OH I love it

 

"Are my test results back?" !!!! :laugh3:

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.

 

The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.

 

The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.

 

Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.

 

The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.

 

To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"

 

(^insert rimshot here)

 

:laugh3: :lol: :D

Not so much a joke ....but a friend sent me this:

 

One of the best dumb blonde jokes i have ever heard:

 

A brunette is standing on the train tracks and doing jumping jacks shouting "Twenty! Twenty! Twenty! Twenty!" A blonde sees her and thinks "I'll do what she's doing!" So she walks over, stands on the train tracks, and starts doing jumping jacks and shouting "Twenty! Twenty! Twenty!"

A train starts approaching the two girls. They stay in front of the train for a very long time, the blonde following the example of the brunette, then at the last second the brunette jumps off the train tracks. The blonde does not, and gets hit by the train. After the train passes, the brunette gets back onto the train tracks and starts shouting "Twenty-one! Twenty-one! Twenty-one!"

:laugh3:

:stunned: ...:lol:

No! I haven't posted a joke in a while and I finally thought of a good one!

 

 

So, Forrest Gump dies :cry: .

He's goes to heaven and at the gates is St. Peter

St. Peter says, "In order to get in you have to answer 3 questions"

"OK." says Forrest.

"The first question," says Peter "Is How many seconds are in a year?"

Forrest thought and thought for a long time before he said "12"

"12! How can that be?" Said Peter.

"Well, There's January 2nd, March 2nd..."

"OK! OK!" Said Peter. "Next question!... Can you name the two days of the week that begin with the letter T?"

Again, Forrest thought and thought and finally came up with: "Well...there's Today and Tomorrow."

Peter's really frustrated now, he just wants Forrest to go. So he said. "Alright! LAST QUESTION! What...is God's real name?"

Forrest took no time answering this one: "Andy." he said.

"...Andy. Andy? Why on earth would God's name be Andy?" Said the frustrated Peter.

"Well, it's all in the hymns, isn't it!?!" says Forrest. "And he walks with me, And he talks with me, it's all there!"

 

 

hehehe.

:lol: Good one!

are videos allowed here?

 

anyway... here's a funny one...

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VYMgTHh8zJw

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."

 

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."

 

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."

 

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"

 

The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!" The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."

 

To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."

A MAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A WOMAN IS REALLY SAYING:

 

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.

.... without you in it.

 

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?

We haven't had a fight in a while.

 

NO, PIZZA'S FINE.

.... you cheap slob!

 

I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.

I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.

 

I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

I can't believe you have nothing planned.

 

COME HERE.

My puppy does this, too.

 

I LIKE YOU, BUT...

I don't like you.

 

YOU NEVER LISTEN.

You never listen.

 

I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.

I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.

 

OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF.

I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.

 

OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!!

Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.

 

I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.

We're gonna make fun of you and your friends.

^great one!! :laugh3: :laugh3: :laugh3: :laugh3:

:lol: i think i heard that one before ...maybe from an email

anyway it's still funny in the second time

:laugh3:

i don't know if this is funny enough :P

 

:laugh3: to ya all!

A young man was staying on a farm with his uncle and aunt for the summer. One morning the aunt and uncle walked in the kitchen and the young man was drinking an extremely large glass of milk. The young man said "I tookthe liberty of milking your cow this morning!" He then continues and says "it took me a while to get her started up. She must be old and stubbly." The uncle says with a confused look " Um son we don't have a cow...We have a bull!"

Two nuns go to a restaurant to have dinner. They notice RockyMountain Oysters on the menu and wondered what that was.They ask the waiter who replies "Oh Sister, those are nuts." She answers "Do you mean like the kind you crack with a rock?""No. The kind you rock on a crack."

A very ugly woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids. The Wal-Mart greeter asks, "Are they twins?"

 

The ugly woman says, "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they really look alike?"

 

"No," replies the greeter. "I just can’t believe you got laid twice."

A guy is in the market for a used motorcycle. He always wanted a big Harley. He shops around, answering ads in the newspaper, and is not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner."This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape.

 

"Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.

 

The guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan).

 

That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm.

 

"Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

 

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

 

The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

 

As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet.

 

So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word.

 

"Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence.

 

Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket.

 

Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes."

A very ugly woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids. The Wal-Mart greeter asks, "Are they twins?"

 

The ugly woman says, "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they really look alike?"

 

"No," replies the greeter. "I just can’t believe you got laid twice."

 

 

 

 

 

ha ha!!:laugh3:

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

 

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

 

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit...

 

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local Realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

 

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back...

 

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth...But only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

 

A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home... including the curtain rods...

^^:laugh3:

 

A young man was staying on a farm with his uncle and aunt for the summer. One morning the aunt and uncle walked in the kitchen and the young man was drinking an extremely large glass of milk. The young man said "I tookthe liberty of milking your cow this morning!" He then continues and says "it took me a while to get her started up. She must be old and stubbly." The uncle says with a confused look " Um son we don't have a cow...We have a bull!"

 

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW:laugh3:

the bull one was terrible! :lol:

 

Anyone like Family Guy???

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=areyUfCNFxY

:laugh3: hahah it's peanut butter and jelly time!