A man goes to the doctor after feeling ill. The doctor says, "You know, you should have come to see me sooner. Unfortunately you have waited too long and you are going to die this evening." The man is distraught and wonders how he is going to tell his wife. Well, he tells her and she takes it pretty well. "Honey, this is going to be a night that you will always remember," she says. "I am going to treat you like a king." She prepares a scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles-the works.

After dinner she slips away and returns in the most incredible negligee the man has ever seen. She leads him into their bedroom. They make the most passionate love they have ever made. The man is beside himself. Once done, the wife rolls over to go to sleep knowing she kept her promise. Well, the husband is wide awake watching the clock.

He knows that he is doomed. He taps her..."Honey?" he whispers. She rolls over and again proceed to make love. Again when they were done she rolls over and he taps her. She is getting cranky, but under the circumstances she grants her husband's dying wishes. Finally the wife rolls over and begins to snore. Well, the man decides to tap her again. "Honey?" he whispers. She rolls over and yells, "Oh sure! You don't have to get up in the morning!!!"

Marie's funeral is a sad one as she goes to join her departed husband. Standing near the casket, a mourner keeps repeating, "At last they're together. At last they're together."

 

A mourner whispers, "Why are you making such a tumult? She was a tramp even when Nick was alive. What's with this nonsense...at last they're together!"

 

The first mourner responds, "I'm talking about her LEGS! At last they're together!"

Q: Why are tornadoes and marriage alike?

 

A: They both start with a lot of blowing and sucking, but in the end you always lose your house.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I once thought I was ugly, until I saw you!

 

Just because you have one doesn't mean you have to act like one!

 

Baptists: only trouble is, they don't hold them under long enough.

 

A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.

 

Men's brains are like the prison system - not enough cells.

 

Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere!

 

You have a right to your opinions. I just don't want to hear them.

:laugh3:

A farmer is being interviewed by a journalist and the journalist asks "..so, have you lived here all your life?"

 

"Not yet" replied the farmer

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him

and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

 

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me

back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart

and brave you are and how you are my hero" The man took the

frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

 

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me

back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion

for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket,

smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

 

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into

a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back

into his pocket.

 

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm

a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do

anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

 

The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have

time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

Michael Jackson: He told you he was "Off the Wall", that he was a "Thriller", that he was "Bad" and that he was "Dangerous". Next album will be called "Don't say I didn't warn you.":rolleyes:

This 60 year old woman was walking along 5th Avenue when she heard a voice from above

 

"You will live to be 100."

 

She looked around and didn't see anyone. Again she heard "You will live to be 100."

 

Boy, she thought to herself, that was the voice of God. I've got 40 more years to live!

 

So off she went to the plastic surgeon. She got everything fixed from head to toe.

 

When she left the plastic surgeon's office, she got hit by a bus,died, and went up to heaven.

 

She said to God "You told me I would live to be 100. I was supposed to have had 40 more years.

So how come you let the bus kill me?".

 

God said: "I didn't recognize you".

 

:laugh3:

Stick your tongue out.

Move it up and down.

Relax.

Now move it left and right.

Well done! You have now completed Christopher Reeves workout video.

 

(cruel but lol)

A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his

doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an

advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program. Guaranteed like

heck, he thinks to himself. But lets see what they think they can do.

He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 LB weight

loss program.

The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers,

there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe

dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her

neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss

company. The sign reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. Well,

without a second thought he takes off after her (like who wouldn't).

A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has

his way with her. After they are through he kisses the girl one last

time and thinks to himself with a nod, I like the way this company

does business.

For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing

happens each time. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and, sure

enough, he has lost 10 pounds. Deciding that he likes his somewhat

more slender physique, not to mention the method of treatment, he

calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 LB weight

loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems

like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their workout schedule might

be like this time.

As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he

answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but

a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her neck. She is simply

stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces

herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign

reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. He's out the door like a

shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch

her. But when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is

wonderful, the best he has ever had. He is really looking forward to

the next four days... For the next four days, the same girl shows up

and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the

sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20

pounds. I love this company, he thinks to himself, I never knew

losing weight could be so easy and so much fun.

Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and

subscribe to the companies 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. Are

you sure, sir? asks the representative on the phone. This is our most

rigorous program. Absolutely, says he, I love your program. haven't

felt this good in years! The next day there comes a knock at his

door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200

pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes

and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a representative

of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, If I can catch you, I can have you.

English is a Crazy Language

 

 

From: Charlie Indelicato

 

Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant

nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins

weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are

candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

 

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that

quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is

neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

 

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't

groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the

plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index,

2 indices?

 

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you

comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch

of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

 

If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats

vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps

you bote your tongue?

 

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum

for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and

play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that

run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

 

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and

wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while

quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell

one day and cold as hell another.

 

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are

absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a

sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who

was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those

people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

 

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house

can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out

and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

 

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the

creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That

is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are

out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but

when I wind up this essay, I end it.

Several scientists were all posed the following question: "What is 2 * 2 ?"

The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces "3.99".

The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces "it lies between 3.98 and 4.02".

The mathematician cogitates for a while, then announces: "I don't know what the answer is, but I can tell you, an answer exists!".

Philosopher smiles: "But what do you mean by 2 * 2 ?"

Logician replies: "Please define 2 * 2 more precisely."

The sociologist: "I don't know, but is was nice talking about it".

Behavioral Ecologist: "A polygamous mating system".

Medical Student : "4" All others looking astonished : "How did you know ??" Medical Student : :I memorized it."

 

:rolleyes: :D

 

This had me laughing! lmfao! :laugh4::laugh4:

Where are the jokes...why do I always have to post them :P ?

Did you hear that all the toilets at the police station were stolen?

 

Yeah...the cops got nothing to go on.

A little old lady gets onto a crowded bus and stands in front of a seated young girl. Holding her hand to her chest, she says to the girl, "If you knew what I have, you would give me your seat."

The girl gets up and gives up her the seat to the old lady. It is hot. The girl then takes out a fan and starts fanning herself.

 

The woman looks up and says, "If you knew what I have, you would give me that fan." The girl gives her the fan, too.

 

Fifteen minutes later the woman gets up and says to the bus driver, "Stop, I want to get off here." The bus driver tells her he has to drop her at the next corner, not in the middle of the block. With her hand across her chest, she tells the driver, "If you knew what I have, you would let me off the bus right here."

 

The bus driver pulls over and opens the door to let her out. As she's walking out of the bus, he asks, "Madam, what is it you have?"

 

The old woman looks at him and nonchalantly replies, "Chutzpah."

In The Hospital

 

 

A man is lying in a hospital bed with an oxygen mask over his face. A young nurse's aide appears to sponge his face and hands.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

 

Embarrassed, the young aide replies, "I don't know. I'm only here to wash your hands and face."

 

Again, he struggles to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

 

Once more, the aide replies, "I don't know. I'm only here to wash your hands and face."

 

The Head Nurse was passing and noticed the man was becoming a little distraught, so she approached his bed to find out what was wrong.

 

Seeing her, the man mumbled again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

 

Being a nurse of longstanding, she was undaunted. She quickly pulled back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama bottom, moved his penis out of the way, had a good look, pulled up his pajamas, pulled the bedclothes back up and announced, "There's nothing wrong with them!"

 

At this, the man pulled of his oxygen mask and again asked, "Are my test results back??"

I know this is bad....but I had to do it....

 

What do you call a person with no arms and no legs…

 

between two buildings?

ALI

who loosens hex screws?

ALLEN

on a tennis court?

ANNETTE

on your living room wall? ART

-- what if he also doesn't have a tongue?

TASTELESS ART

on two wheels?

AXEL

stuck in a fence?

BARB

in your fireplace?

BERNIE

in your mailbox?

BILL

in the ocean?

BOB

in a bank?

BUCK

who is foaming at the mouth?

BUD

in a sugar vat?

CANDY

in a bag?

CARRIE

who is a prostitute?

CASH & CARRIE

who has no head?

CHESTER

who is on the edge of the green?

CHIP

put through a meat grinder?

CHUCK

two men with no arms and no legs in a window?

CURT N' ROD

in a tiger cage?

CLAUDE

hanging from a chandelier?

CRYSTAL or TIFFANY

in your kitchen sink?

DAWN

who is covered with oil?

DEREK

a man with no arms, legs, head or torso?

DICK

when you push his head under water?

DUNCAN

under a bed?

DUSTY

in a bathtub?

DWAYNE

on hot asphalt?

FLIP

in a sewer?

FLO

on your barbecue?

FRANK

under a microscope?

GENE

in your spice rack?

HERB or BASIL

flying over a fence?

HOMER

under a car?

JACK

in the men's room?

JOHN

who pretends to have arms and legs?

JOSH

under a steamroller?

LANE

floating on a pond?

LILY

on a piece of paper?

MARK

on your front door step?

MATT

on a stage?

MIKE

a woman with no arms, legs, head or torso?

MUFFY

who is shaving?

NICK

in a motorized wheelchair?

OTTO

in a frying pan?

PAM

between two slices of bread?

PATTY

holding a coat?

PEG

in a flowerbed?

PETE

in a hole?

PHIL

lying beside a carnival ride?

RALPH

who is covered with sauerkraut?

REUBEN

with a history of wheelchair collisions?

REX

in a bank vault?

RICH

covered with cement?

ROCK

being stoned to death?

ROCKY

who has been struck by lightning?

ROD

on a hill?

ROLAND

in a vase?

ROSE

in a pile of leaves?

RUSSELL

on a beach ?

SANDY

who is water skiing?

SKIP

in the end zone?

SPIKE

being cooked by cannibals?

STU

in a lingerie drawer?

TEDDY

who gets left behind in a restaurant?

TIP

on the President's desk?

VITO

given to you by a deceased uncle?

WILL

in an arid desert?

WILT

 

:disguise:

^ I luv it (lol)

A tough case was being argued in court. The defense attorney,feeling that he was in trouble, sent the judge a bottle ofhundred-year old brandy. The defendant was fit to be tied."The judge'll kill me. Trying to bribe him! We're dead!""I don't think so," his attorney told him. "I sent it in the other lawyer's name!"

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said "That's no problem. How many do you want?"

 

The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."

 

The pharmacist said, "That won't do you any good."

 

The elderly gentleman said, "That's alright. I don't need them for sex anymore as I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."

 

(I know, discusting=)

:laugh3:

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.

 

The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.

 

The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.

 

Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.

 

The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.

 

To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"

 

(^insert rimshot here)

An anagram is a type of word play, the result of rearranging the letters of a word or phrase to produce other words, using all the original letters exactly once.

 

--------------------------------

Amazing Anagrams

--------------------------------

Dormitory == Dirty Room

 

Desperation == A Rope Ends It

 

The Morse Code == Here Come Dots

 

Slot Machines == Cash Lost in 'em

 

Animosity == Is No Amity

 

Snooze Alarms == Alas! No More Z's

 

Alec Guinness == Genuine Class

 

Semolina == Is No Meal

 

The Public Art Galleries == Large Picture Halls, I Bet

 

A Decimal Point == I'm a Dot in Place

 

The Earthquakes == That Queer Shake

 

Eleven plus two == Twelve plus one

 

Contradiction == Accord not in it

 

This one's amazing: [From Hamlet by Shakespeare]

 

To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.

 

Becomes:

 

In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.

 

And the grand finale:

 

"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." -- Neil A. Armstrong

 

becomes:

 

A thin man ran; makes a large stride; left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!

^the last two are awesome!