I'm glad to see there are still funny ppl around :P

Anyways...here's a classic one.

:lol:

 

 

How can you tell when a drummer's at the door?

 

He doesn't know when to come in

Two tigers are walking along a jungle trail in single file.

 

The rearmost tiger wanders off the trail for a few minutes, then

reappears shortly thereafter. A few moments later, the front tiger

feels what seems to be the other tiger's tongue, applied just below

his tail. The tiger disapproves of this action, but doesn't want to

start anything by bringing it up. Then, the tiger again feels the

tongue, again in the same place.

 

He decides to confront the after tiger, and asks him, "Did you just

lick me twice in the butt?"

 

The other tiger replied, "Yeah, sorry about that. I just ate a lawyer

and I was trying to get the taste out of my mouth."

 

(SIck! :freak: :lol: )

awwwhhh DISGUSTING!!!!:P

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.

 

The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.

 

The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.

 

Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.

 

The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.

 

To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"

^ :laugh3:

 

I know the Hitler version, but it's too cruel.

:evil:

^ :laugh3:

 

I know the Hitler version, but it's too cruel.

:evil:

 

GO ON!! tell me!

Well...

One day Hitler decide to throw a contest for the imprisoned Jews.

He filled a pool with acid and told them

"Let's see who can swim from this end to the other..the one who wins will be released."

 

So, of course, desperate Jews started swimming...one by one.

The 1st one didn't manage even to cross third of the pool. He dissolved, of course.

The 2nd one somehow managed to get to the half of the pool but soon died.

The 3rd one succeded in passing the three fourths but...dead.

The 4th one...he succeded to swim entire pool. Tired and bloody, out he came in front of Hitler.

"Okay, congratulations...you've got it to the semifinals."

 

:freak:

HA HA HA HA!!!

oh thats horrible!

Told you :P

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was

always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened

to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to

his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he

went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat, the alarm in the

morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to

work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"

 

"That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you

yesterday?"

What's the difference between "ooh" and "aah?"

-About three inches.

 

:laugh3:

A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released.

 

The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first.

 

"Tell me," said he, "if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?'

 

The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful."

 

"Marvelous," said the head of the institution.

 

"Or else," ruminated the inmate. "I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of scientists."

 

"Absolutely," said the head.

 

"Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution."

 

"An interesting possibility," said the head.

 

"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle."

:laugh3::rolleyes:

:lol:

*grrrrreat jokes ;)

George Carlin's New Rules for the New Year

_____________________________________________

 

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes, graduations, and releases from jail. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

 

 

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

 

 

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: LUCKY BASTARDS.

 

 

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

 

 

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

 

 

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket - water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

 

 

New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

 

 

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a**hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge a**hole.

 

 

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

 

 

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

 

 

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

 

 

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

 

 

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. Don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

 

 

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket - water' date=' but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.[/quote']

 

:rolleyes: :laugh3:

A man was driving up a steep and narrow mountain road.

A woman was driving down the same road.

As they passed each other, the woman leaned out the

window and yelled, "Pig!"

The man immediately leaned out his window and replied,

"Bitch!"

They continue on their way and as the man rounded the

next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the

road.

A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running

along side his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with

him because he was doing 50 MPH.

He accelerated to 60 and the chicken stayed right next to him. He

speeded up to 75 MPH and the chicken passed him up. The man noticed

the

chicken had three legs.

So, he followed to chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got

out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs. He asked

the farmer "What's up with these chickens?"

The farmer said "Well, everybody likes chicken legs. I bred a three

legged bird. I'm going to be a millionaire." The man asked him how

they tasted.

The farmer said "Don't know, haven't caught one yet."

 

:rolleyes:

^nice!

 

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

 

"Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."

 

"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up to dry."

Well...

One day Hitler decide to throw a contest for the imprisoned Jews.

He filled a pool with acid and told them

"Let's see who can swim from this end to the other..the one who wins will be released."

 

So, of course, desperate Jews started swimming...one by one.

The 1st one didn't manage even to cross third of the pool. He dissolved, of course.

The 2nd one somehow managed to get to the half of the pool but soon died.

The 3rd one succeded in passing the three fourths but...dead.

The 4th one...he succeded to swim entire pool. Tired and bloody, out he came in front of Hitler.

"Okay, congratulations...you've got it to the semifinals."

 

:freak:

 

that's :sick:!!

 

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

 

"Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."

 

"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up to dry."

 

 

:laugh3:

that's :sick:!!

but funny(in d rite country!):P

A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse.

Suddenly she spotted the most beautiful car that she had ever seen, and walked over to inspect it.

 

As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an

unexpected little fart escaped her.

 

Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped a salesperson didn't pop up right now.

 

But, as she turned back, there, standing next to her, is a

salesman.

With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

 

Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as

though nothing had happened, she smiles back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle? "

 

Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very sorry

to say that if you farted just by touching it, you'll shit when you hear the price."

Laws of Life

________________

 

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease,

your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

 

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least

accessible corner, even if it is square.

 

Law of Visual Probability: The probability of being watched is directly

proportional to the stupidity of your act.

 

Law of the Telephone: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy

signal.

 

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you

had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

 

Variation Law: If you change traffic lanes, the one you were in will start to

move faster than the one you are in now .

 

Law of the Bath: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone

rings.

 

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know

increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

 

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine

won't work, it will.

 

Law of Bio-mechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to

the reach.

 

Law of the Theatre: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest

from the aisle arrive last.

 

Law of Coffee Temperature: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot

coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the

coffee is cold.

 

Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room,

they will have adjacent lockers.

 

Law of Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich

landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the cost of

the carpet.

 

Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

 

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what

you are talking about.

 

Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

 

Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

 

Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will

stop making it.

love em:D :laugh3: specially the shoe one!!:lol:

:lol: :lol: :laugh3: :lol: