that always gets me...

 

always

A very ugly woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids. The Wal-Mart greeter asks, "Are they twins?"

 

The ugly woman says, "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they really look alike?"

 

"No," replies the greeter. "I just can’t believe you got laid twice."

 

 

Not bad..:wink2:

1st scene:

Daddy and Mommy are fighting in the living room,right in front of their little son. Daddy : Oh!!! You Bitch!

Mommy : What?? You Bastard!

Son : Daddy, Mommy, what's Bitch and Bastard??

At this moment, Daddy blushes. He quickly thinks up of something.

Daddy : It means Ladies and Gentlemen son.

Son: Oh I see!

 

2nd Scene...

Little Son was watching a TV show about premarital sex and there they mentioned the words 'breasts' and 'penises'.

Mommy was reading the papers.

Son : Mommy, what's breasts and penises?

At this moment, mommy turned blue, and quickly thought of something to say.

Mom: It means coats and hats, son.

Son : Oh I see!

 

3rd Scene...

Daddy was shaving his beard and son passed by the toilet. Suddenly daddy cut himself and scream...

Daddy : Oh SHIT!!

Son : Daddy, what's shit?

At this moment, Daddy eyes bulged, and quickly thought of something to say..

Daddy : It means shaving cream, son.

Son : Oh I see!!

 

4th Scene..

Christmas is approaching, and mommy was stuffing the turkey into the stove. The turkey just wouldn't fit into the stove, so she said...

Mommy : Oh! Fuck!

Son : Mommy, what's fuck?

At this moment, Mommy froze. She quickly thought of something to say.

Mommy : It means stuffing, son

Son : Oh I see!!

 

5th Scene...

It's Chrismas Eve! Little son exuberantly opened the door to let all that is uncles, aunties, cousins and friends come into the house. Proudly he said... "Welcome in, Bastards and Bitches! Please put all your breasts and penises at that corner of the house ! My parent are busy at the moment. You see Daddy is putting shit on his face upstairs and mummy is fucking the turkey in the kitchen. Don't worry they will come out in a minute!!

An elephant approaches an anthill. All the ants hide in the anthill.

Ant A: hey, why are you sticking your leg out of the hole?

Ant B: i wanna trip up the elephant.

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

 

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

 

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit...

 

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local Realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

 

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back...

 

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth...But only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

 

A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home... including the curtain rods...

 

Splendid :laugh3: :laugh3: :laugh3:

 

I love them all

A young man was staying on a farm with his uncle and aunt for the summer. One morning the aunt and uncle walked in the kitchen and the young man was drinking an extremely large glass of milk. The young man said "I tookthe liberty of milking your cow this morning!" He then continues and says "it took me a while to get her started up. She must be old and stubbly." The uncle says with a confused look " Um son we don't have a cow...We have a bull!"

 

 

:laugh3: :laugh3: :laugh3: :laugh3:

Any more jokes?

Guyness Quiz

 

Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient

 

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you

are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic

friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated

device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite

supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently

eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide

to:

 

a. Present it to the president of the United States.

b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.

c. Take it apart.

 

 

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you

miss the most?

 

a. Innocence.

b. Idealism.

c. Cherry bombs.

 

 

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

 

a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard

for narrow-minded social conventions.

b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)

c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only

really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons,

you have to have him killed.

 

 

4. What about hugging another male?

 

a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.

b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case,

you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this

male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!")

c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home

run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that:

 

 

(1) He is legally within the basepath,

(2) Both of you are wearing protective cups, and

(3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to

cause fractures.

 

 

5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...

 

a. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.

b. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.

c. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and

cancer.

 

 

6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

 

a. A cat.

b. A dog.

c. A dog that eats cats.

 

 

7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive

Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy -- you're watching a

football game; she's reading the papers -- when she suddenly, out of the clear

blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no

longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going.

She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you

believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?

 

a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you

don't want to rush it.

b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot

honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting

commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.

c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and

seventeen.

 

 

8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want

to spend the rest of your life with her -- sharing the joys and the

sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and

opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you

tell her?

 

a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.

b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name,

and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the

stars in her eyes, you tell her.

c. Tell her what?

 

 

9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to

get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her

is:

 

a. "Do they need to eat or anything?"

b. "They're in school already?"

c. "There are three of them?"

 

 

10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

 

a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes

so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for

your legs.

b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and

has to be handled with tweezers.

c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks

the garbage regularly in case somebody -- and we are not naming names,

but this would be his wife -- is quietly trying to discard his

underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to

have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.

 

 

11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the

fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years

before they finally got to the Promised Land?

 

a. He was being tested.

b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they

finally got there.

c. He refused to ask directions.

 

 

12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

 

a. Democracy.

b. Religion.

c. Remote control.

 

 

How to Score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer

"c." A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a real

guy would score at least 15, because he would get the special

five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's

disease and cancer.

 

:laugh3:

An oxymoron is a figure of speech that combines two normally contradictory terms.

 

a fine mess

a little big

a new classic

absolutely unsure

abundant poverty

accidentally on purpose

accurate stereotype

act naturally

adult children

advanced beginner

aging yuppie

alone together

almost always

almost perfect

appear invisible

arid ocean

awfully nice

big baby

bittersweet

blinding light

black light

clearly ambiguous

confirmed rumor

consistently inconsistent

constant change

constant variable

cruel kindness

current history

dangerously safe

deafening silence (& loud silence etc.)

definite maybe

deliberate mistake

deliberately thoughtless

detailed summary

elevated subway

exact estimate

false positive

found missing

forever's end

forward lateral

friendly fire

genuine imitation (& genuine replica, etc.)

guest host (and permanent guest host, a rare "triple" oxymoron)

holy hell

idiot savant

instrumental song

instant classic

jogging stroller

justifiable paranoia

larger half

limited omniscience

linear curve

liquid gas

living dead

local long_distance

mindless thinking

modest magnificence

Noise music

only choice

open secret

original copy

plastic silverware (or golden silverware, wooden silverware)

power nap

random order ****** <My fave*********

rolling stop (driving)

scatter-hoarder

solid gold plated

stopmotion

suicide victim

sweet and sour

sweet sorrow

synthetic natural gas

tight slacks

timeless moment

true lies

unborn baby

virtual reality

^^ I love those! :D

A shapely lady in a bikini walked into the ocean to take a swim. A

large wave came up and washed over her, tearing off her bikini top.

She came out of the surf with her arms folded across her chest.

Little Johnny, playing in the sand looked up at her and said,

"Lady, if you're going to drown those puppies, I'll take the one with

the brown nose."

Way down in the deep south, in an area known as the 'Bible Belt,'

there lived a Baptist minister with a very large congregation. One

morning, after a particularly moving sermon, he announced, "Friends I

have been hearing very nasty rumors!"

 

The crowd fell into an expectant silence. The Minister continued,

"One of you, here among us, has been reporting that I am a member of

the dreaded 'Klu Klux Klan.' This, of course, is not true! I am

asking that the guilty party confess and apologize now - right here

- before my flock of loyal followers."

 

A young woman quickly stood up blushing and trembling and pled,

"Preacher, please, I don't know how this all came to be. I just

mentioned to one of my close friends that you were a wizard under

the sheets."

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie,

each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales

begins.

The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why,

just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men

before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."

The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking

down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a

rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit

its head off, and sucked the venom down in one gulp. And I'm still here

today."

The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his

penis.

 

*discusting :laugh3:

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking

a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is

frowning and looking put out.

 

The egg mutters to no one in particular,

"I guess we answered that question."

What do you call a dog with no legs?

 

Hehe...it doen't matter, it's not going to come anyway!

What do a hurricane, a tornado, a fire and a divorce have in common?

 

They are four ways you can lose your house!

A teacher was having trouble teaching arithmetic to Little Johnny . So she

said , "If you reached in your right pocket and found a nickel, and you

reached in your left pocket and found another one, what would you have?"

"Somebody else's pants." said the Little Johnny.

^a good one!!:laugh3: :laugh3: :laugh3: :laugh3:

^Aww... poor Jonny!

100 ways to order a pizza the fun way...

 

1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask person taking the order to stop doing that.

 

2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.

 

3. Use CB lingo where applicable.

 

4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

 

5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

 

6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.

 

7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.

 

8. Answer their questions with questions.

 

9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition, ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.

 

10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT SYSTEM.

 

11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

 

12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.

 

13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

 

14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."

 

15. Stutter on the letter "p."

 

16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)

 

17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.

 

18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.

 

19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.

 

20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If asked "Would you like drinks with that?", panic and become disoriented.

 

21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

 

22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.

 

23. Change your accent every three seconds.

 

24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.

 

25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"

 

26. Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."

 

27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."

 

28. Rent a pizza.

 

29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.

 

30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

 

31. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.

 

32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."

 

33. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"

 

34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.

 

35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

 

36. Imitate the order taker's voice.

 

37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.

 

38. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."

 

39. Play a sitar in the background.

 

40. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.

 

41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.

 

42. Ask to see a menu.

 

43. Quote Carl Sandberg.

 

44. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.

 

45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.

 

46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.

 

47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.

 

48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.

 

49. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"

 

50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"

 

51. Psychoanalyze the order taker.

 

52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.

 

53. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."

 

54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.

 

55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.

 

56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.

 

57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.

 

58. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."

 

59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.

 

60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."

 

61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.

 

62. Try to talk while drinking something.

 

63. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!"

 

64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.

 

65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.

 

66. Be vague in your order.

 

67. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."

 

68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.

 

69. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.

 

70. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."

 

71. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.

 

72. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.

 

73. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.

 

74. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.

 

75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.

 

76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.

 

77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.

 

78. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.

 

79. Put them on hold.

 

80. Teach the order taker a scret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.

 

81. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."

 

82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.

 

83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"

 

84. When you'ge given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."

 

85. Haggle.

 

86. Order a one-inch pizza.

 

87. Order term life insurance.

 

88. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"

 

89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.

 

90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.

 

91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.

 

92. Engage in some serious swapping.

 

93. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."

 

94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.

 

95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.

 

96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.

 

97. Order a steamed pizza.

 

98. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.

 

99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.

 

If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, 100. Say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."

 

(a bit long...but funny =)

:lol: I did number thirty once - i've read this somewhere before.

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking

a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is

frowning and looking put out.

 

The egg mutters to no one in particular,

"I guess we answered that question."

 

 

I loved this one! :laugh3: :laugh3: :laugh3:

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking

a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is

frowning and looking put out.

 

The egg mutters to no one in particular,

"I guess we answered that question."

One of my personal faves

Who do females like mobile phones??

:lol: I did number thirty once - i've read this somewhere before.

 

Really? :laugh3:

 

Well, I ain't writing such long jokes!

You've probably seen it already, it's highly possible ;)