "That's Ok, I'm glad you enjoyed them sonny...

>since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em!"

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ok so there is a Canadian, an Englishman, and an American sitting in a bar side by side...they all buy a beer and proceed to drink it, but each one of them notices that there is a fly in thier own drinks...the American pushes it away and says "are you kidding me?"....the English dude fishes out the fly and says "it's still good, it's still good" and takes a big swig....the Canadian looks at the beer, he fishes out the fly, holds the insect upside down, and yells " SPIT IT OUT YOU LITTLE BASTARD!"

 

We Canadians sure do love our beer :)

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  • 2 weeks later...

okayyyyy this thread was on page 3! Coldplay fans can't tell a joke or what!? :rolleyes:

 

here's one:

 

 

Bad Puns....Jest for the pun of it! :lol: (have fun!)

 

 

Time flies like an arrow.... Fruit flies like a banana. (I actually heard this one on the radio today!)

 

Appeal: What a banana comes in.

 

Coming soon: Timepieces for astronaughts. Watch this space!

 

Aromatic - A rapid-fire crossbow.

 

 

Fish Latin:

Caviar Emptor - Beware of the fish.

Carp Diem - Seize the fish.

Veni, Vidi, Fishy - I came, I saw, I fished.

Cod Erat Demonstrandum - Proving the fish.

Squid pro quo - Done a fishy deal.

Tempus Fish-it - Time flies when you're fishing.

Prima Fishy - First fish.

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Light Bulb Jokes: (a few to start with)

 

How many statisticians does it take to change a light bulb?

- 2.1412

 

How many Oxford Univ (substitute any univ name!) students does it take to change a light bulb?

- None. Oxford looks better in the dark :D

 

How many Coldplaying.com forum subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?

- 155. One to change the light bulb and to post to the forum that the light bulb has been changed, 11 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs, 109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs ( :D ), 27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs, 3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to Coldplaying list, and 4 to suggest that ALL POSTERS READ the light bulb FAQ.

 

:cool:

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Waitress: What'll it be, mister?

 

Man: Tell you what. I want my eggs hard and burned around the edges. I want my bacon burned to a crisp. I want coffee, very bitter. And when you bring me the food, I want you to YELL at me about how I ruined your life.

 

Waitress: Are you nuts?

 

Man: No, I'm homesick!

 

 

:P

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a guy goes to the doctor b/c he feels sick. the doctor tells him that he will have to give him some medicine, only that he would have to insert it up his butt. so the guy gets the medicine and the goes home to his wife who asks him how it went, so he tells her. then the guy suddenly says "oh shit" and his wife asks what? he says "i just realized that the doctors hands were on my shoulders when he was giving me the medicine. "

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hmmmmmmmmmmm lets see.........................

 

ok this one is fairly bad! :dozey:

 

what does an elephant use as a tampon??

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

a sheep :dozey:

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Guest LiquidSky
omg :lol: :lol: :lol: see u got talent! :D :P

 

here's one from the 21st century!

 

 

Son, I think it's time we talked about sex.

Sure, Dad. What do you want to know?

 

 

 

:D :D

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