:laugh3: :laugh3: :laugh3: :laugh3: :laugh3: :laugh3: Great jokes!!!!!!

A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this...

 

'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'

 

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."

 

So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"

 

Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"

 

 

Brilliant :laugh3:

A mathematician, a physicist, an engineer went again to the races and laid their money down. Commiserating in the bar after the race, the engineer says, "I don't understand why I lost all my money. I measured all the horses and calculated their strength and mechanical advantage and figured out how fast they could run..."

 

The physicist interrupted him: "...but you didn't take individual variations into account. I did a statistical analysis of their previous performances and bet on the horses with the highest probability of winning..."

 

"...so if you're so hot why are you broke?" asked the engineer. But before the argument can grow, the mathematician takes out his pipe and they get a glimpse of his well-fattened wallet. Obviously here was a man who knows something about horses. They both demanded to know his secret.

 

"Well," he says, "first I assumed all the horses were identical and spherical..."

 

(BRAINIAC JOKE :smart: )

A biologist, a physicist and a mathematician were sitting in a street cafe watching the crowd. Across the street they saw a man and a woman entering a building. Ten minutes they reappeared together with a third person.

- They have multiplied, said the biologist.

- Oh no, an error in measurement, the physicist sighed.

- If exactly one person enters the building now, it will be empty again, the mathematician concluded.

 

:rolleyes:

Several scientists were all posed the following question: "What is 2 * 2 ?"

The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces "3.99".

The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces "it lies between 3.98 and 4.02".

The mathematician cogitates for a while, then announces: "I don't know what the answer is, but I can tell you, an answer exists!".

Philosopher smiles: "But what do you mean by 2 * 2 ?"

Logician replies: "Please define 2 * 2 more precisely."

The sociologist: "I don't know, but is was nice talking about it".

Behavioral Ecologist: "A polygamous mating system".

Medical Student : "4" All others looking astonished : "How did you know ??" Medical Student : :I memorized it."

 

:rolleyes: :D

A Mathematician (M) and an Engineer (E) attend a lecture by a Physicist. The topic concerns Kulza-Klein theories involving physical processes that occur in spaces with dimensions of 9, 12 and even higher. The M is sitting, clearly enjoying the lecture, while the E is frowning and looking generally confused and puzzled. By the end the E has a terrible headache. At the end, the M comments about the wonderful lecture.

E: "How do you understand this stuff?"

M: "I just visualize the process"

E: "How can you POSSIBLY visualize something that occurs in 9-dimensional space?"

M: "Easy, first visualize it in N-dimensional space, then let N go to 9"

The Evolution of Math Teaching

1960s: A peasant sells a bag of potatoes for $10. His costs amount to 4/5 of his selling price. What is his profit?

 

1970s: A farmer sells a bag of potatoes for $10. His costs amount to 4/5 of his selling price, that is, $8. What is his profit?

 

1970s (new math): A farmer exchanges a set P of potatoes with set M of money. The cardinality of the set M is equal to 10, and each element of M is worth $1. Draw ten big dots representing the elements of M. The set C of production costs is composed of two big dots less than the set M. Represent C as a subset of M and give the answer to the question: What is the cardinality of the set of profits?

 

1980s: A farmer sells a bag of potatoes for $10. His production costs are $8, and his profit is $2. Underline the word "potatoes" and discuss with your classmates.

 

1990s: A farmer sells a bag of potatoes for $10. His or her production costs are 0.80 of his or her revenue. On your calculator, graph revenue vs. costs. Run the POTATO program to determine the profit. Discuss the result with students in your group. Write a brief essay that analyzes this example in the real world of economics.

Salary Theorem

The less you know, the more you make.

Proof: Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.

Postulate 2: Time is Money.As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time

And since Knowledge = Power and Time = Money

It is therefore true that Knowledge = Work / Money .

Solving for Money, we get:

Money = Work / Knowledge

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of Work done.

A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice "13.......13.......13.........13" the man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned '14.........14.........14.......14.'

:laugh3: Nice one

A carpet installer decides to take a cigarette break after completing the installation in the first of several rooms he has to do. Finding them missing from his pocket he begins searching, only to notice a small lump in his recently completed carpet-installation. Not wanting to rip up all that work for a lousy pack of cigarettes he simply walks over and pounds the lump flat. He decides to forgo the break continues on to the other rooms to be carpeted.

 

At the end of the day he's completed his work and loading his tools into his trucks when two events occur almost simultaneously: he spies his pack of cigarettes on the dashboard of the truck, and the lady of the house calls out "Have you seen my parakeet?"

^^Haha I've heard of that one before! Poor bird! :P

:o

It is funny though. But the version I heard had a missing hamster!

I just read your thread (well the first pg then skipped to the last one!) but a longer version of your joke:

 

Why did Mary fall off the swing?

Cos she had no arms

 

Knock, knock

Whos there?

Not Mary!

two blonds are walking on either side of a river bank. One roars across to the other:

"how'd you get to the other side???"

The other one roars back

"hello? YOU ARE ON THE OTHER SIDE!"

 

 

Paddy japanese, paddy chinese and paddy Irish were in a sauna.

A phone rings and paddy jap lifts his hand and say's we japs are so smart we can incorporate a phone in our hand.

then they hear a beeping noise paddy chinese lifts his finger and says we chinese are so smart we can incorporate a beeper in our finger.

Paddy irish man gets worried coz he doesn't want them to think he is stupid so he goes off to the toilet.

He returns with piece of toilet paper between the 2 cheeks of his ass. Both the jap and chinese say horrified "whats that?"

paddy irishman says "hold on there is a fax coming through".

:laugh3:

I just read your thread (well the first pg then skipped to the last one!) but a longer version of your joke:

 

Why did Mary fall off the swing?

Cos she had no arms

 

Knock, knock

Whos there?

Not Mary!

 

Thanks :laugh3: :laugh3: :laugh3:

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

 

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

^ good ones =)

Any more jokes???

A girl walks into a shop that sells hearing devices:

 

"I'd like a hearing aid please" says the girl

 

"i'm sorry, but could you please repeat that" says the assistant

^ classic lol

What did the five fingers say to the face?

 

*SLAP*

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool

 

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.

 

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool,so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.

 

He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.

 

Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my fucking ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some asshole puts a swimming cap on me!"

 

:laugh3:

:laugh3: LMAO