[this one works best if you say it]

 

What do you call a fish with no "eye"?

 

A fsssshhhhh

^^Haha Awwww how cute! :D

(I've got nothing against gay ppl but this joke's great lol)

 

How do you tell if you are in a gay church?

Only half the congregation is kneeling.

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seatnext to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face wasplastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin wassticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaperand began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turnedto the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?""My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wickedwomen, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man.""Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man andapologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong.How long have you had arthritis?""I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father,

I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know

how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some

fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you

are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know,

I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots

whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

 

Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in

the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots

to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying

that...that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the woman

responded, "this may very well be the solution."

 

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's

house. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots were

inside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out

in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some

fun?"

 

There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked

over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away,

Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

It's annual superheroes new years party. Batman and Spiderman are chatting.

All of a sudden the Hulk rushes in all red and perplexed.

 

"Whats up" asked Batman?

 

"Well i was upstairs looking for the toilet and i passed the bedroom and saw Wonder Women naked on the bed and moaning and groaning. I started feeling randy and thought what the hell and jumped on top of her!"

 

"Was she surprised?" asked Spiderman.

 

"Yes but not as surprised as The Invisible Man!"

An eighty-year-old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh oh!"

 

The man asked the doctor, "What's the problem?"

 

"Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?"

 

"No," replied the man.

 

"Do you drink in excess?"

 

"No." replied the man.

 

"Do you have a sex life?"

 

"Yes, I do!"

 

"Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex life.

 

"Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which half - the looking or the thinking?"

It's annual superheroes new years party. Batman and Spiderman are chatting.

All of a sudden the Hulk rushes in all red and perplexed.

 

"Whats up" asked Batman?

 

"Well i was upstairs looking for the toilet and i passed the bedroom and saw Wonder Women naked on the bed and moaning and groaning. I started feeling randy and thought what the hell and jumped on top of her!"

 

"Was she surprised?" asked Spiderman.

 

"Yes but not as surprised as The Invisible Man!"

 

 

LMFAO!!!Oh good!!!

stupid joke:

 

 

A guy found a sheep and showed him to a policeman.

The policeman said, "Take that sheep to the zoo, now."

 

Next day the policeman sees the man with the sheep again.

 

The policeman stops the guy and says, "What on earth are you doing with that sheep?"

 

The guy says, "What is there to do? Yesterday I took him to the zoo and now I''m taking him to the movies."

^ I've heard that one....it's sorta funny =)

Haha it's cute! :D

"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.

 

"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."

 

The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."

 

The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

(I've got nothing against gay ppl but this joke's great lol)

 

How do you tell if you are in a gay church?

Only half the congregation is kneeling.

 

Hahahah....

 

:rolleyes:

 

it actually took me a little while to get it, lol.

^^I don't get it...:confused:

 

Usually I get these kinda jokes...but I just don't get it. Am I stupid?

so monica lewinsky is getting her dry cleaning done

the lady behind the counter is putting tags on all monicas shirts and when shes done she says, "Come again.."

 

monica lewinsky replies, "no, grape juice"

^^:laugh3:

 

 

Anymore jokes people? I'm in a mood for jokes..

Anyone?

Differences Between Men & Women

 

If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they

will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.

 

If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will

affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla,

Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

 

EATING OUT:

 

When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each

throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them

will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they

want change back.

 

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket

calculators.

 

MONEY:

 

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

 

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but

it's on sale.

 

BATHROOMS:

 

A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving

cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday

Inn.

 

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom

is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these

items.

 

ARGUMENTS:

 

A woman has the last word in any argument.

 

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new

argument.

 

CATS:

 

Women love cats.

 

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men

kick cats.

 

FUTURE:

 

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

 

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

 

SUCCESS:

 

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife

can spend.

 

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

 

MARRIAGE:

 

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he

doesn't.

 

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and

she does.

 

DRESSING UP:

 

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants,

empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the

mail.

 

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

 

NATURAL:

 

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

 

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

 

OFFSPRING:

 

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She

knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends,

favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

 

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the

house.

^^:laugh3:

Differences Between Men & Women

 

If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they

will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.

 

If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will

affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla,

Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

 

EATING OUT:

 

When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each

throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them

will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they

want change back.

 

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket

calculators.

 

MONEY:

 

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

 

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but

it's on sale.

 

BATHROOMS:

 

A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving

cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday

Inn.

 

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom

is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these

items.

 

ARGUMENTS:

 

A woman has the last word in any argument.

 

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new

argument.

 

CATS:

 

Women love cats.

 

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men

kick cats.

 

FUTURE:

 

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

 

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

 

SUCCESS:

 

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife

can spend.

 

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

 

MARRIAGE:

 

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he

doesn't.

 

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and

she does.

 

DRESSING UP:

 

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants,

empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the

mail.

 

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

 

NATURAL:

 

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

 

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

 

OFFSPRING:

 

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She

knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends,

favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

 

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the

house.

This is brilliant!:laugh4:

Its all sadly true...

I know! It's so true..

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

 

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."

 

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

 

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

 

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

 

He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"

 

"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

:laugh3: Nice one!

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this...

 

'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'

 

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."

 

So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"

 

Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"

 

 

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