Christmas Story

 

'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.

 

He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.

 

Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks. I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

 

I've busted my ass for damn near a year,

 

Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?

 

The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.

 

The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.

 

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.

 

Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.

 

And just when I thought that things would get better

 

Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,

 

They say I owe taxes--if that ain't funny

 

Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

 

And the kids these days--they all are the pits

 

They want the impossible--Those mean little shits

 

I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds

 

Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads

 

I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,

 

They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!

 

Flying through the air...dodging the trees

 

Fa lling down chimneys and skinning my knees

 

I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment

 

I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

 

There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,

 

I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season

^ :laugh3:

I bet that really is what santa thinks:lol:

This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School(California) staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine. This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough schoolwork to pass their classes.

 

The outgoing message:

_____________________________________________________________

 

"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

 

* To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1

 

* To make excuses for why your child did not do his work- Press 2

 

 

 

* To complain about what we do - Press 3

 

* To swear at staff members - Press 4

 

* To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5

 

* If you want us to raise your child - Press 6

 

* If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone -Press 7

 

* To request another teacher, for the third time this year -Press 8

 

* To complain about bus transportation - Press 9

 

* To complain about school lunches - Press 0

 

* If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort:

 

 

 

Hang up and have a nice day!

Wow, I love that one! ^

 

hehehehe

 

Ok, there's this "knock knock" joke going around at school. It's kind of funny:

 

Person A: Knock! Knock!

Person B: Who's there?

A: Nobody...

B: "Nobody" who?

A: ...

 

*giggles*

The outgoing message:

_____________________________________________________________

 

"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

 

* To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1

 

* To make excuses for why your child did not do his work- Press 2

 

 

 

* To complain about what we do - Press 3

 

* To swear at staff members - Press 4

 

* To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5

 

* If you want us to raise your child - Press 6

 

* If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone -Press 7

 

* To request another teacher, for the third time this year -Press 8

 

* To complain about bus transportation - Press 9

 

* To complain about school lunches - Press 0

 

* If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort:

 

 

 

Hang up and have a nice day!

 

I love it :laugh3: :laugh3:

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard at low pay for long hours. The blacksmith immediately began his instructions to the lad, "When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer." The apprentice did just as he told. Now he's the village blacksmith.

The Hat

 

An elderly man was quite unhappy because he had lost his favorite hat.

Instead of buying a

new one, he decided he would go to church and swipe one out of the

vestibule. When he

got there, an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew

where he had to sit

and listen to the entiresermon on "The Ten Commandments." After

church, the man met

the preacher in the vestibule doorway, shook his had vigorously, and

told him "I want to

thank you preacher for saving my soul today. I came to church to steal

a hat and after

hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided against it."

Preacher: "You mean the commandment 'I shall not steal' changed your

mind?"

Old Man: "No, the one about adultery did.

As soon as you said that I remember where I left my old hat!"

:laugh3: I LOVED THAT! :laugh3:

The Yuppie showered a Yuppette with gifts for over a month. He

took her to fancy restaurants and expensive resorts. Finally, he

proposed, "Bernie, if you will marry me, I have enough money

to provide you with anything your little heart desires."

 

"Sorry John." she replied. "I'm not ready to settle down yet.

And besides, you can't buy my love, but if the price is right, I

might see my way clear to rent you some."

What's the difference between hard and light?

- You can sleep with a light on.

 

:laugh3:

:laugh3: ^

 

Dunno of you will think it's funny but my sis told me this joke awhile ago, I laughed. :uhoh:

 

Two men are sitting in a car.

An officer is ticking on their window so the boy opens the window of the car.

'Yes?' The boy asked.

The officer ; 'We're searching for 2 serial rapers..'

The officer was rather suprised when the boy suddenly closed the window while the officer wasn't finished with what he was saying.

The two men were talking. After 10 minutes they opened the window saying;

'We'll do it!'

 

:laugh4:

:lol:

/It's funny, Elsje

OK, so sometime in the future George Bush dies.

He goes straight to hell and Satan is there waiting for him. Satan says, "Since you were the president you get to pick your punishment!" and leads him down this hallway with three doors. Satan opens the first door and there's Dick Cheney!- he's being raped by demons. "I'll pass." says Bush. Satan goes down the hall and opens the next door and there is Richard Nixon!- he's being whipped. "Eh, no thanks!" says Bush. So Satan leads him to the last door and inside is Bill Clinton. He's sitting on a bed and is being blown by Monica Lewinsky. Bush likes what he sees and says, "Now, this I can handle for all eternity! I'll do this."

 

Satan smiles, turns to Monica and says, "You're free to go."

 

 

 

 

A man just bought this car radio that plays any genre he says. He's driving down this road and goes, "I'll listen to some soft rock." and Coldplay comes on! After he gets tired of that he goes, "How about some country." and country starts playing. "How about some rap?" and rap automatically starts playing. He's driving through this neighborhood and these kids come from nowhere and run in front of his car. He slams on the brake! He screams, "FUCKING KIDS!"---and Micheal Jackson starts playing.

Hahahaha...NOT!! Those were rather lame!! :P:P

:P Shut up. My friend told me those. I thought the Bush one was HILARIOUS, hehehe

^^I actually thought it was rather sick and disturbing...:o

:P Shut up. My friend told me those. I thought the Bush one was HILARIOUS' date=' hehehe[/quote']

 

I agree..but I think I've posted them here before :wacko:

 

Nonetheless :laugh3:

This guy is brilliant, honestly!

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F_DLm3m2IdY

Two blondes were recently observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. Here is their dialogue:

 

Blonde One: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!

 

Blonde Two: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder! it's starting to rain, and the top is down!

^Hahaha niice! :D

2 men and a woman had a job interview with the FBI. They were each given a gun and told they had to shoot the person in the next room. The 1st man went in and saw his wife sitting, tied to the chair.He came out of the room and said "sorry i can't kill my wife", and left.

The 2nd man went into the room but came out and said" im sorry i can't kill my wife".

The woman entered the room and saw her husband tied to a chair. Then came a load of banging from the room. The women came out minutes later and said

"THE BLOODY GUN WASN'T LOADED, I HAD TO BEAT HIM TO DEATH!!"

double post

OK, so sometime in the future George Bush dies.

He goes straight to hell and Satan is there waiting for him. Satan says, "Since you were the president you get to pick your punishment!" and leads him down this hallway with three doors. Satan opens the first door and there's Dick Cheney!- he's being raped by demons. "I'll pass." says Bush. Satan goes down the hall and opens the next door and there is Richard Nixon!- he's being whipped. "Eh, no thanks!" says Bush. So Satan leads him to the last door and inside is Bill Clinton. He's sitting on a bed and is being blown by Monica Lewinsky. Bush likes what he sees and says, "Now, this I can handle for all eternity! I'll do this."

 

Satan smiles, turns to Monica and says, "You're free to go."

 

 

 

 

A man just bought this car radio that plays any genre he says. He's driving down this road and goes, "I'll listen to some soft rock." and Coldplay comes on! After he gets tired of that he goes, "How about some country." and country starts playing. "How about some rap?" and rap automatically starts playing. He's driving through this neighborhood and these kids come from nowhere and run in front of his car. He slams on the brake! He screams, "FUCKING KIDS!"---and Micheal Jackson starts playing.

 

Amazing!!!!!!!

 

I'll tell my friends those 2 also tonight!!!

 

I'm loving this thread!!!!!!!!

 

How can I use the emoticons?

 

IloveCp,

You are so full of jokes!!!!

All theones I've read so far are yours!!!!!

You must be a fun person to hang out with!!!!

Are you in Rio de Janeiro by any chance?

:)

Amazing!!!!!!!

 

I'll tell my friends those 2 also tonight!!!

 

I'm loving this thread!!!!!!!!

 

How can I use the emoticons?

 

IloveCp,

You are so full of jokes!!!!

All theones I've read so far are yours!!!!!

You must be a fun person to hang out with!!!!

Are you in Rio de Janeiro by any chance?

:)

 

HAHA! cute! you're nicer than my friends! nope IRELAND nad enjoyin the sunshine heh heh.