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What are you thinking right now?


*Justine*

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nobody ever told me it would be this hard or this scary. i feel like i'm just standing in front of the rest of my life, and all i can think about is the immediate in contrast with the future. what do i want. what do i even want.

 

my heart feels like it's breaking every day. i don't know what i've lost, or what i feel like i'm losing...or what i might want to lose. i feel lonely, even when i'm with my friends. i don't want to go home, but i want to go home.

 

everybody else has everything figured out. she wants to be a music teacher. he wants to go to law school. i don't want anything. i mean, i know what i want, i think, but nobody would expect it, and nobody would want me to have it. i don't care about disappointing anybody. i just don't know how to do this.

 

the more i watch this hypocrisy and the more i watch this people fill with people who believe in a doctrine of hatred, the more i want to change this. i'm only one person. sometimes i feel like i'm the only one, but i know that they want to be righteous, they truly believe they are correct, but they don't understand...

 

but how can i say i do?

 

you're hurting me now. you're just hurting me. i'm trying so hard to care. i want to still care. i want everything to work; i don't know what i would do now without you. i guess i'm just like the people that i always hated. before i changed. i don't want to be alone. that's it. except that's not why i want to work. i don't want to miss something that might actually work. i'm going to try. maybe i'm like my dad.

 

i can't make it work if you won't leave me alone when i need you to.

 

maybe nobody can see that this is all falling apart. i know the only escape will be class.

 

am i happy?

am i even fucking happy?

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